Weeds

Grateful that I'm strong and healthy enough to bend over and weed.....spent a good amount of time on the patio, where many greens sprouted between the bricks....Figgy helped a little and her friend Charlotte helped a lot...

Doing yard work makes me think of Dad. When I came in to get a tall glass of ice water, I remembered him taking a break when doing the lawn chores up on the Cape. He was a good man and a hard worker. I miss him. But gardening connects us.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Support group.
2. Walk with Elly @ Brookdale Park.
3. Walked Sug around block.
4. Nap.
5. Anne and Nikki invited me to go to mall with them this evening. Nice.

Mother of Teen Angel/Devil/Regular Girl

I love the name. 

Getting tired of these late nights...I know I'm not alone. Other moms have told me that by the time their daughters left for college, they were ready to say goodbye to staying up nights worrying till they got home.

This post title reminds me of one of Figgy's teen birthday parties, when I made a lofty angel food cake and a rich devil's food cake, so the girls had a choice. I loved the contrast of the snowy and light against the dark and decadent.

Front door just opened. Figgy is home.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Caught up on my sleep.
2. Drove in downpour to Neiman Marcus to get Aerin Beach Cream. Plan to use tomorrow morning. It gives a little glow to the skin. Also got Beach Beige lipstick* and gloss to go over it. I can really fail at taking care of my appearance. Have meeting @ 9:30 but setting alarm to build in time for beauty. I hope I carry through on this.
3. Again had my rice and beans that I made, with lots of sauteed yellow peppers.

*Postscript on Saturday at 2:05 P.M.: I got up early, took a bubble bath, then put on moisturizer, beach cream on arms, face, chest. On lips, Vaseline, then new Beach Beige lipstick and the Aerin lip gloss. Liked it. But when I came back about 12:15, I had reapplied the lipstick alone to my lips, while driving. "What's that on your mouth?" H. asked. "Omigod, that doesn't work on you!" Figgy said. It's true. You see, I love the mod 1960s nudes and frosty whites/tans but the truth is they look so much better on someone with dark cocoa skin. On me, the lipstick alone makes me look like a lifeguard with white sunblock on my lips. If I do the Vaseline step first, it should be fine....but that will be three steps....I just want to be that woman using Aerin Beach Beige. Sigh. You can't win em all.

Good Night to You

Figgy's sweet friend Elizabeth, heading to Smith College next year, and Figgy.

It's 3:37 A.M. and I just finished revising a Good Housekeeping article. I worked hard all day but the senior ceremony at MHS tonight took 3 hours. Hence, I would have been finished by 12:37 A.M. were I not a dedicated mother, which I am.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Short nap.
2. Lots of ice water.
3. Made beans with peppers and rice.
4. When I went to the A&P tonight near 10 P.M., because I hadn't eaten dinner yet, I was able to walk right by the Hostess cupcakes, no problem! That is progress.

Shaking the Blue Devil

Today my friend Eric, who keeps us all laughing so much at boot camp [in between the hellish steps and planks], taught me a new phrase. I was telling him how I was in a bad mood and he said his college friend refers to "shaking the blue devil"--coming out of a dark mood. I just looked up blue devil in the online dictionary and it says a feeling of depression; despondency. I like it.

Truman Capote's Holly Golightly referred to a case of the mean reds; I will now add blue devil to the bad mood/sad mood repertoire.

Good night, and thank you, Eric.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park.
2. Salon pedi, $20 and well worth it. Working much more productively for having taken the time for it.
3. Ate cherries, ate vegs.
4. Read a New Yorker piece and took a nap.
5. Good tooth care and am about to wash face with Noxzema.

Fear & Loathing in Montclair

That's all I can muster up. Fear and loathing in Montclair. I'm seeing red. Can't even bring myself to type my customary good night, b/c that would involve using the word "good," and I just don't feel it in my heart. On top of all the grief in town, I have piled on shame, anger, aggression and guilt.

TCOY

1. Important reading.
2. Iced coffee @ Java Love. You can really taste the coffee bean quality.
3. Private Benjamin.
4. Walked Sug.
5. Weeded garden to try and weed out some of the heavy sadness I'm feeling this week, between the funeral for MHS Senior Eamonn Wholley today with Figgy and her friends to the loss of Maggie's dad/Carol's husband in the plane crash the day after Eamonn took his own life after long battling with depression. There is something extra sad about seeing high school kids in long black dresses and dark suits on a sunny June morning. To see Eamonn's parents was saddest of all. May they and his brothers somehow find their way from day to day.
6. Ate a white nectarine and fresh cherries.

Nourished

Drove about 200 miles round trip to have lunch and laughter with my family down in South Jersey. My Aunt Edith, her daughters Lin and Judi, Aunt Edith's brother, Harry, and his wife, Ann, Mike, Joey, Veronica, Joe--and Sis and Don, who were driving back from Maryland to Connecticut.

It wasn't just the delicious orzo with shrimp or the slender haricots verts....it was the connection, the history, the bursts of laughter and the memories. The warmth, like a hand-knit shawl. The lingering around the table, reluctant to leave. The looking into my cousins' and my aunt's and my sister's eyes to seek and to remember.

Rosie*, our grandmother--Sis's, mine, Lin's and Judi's--arrived from Italy as a teenager at Ellis Island, having lost some siblings on the way to illness on board. [Typhoid? Influenza? I must ask Sis. I think I remember Uncle Anthony or Dad saying they got sick on the trip. Were they traveling in steerage?] How painful that must have been, to reach a place of hope knowing people you love paid with their lives to get there and didn't make it. Did Rosie kiss their bodies goodbye? Take a last peek? Or were they quarantined? Was Rosie healthier or older, which helped her not succumb? Did she look back as she left the boat?

I treasure the strong, silky thread that connects the four of us to Rosie. We all carry her smarts, her spunk and her bravery, her can-do spirit. I wish she could have been there today, that we could have talked to her. About her life, how she managed, what made her happiest, how she felt about her faith, what it was like to grow up poor on a farm in a small village near Genoa. How she learned to cook. What it was like to speak only Italian in New York. How she coped with losing her baby boy. [Dad always remembered his little brother's death, recalled being placed in a crib with a roasting pan, a spoon and a deck of cards to keep himself busy while everyone came over to express their sympathies.]

Meanwhile, life goes on. I have been praying for peace and trust and grace. Good night.

*née Cella, before she married Charles Garbarini

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the dome.
2. Cool bath with lavender bath salts.
3. Ice water on the road trip.
4. Lunch and laughter with my family.

Too Tired to Write

Must sleep. Anxiety has been my constant companion for a lot of the day but it lifted by dinnertime. Good night.

TCOY

1. Went to 10:30 Mass.
2. Talked to supportive friend.
3. Went to Montclair Food and Wine Festival with H. tonight. My generous friend Helen gave me the two $165 tickets for the fundraiser because she couldn't use them. We had delicious food and wine pairings...courses included halibut, beef, caramel panna cotta....and to top it all off, dark chocolate and coffee pairings. Very nice.
4. Got out pretty Martha Stewart paper and am going to set alarm and get up and make master list of all my work and life chores this week. That should be grounding and helpful.
5. Lit a candle in the garden tonight.

Up & Down, In & Out

Good parts, bad parts, sad parts, hopeful ones and happy ones--swinging on the swings with Punch and having tea with her. The little one is sleeping over, H. is out working at a party in Park Slope, Figgy is socializing as always. At midnight. About to wash my face, brush my teeth and go to bed. I wish to remember that I can only run my personal life, not my daughter's. And let's face it, there's lots of room for improvement on how I run my own. So that should keep me busy for a while. Good night.

TCOY

1. Support group. Nourishing, and very special connection.
2. Salon blowout.
3. Did memoir class @ Toni's Kitchen--we dug into some tough stuff--and then grabbed an iced coffee @ Terra Cafe [a fair trade tearoom, cafe and market] at the Montclair Public Library with my friend Anne. Met the owner, Grace, who sells lots of cool fair trade stuff, including the silver earrings I got from Kenya today.