Search This Blog

Monday, February 19, 2018

Close to Home

Dusted and dug through my dresser top and unearthed great treasures, from gold Crucifix my grandma gave me to pretty lipsticks in mauves and pinks. Good night.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Small Solace at Mass 

I liked:

  • That Figgy’s friend Zoey kindly drove Punch and me to church.
  • Seeing the cute babies and their parents.
  • Hearing the Communion hymn.
  • Watching a little girl with brown curls—she was 3–cling to Punchy’s hand on walk to Communion. We just met her today, through our friends at Mass.
  • Sinking into prayer, ever so briefly.
  • Noticing everyone’s snow boots, from little pink and white ones to mom-size fur-lined lace-ups.

Good night.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Big Screen: Phantom Thread

Go see! Hope to review tomorrow. Punch has been having a hard time falling asleep and we were all up to near 2 a.m. this morning, so must bank some rest.


Thursday, February 15, 2018

Dishpan Hands

My home office is brimming with pots and pans that I am being paid to write about—and cleverly. With words that will entice you to buy these sleek & sturdy stainless-steel workhorses even in a marketplace that is inundated with pots and pans of every kind. I am nearly ready to flip my lid. And sometimes it is very hard to do this kind of marketing copy when it’s stacked up against my other colorful writing assignments. Good night.

  1. Ate lots of vegs today.
  2. Made roasted butternut squash soup for tomorrow.
  3. Toasted a pan of nice muesli in the oven.
  4. Walked Sug around the block.
  5. Ice water.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Be My Valentines

A list to look back on in the future, when we have all grown older:
  1. For Figgy, a Starbucks card and two chubby vegan brownies from the baker at RedEye Cafe on Walnut Street. Fig said they were really good. I avoided baking and that was hard, so I bought my way to her heart. I can make some raise-the-bar brownies with fine chocolate, Valrhona cocoa and egg replacer [or applesauce]. Had to fight the urge to bake rich trigger foods.
  2. For Danny, sage soap on a rope from Chelsea Square in Montclair, plus a cute red felt Hallmark card and a $25 gift card to Shinola. He wants to save up for a watch. I got him a bigger Shinola gift card for Christmas.
  3. For Punchy, a beautiful big coloring book from Learning Express—plus the Little Daisy Bake Shop swag I blogged about on Sunday.
  4. For Sis, a bracelet of pink beads and luminous, moon-glow pink pearls by Mary Marino, shipped to Connecticut to arrive right on time today, two red-foil-wrapped chocolate hearts tucked in the box. Mary’s pink stands for unconditional love and compassion.
  5. For Sugar, nothing but the coos and love that doggy girl gets every day from all four of us. But I could have baked her peanut butter dog bones and wrapped them up with a pink satin bow.
  6. For me from Dan, fancy Dolce Federica chocolates made by a woman in Montclair and sold at Java Love [his second home/work office]. They weren’t dense [actually featherlight], so not too guilt-ridden, and I shared them. Also: Red wine at supper. And from me to me and to my family, heart-healthy foods, including fish, chicken, steamed veggies, baked yams and baby spinach.
I miss my parents today and was remembering a little heart box of chocolates my Dad got me once when I was a girl.
Good night.

Lip Gloss Lies on Valentine's Day

Dear God,

Please forgive me, and help me forgive myself, for shouting so meanly at Punch this morning when she tried to sneak dark pink lip gloss into school in the pocket of her pale pink faux fur vest.

I yelled so loud that even our sweet doggy, Sugar, was scared.

I told her she couldn't when she came down from Figgy's room with it. I told her to take it off, that it was too much like lipstick and she is only in fourth grade. She took it off, and then snuck the tube into her pocket again.

I dug through my tote bag and gave her the little tin of pale pink-tinted Vaseline she had admired.

I don't tolerate liars well, never have. But please help me not extrapolate a single incident into a liar's life sentence. Please help me not to think, I NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE THAT AS A GIRL, LIE TO MY MOTHER LIKE THAT. WHAT A TERRIBLE, HOPELESS PATH PUNCH IS ON. THERE WILL BE NO TURNING BACK. Please help me to remember to look straight into Punchy's good, true heart, the one you gave her.

Punch is in a confusing "mother" situation. Her birth mother has pitted me against her, as though the little girl's safety is not at the heart of the issue. And also, maybe I did do things like that as girl. Just the other day, I remembered that I wrote with lipstick on my bedroom wall once, and on the face of my big stuffed dog. Where did I even get that lipstick?

But why, when I see the tube of pink lip gloss left behind in my care--why don't I feel positive?

Thank you for listening, God. It is getting harder and harder to be vigilant enough to keep this child on path. Please give me grace, give me patience, let me be kind but firm.

Love, your tortured soul,