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Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Good Night, Too Tired to Write Much

I couldn’t fall asleep til after 2 a.m. I blame it on the small amount of coffee granola I ate. So I went downstairs and watched a recap of the Royal Wedding, which I enjoyed. 

Until tomorrow.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Pack Horse 

Again I felt like a burro. Schlepping, toting, driving, unloading the car. The totebag with my computer that I brought to Tumble Techs so I could write while Punch flipped. The chargers, the water bottles [hers and mine]. Sometimes Dan does Monday night gymnastics duty but more often, I do. And now Punch is moving up to a competitive level, with meets, and 6 to 8 p.m. class on both Monday and Wednesday, starting July 1. [We will be away for a fair amount of the summer classes but it’s the school year I’m concerned about, with dinner and homework. Dan and I will have to divide and conquer, with two weeknights.]

I am so glad to be in my nightgown and going to bed.

So thankful for Dan, who was summoned by Punch.

Danay, she called, using her pet nickname for him. Come upstairs while I brush my teeth!

He also just went over and retaught her math homework and is set to do dishes and haul weekly recycling out. Monday nights are hard.

Glad I have a fellow burro.

Good night.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Mommy in My Midst

Today--May 20, 2018–is the 37th anniversary of my mother’s death. I was 20; she was 56. It was 1981. For some reason, it hit me hard today. I felt her presence. And I registered my loss.
Stay in today--not yesterday, not tomorrow.
I attended a morning support group, a "Big Book" meeting for the first time, and needed my reading glasses and a copy of the Big Book. I reached into my blue denim tote bag--and the bigger the bag, the more I tote--and my hand landed right on the good glasses that had been missing since Friday. [I’d been using some blue back-up frames since then, and forgotten those at home.] I had no hope of that but took a chance and reached in, so I could read the text.
And I had purchased a copy of the Big Book just yesterday at the Saturday morning meeting, and had a hot pink Sharpie to mark passages, so I was all set.
It all came together, and I felt my mother was watching out for me.
Afterwards, in the car, I texted w my girlhood/still friends Fritch and Moey. Fritch’s bday is also today. They texted back sweet memories of my Mom.
The Mom whose presence I felt was: Wanting the best for me. Wanting me to have what I needed. Wanting me to be well. Wanting me to know I was not alone. Proud of me. Loving me. Happy for me, Supportive. She channeled clarity, confidence and compassion for me. Those were gifts I had gotten from her gradually--and yet somehow all at once.
I’m not sure I really saw her. But I had a vague, fleeting image of her in her brown winter coat with the double row of buttons in the front. And a glimpse of her brown hair [she did her own Clairol from a bottle] and rosy Irish cheeks.
And a smile. I remember a smile.
Good night.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Punchy at Sleepover, God Bless That Dad

So nice of her friend and friend’s dad to have her over. Good night.


  1. Mocha cashew milk and Dina Bowl from Juice Culture.
  2. Support group, yay.
  3. Grilled eggplant, Montclair Farmers’ Market pickles, local lettuce and radishes, yogurt dressing, berries and cream.
  4. Dan and I went to Moey’s house for her mom’s 80th bday. I was happy to be there. Love.
  5. Talked to my friend Anne.

Friday, May 18, 2018

It Takes Time to Change

Hard work, focus, willingness, time. I’m doing my best. Good night.


  1. Walked around block.
  2. Met w someone wise to do important work.
  3. Bagged some wet leaves.
  4. Had nice big salad made by friend for lunch.
  5. Tea with Rach at her house so our Camp Nyoda-going Punch could meet Rach’’s lovely daughter, Faith, who has been a Nyoda counselor for years and is a great role model. Punchy is going to the 101-year-old all-girls sleepaway camp in NJ for 2 weeks this summer! Faithy will be there.
  6. Made chicken/zucchini kabobs, with Rachael’s recipe.
  7. 5-minute nap that was somehow refreshing.
  8. Wore my new earrings, shown above. I love the color turquoise, alone or with green. [Leaf earrings by Site lists them at $66 but I paid $48 and then 10% off at STITCH for Ladies Night Montclair.]

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Fighting the Urge

Please excuse the weird spacing here. Not sure what happened.

Today is Day 19 since I started with my new OA sponsor, and have been avoiding sugar, flour and wheat at his wise encouragement. Yes, you heard this cake lover right.

In that time, I have baked Peanut Butter Cookies twice, using oats and peanut butter, apple juice and coconut oil [and sea salt and a couple other ingredients]. Dan and Figgy like them--can't fool Punchy.

I have had a few falls--I felt shaky and carbohydrate-craving, and then reached once for a whole-wheat English muffin with blueberry preserves and butter and another time for long pretzel logs. Just today, I felt shaky, having had breakfast at 9:45 and not eating lunch till 2:30. I ate 2 spoonfuls of Punchy's green tea ice cream, one of her favorite treats, and some of the granola I got for Figgy, mixed in with plain Cheerios.

Just saying though, it's hard. Two minutes ago, I followed a Food52 link to the recipe 

for Jacques Torres' Chocolate Chip Cookies. 

[Google if you must. It ran one summer in the NY Times, I still remember, and it is an 

incredible cookie, involving sea salt, chocolate disks and a 24-hour resting period in the 

fridge for the dough.]

Onward I go, onward I walk. I have been turning to delicious non sweets, such as the 

fabulously creamy cashew milk with coffee and cacao from Juice Culture in town; the 

baby eggplants I roasted with fresh lemon juice and torn mint leaves; the smoothie I can 

make with frozen banana and pure unsweetened Valrhona cocoa powder from France.

Benefits [This is for my friend, Nan, who always asks, But how do you feel? She is right to ask.]:
  1. I have not been losing my temper as much. I am on more of an even keel. I am not as likely to turn into a monster who yells. In other words, I am more patient.
  2. No dark depression.
  3. My blood sugar is better.
  4. I am getting along better with my husband. 
  5. I am sleeping better.
  6. I am napping less, and for shorter times when I do.
  7. I have gotten to my 8 a.m. yoga class 3 times in the last 8 days.
  8. I am more present. Stay in today.
  9. I have lost several pounds. I have many more to go.
Hope all is well in your pocket of the world. xo

Wednesday, May 16, 2018


Punch was up til near 4 a.m., though she went to bed by 9:30. Fallout from the weekend, I think? I could be wrong. Good night.