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Thursday, July 19, 2018

Big Screen: Mister Rogers & Triplets 

A taste of freedom...Dan and I went to two documentaries this week--"Won’t You Be My Neighbor" the other night and tonight’s 10:05 p.m. showing of "Three Identical Strangers," about Jewish baby-boy triplets separated at birth. Both films really good and thought-provoking. Both made me think about how we are as parents to Fig and Punch, and the protective role parents have. The triplets one stirred up questions about nature vs. nurture in Punchy’s case. And I left the dark theater with a nagging, sad feeling, a fear that Fig could "inherit" my depression. It kind of runs in the family. Prayers. Hope. Strength. Grace.

Good night.

TCOY

  1. Picked up my mended earrings at STITCH. Also, um, the pink pineapple top reappeared in my size, so...
  2. Sis came to visit and we walked Butter and Sugar on the 2-mile loop around lake near 🐢 Turtle Back Zoo this evening. I missed her and it was good to talk.
  3. Fresh figs with fresh mozzarella, garden basil leaves, olive oil, sea salt, squirt of fresh lemon juice,
  4. Ice water galore.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

The Man in the Blue Shirt

It's a really nice Lands' End long-sleeve blue shirt that Sis got Dan for Christmas or his birthday. He looks handsome in it.

He came home from working in the city yesterday--he had a fruitful meeting for a New York Times Magazine article--and tried to talk me out of my depression with the kind of no-nonsense advice he might give as the yellow-hatted, bow-tied 60-Second Novelist--on the rare occasions that he gives advice, rather than telling each subject's story.

It reminded me of the hard-won wisdom from his Grandma Millie, who had a hardscrabble Hell’s Kitchen childhood and later worked in the Tootsie Roll Factory.

Ya don't work, you can't eat. Ya don't eat, ya can't work, she would say. This from a woman about 4 feet tall.

I heard his footsteps coming up the creaky wood stairs in this old house, calling Ali. With Punch away at Mimi's till Thursday, we had time and space to talk frankly.

I could barely get out of bed yesterday. It was superhot. My heart shrunk 10 sizes. I felt bitter, sad, disappointed, disillusioned. Angry. Powerless, I guess. Confused. Everything seemed broken or dead, from the dishwasher to the garden. Poor Sug, she lay in exhausted position by my side, loyal and true. I had to get up a few times to let her out, to feed her. I couldn't answer texts from my Sis, Moey and Lorraine. Could not make plans. Skipped my appt for annual physical and did not call. Could not confirm I would go to therapy today. But then I texted I will come and now I have to get in the shower and go--out in a crackling thunderstorm. It's probably appropriate, to snap me out of my inertia.

Today, Dan made me a list. I normally do this myself. He brought me coffee. I appreciated his kindness. I felt so lost.

TTYL.


Sunday, July 15, 2018

Sunday Checklist 

  • Wash face w Aerin rose cleanser in tube, from Sis.
  • Apply SPF serum to face.
  • Go to Mass. Light a candle. Kneel and pray before Mary statue and say a quick prayer in front of Mary grotto outside.
  • Muster up a smile for Dan, Figgy and friends at church.
  • Buy lavender plant when stop at Kings for garbage bags.
  • Rake back garden, dig hole, insert lavender plant. Try not to look at rest of backyard, a shambles since big tree branch fell June 26. Garage and fence must be replaced. Branch crashed through both. Yard is absolute mess.
  • Haul weeds and dead brown leaves away.
  • Have company for dinner, our dear friends Celia, Greg and their son, Ben, who all took the bus from NYC. Slice huge, ripe Jersey tomato, smaller heirloom tomato and fresh mozzarella, drizzle w fresh lemon juice and olive oil, sprinkle w sea salt.
  • Do dishes.
  • Dump coffee grounds in garden.
  • Lie on couch in front of fan.
  • Look at long packing list for sleepaway camp, so it won’t all come as a shock. Punch returns from Mimi by Friday and leaves for 2 weeks at camp on Sunday.
  • Scoop up Sug and retreat to bedroom w A.C. to join Dan.

Good night to you.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

In the Weeds, and It Helped

The darkness descended again and thank God, I was able to emerge from it--by pulling weeds in the side garden, along the front pathway, around the tomato and pepper plants.  Picking up the debri from Dan’s clippers, stuffing a tall brown paper lawn & leaf bag with unwanted stragglers and hauling the bag to the curb for pickup.

Dan mowed the lawn, which also lifted my spirits. Flowering plants and shrubs look so much better against freshly cut grass. Like fine diamond earrings worn with a torn, rumpled dress, the beauty and pop of orange nasturtium and scarlet runner beans gets lost against a shaggy, unkempt lawn. The blue hydrangea flowers--we called them snowballs in my childhood home--look messy and spent against neglected grass.

I see the metaphor. I can crowd out darkness from my life by working to let in light and beautiful new growth. It doesn’t happen without effort, but the effort pays off. Those weeds were about to choke the wildflowers and take over the single tiny green bell pepper, hanging valiantly from the plant. [The deer have been eating our sunflowers, which is depressing, because we try nurture those bright blooms. A few resilient ones are hanging on, not open yet.]]

Thank you for caring. I couldn’t bring myself to post last night, as the sadness ran deep.


Thursday, July 12, 2018

Lemon Love 🍋 

Oooh, I’m in love! And I had a 10 percent coupon [received on Girls’ Night Out] that I used at Stitch Boutique! I’m bigger and plumper than this model, but the fabric and pattern are so lovely and delicious, I could not walk away. I’m going to wear a black tank underneath, or my black swimsuit. I love the ruffle trim and feminine wrap tie. 🍋 👗 Good night. Punchy was excited to leave for her Mimi’s for a week.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Angel 😇 in My Midst

I have lots of angels in my midst, and for that, I’m grateful. Today’s was a blonde mom named Bonnie whose nice daughter is on Punchy’s gymnastics team. Bonnie is studying to be a nurse.

Yesterday, my sitter/friend Elaine watched the girls from 1 to 4. But then Bonnie offered to pick Punch 🥊 up today at 12:30, take her to the pool, feed her--and take them both to 6 p.m. gymnastics and return her after it was over at 8.

I was so thankful. I hope to return the favor. But to be honest, as an older mother, I do better with shorter timeframes.

God, let Bonnie right in the gates when that moment comes, a long way off from today.

Good night. Setting alarm for 8 a.m. yoga.


Tuesday, July 10, 2018

The Past is in the Past 

And one day at a time, I will move forward. Good night.

TCOY

  1. Handed in two articles; one to go, waiting on source to get back to me.
  2. Private Benjamin appt.
  3. Lots of ice water in tall glass reusable Starbucks tumbler. Eco-conscious. Until someone in my family accidentally breaks it, and I know they will.
  4. When I took Punch to dr. [family practice], I made my overdue annual physical appt. for Monday.
  5. Arugula salad w red peppers and grilled steak, mozzarella.
  6. Stopped eating crap. Restarted [the Nada Moo vegan ice cream I bought Figgy called to me] and then stopped again.
  7. Smoothie at Juice Culture--The Greg, made with Java Love coffee ☕️, banana, unsweetened pb, dates etc.
  8. I plan to have either bacon and eggs, maybe w whole-wheat English muffin, or original Cheerios w milk for breakfast tomorrow.