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Friday, February 24, 2017

Turning in

Rented "Manchester by the Sea" [OnDemand, $5.99] and like it, but tired after an afternoon of couch duty and fitting work in while Fig snoozed after getting 2 wisdom teeth pulled. I was smoothie maker and soup server, pill giver, gauze lady, while H. took care of Punchy. Will finish movie tomorrow. Gnite.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Still off the Rails

TTY tomorrow.

With love,

  1. Went to Joe's 8 a.m. yoga + restorative class. Yay!
  2. Had a smallish corned beef reuben on rye for early lunch--not Carnegie Deli mile-high, mind you. I once read that sauerkraut curbs cravings when you're hungry, which always makes the humble reuben more attractive. I enjoyed it--toasty, warm and dripping with Russian dressing.
  3. Many tumblers of ice water at my desk.
  4. Just went to Whole Foods and stocked up on filling things I can enjoy: hummus, fish, bananas, peanut butter, grass-fed yogurt and butter, whole-grain bread and for a breakfast treat, some lavender goat cheese to put on the toasted bread.
  5. Got a bag of nice Irving Farm Coffee Roasters blend at LOCAL for us to brew at home. We don't have an espresso machine or, for that matter, a milk frother, and I've been getting into a $4.75 or $5 [plus $1 tip] large, hand-crafted [not Starbucks] latte habit. That's a lotta lettuce, though I don't splurge every day. I can make some nice French-press potfuls at home with the coffee I bought.
  1. That giant, almost pillowy inside Cafe au Lait doughnut from DOUGH in Brooklyn, sold at LOCAL in Montclair. I seemed unable, or unwilling, to resist it. The cafe au lait part is in the icing. And I succumbed after yoga class! What's wrong with this picture? Virtue vs. villain. One trap: I hadn't eaten breakfast, because I can't before yoga--so I was hungry.
  2. The Ritter milk chocolate espresso bar [serves 2], bought at Watchung Deli when I went in for the reuben. I have not succumbed to one of those bars in years! I have to say it was delicious. But it was as though that high and mighty doughnut with its lofty, white angel-food-cake like interior paved the way to hell. I ate almost every sweet that wasn't nailed down after that.
  3. The TWO Think Thin chocolate PB protein bars. One was nice and soft and inviting, so I had two.
  4. The many homemade hazelnut vanilla biscotti I devoured.
  5. I did not get out and exercise.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Owning My Anger

Remember the Joan Crawford character screaming at her daughter about using wire hangers in the
1981 movie, "Mommie Dearest?" Well, I'm not that bad. I might yell sometimes,
but I have true love and a true heart. Link from HERE.
That "Big Miss Cranky Pants" post I wrote last night? Now I feel guilty about it. But I'm not taking it down.

This is all part of the process of owning my anger. Writing helps me confront and work through issues. And while I like journals sometimes, I like blogging better because I'm not writing into a void. I'm being heard. I like crafting sentences, choosing words that I know you will read.

But I feel guilty about calling one person a Sweater Thief, another a Bedtime Snacker Slacker, another Last Minute Man. I feel remorseful, even ashamed, about my snarky tone. I love my family, I do. But getting angry at them doesn't mean I don't love them, does it?

I would like to present as all sunshine and yellow roses, fluffy clouds of whipped cream and pillowy marshmallows, for a soft, padded landing.

But I'm not. I'm human. I get angry. It is ok and natural to get angry sometimes; it is how you deal with the anger that divides the wise from the stupid.

I truly felt hurt, disrespected [the sweater]; taken for granted [the grab and go dinner on short notice]; exhausted and overextended [the Bedtime Snacker Slacker]. I had just practiced some relaxation visualization techniques on the couch, in a workbook, while Punch did her reading, to learn to transport myself to a calm place when I'm getting agitated. I would say I got less angry than I could have last night, but I want to learn to express my unhappiness or frustration in a way that doesn't leave me feeling dark and deflated after.

Can I learn to calmly express it? To sidestep going off the rails and calling names, raising my voice?

Yes, I can.

I still have a lot of growing up to do. But part of that growing up involves accepting all parts of myself and being the best version of me I can be at any given time. BTW, I didn't make up that saying in pink. I stole it and adapted it; it was printed on the back of a light blue T-shirt I bought Punchy at our church carnival in June. The Youth Group kids were selling the shirts.

I have some more wallowing to do in between work and work searches.

Thank you for being there, and, I hope, bearing with my mood last night. See, there I go again, worrying that you won't love me because I was honest about my anger. Thinking that I shouldn't show you my rage, only a pretty sweater or new lipstick.

Thinking that I have to stuff down my imperfections with handfuls of the very ordinary Hershey's Kisses Punchy has.

Long road ahead for my personal growth. As God is--and you are--my witness. Thank you.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Big Miss Cranky Pants

Sending this out to the universe under my roof.
  1. Hey, Athleta top with built-in bra, I'm talking to you. We've been friends for years of boot camp but why is it at yoga that your scoop neck seems so low that I feel indecent doing a down dog--even with a regular bra under the built-in bra? I could always count on you to look good. This morning at 8 a.m. yoga class, I felt embarrassed. 
  2. Dear Last Minute Man, I know we all need dinner and I was planning on making it, but it's stressful to walk in from therapy appt and short latte break to hear that you are leaving for a meeting in 15 minutes and would love some dinner to grab and go. Fortunately, the chopped onions and sliced mushrooms browned quickly in the skillet and I could swiftly fill and fry a whole-grain quesadilla [and tell you how many grams of carbs are in the tortillas]. But if I hadn't planned well, this would have been even more stressful.
  3. Dear Sweater Thief, you mean you borrowed my brand-new orange Tory Burch sweater, the one with long, feminine bell sleeves, without asking? The sweater I recently WON in a fashion contest on, the sweater with the $250 price tag? And you put it haphazardly back on a hanger and there are small black marks that look like ink or paint near the hem? And you're sorry, you didn't mean to, but you don't know what they are? For the near future, hands off all of my clothing and accessories. I guess you can still use my perfume and beauty stuff.
  4. Hey Bath Lover, can't you hear me filling the tub at 10 p.m.? I'm stressed out and need to relax. Don't look dejected because you can't take a bath at the same moment. Our 1920s home was built with only one bathroom.
  5. And while we're on the bath subject, hot water heater, don't run out when it's finally my turn, after running the washing machine and dishwasher and two people showering. Don't leave me in the cold.
  6. And you, Bedtime Snacker Slacker, make up your mind. I don't have all night for someone small to decide between Cheerios with milk and a pudding cup. I'm desperate to take a bath.
  7. Hey Christmas cactus, would you just hurry up and bloom again? I don't feel like keeping you around til next Yuletide for flowers. That's too much dreary for too little pretty payoff.
Miss Sunshine should/could/might be back tomorrow. Will let you know if she resurfaces. Good night.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Sweet Dreams

I'm holding my own. And I like that I can sign in remotely to a big company on the West Coast and write about cooking gadgets from my living room couch, via Creative Workflow. I like that can-do feeling and it's fun to edit in an electronic document.

Good night to you. 

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Sunday Afternoon at Greenwich Point

 Sis's friend Chaiya contemplating.

 Photo by Chaiya Thongpop, also my friend.

 Park bench.

 Sis + me + sweet Buttercup.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Bus & Train & Automobile

Punch has off Monday for Presidents' Day. We hopped a bus into the city and then a train to Stamford from Grand Central. Nice deal on round trip fare with child rate; it was $25 round trip total for the two of us and my adult round trip alone was $23, so Punchy's was just $2! Sis picked us up at the station.

But I have been skittish and eating sugar. Not good. 

Today is over; tomorrow is another day.

Figgy had long workdays today and tomorrow at Petco and she, H. and Sug stayed behind.

Good night.