Mistakes Were Made

Oops, I did it again. I bought a bag of Fritos Scoops.

I don't want to beat myself up about it--that hasn't helped in the past, so I doubt it will help now.

My eating was on the wrong course today ever since I got up at 7 to make Fig's lunch and see her off to school. I was in my short black nightgown until almost 7 P.M., but I was working a lot of the day. I kept meaning to get dressed, but had to shower and wash my hair first, and that didn't happen until 7ish.

"I haven't had lunch yet," I said to H. when I put a slice of turkey on whole wheat.

"Lunch?" he said. "It's a quarter to six."

I'd been emailing a couple of my editors, putting out little fires on articles--details that had to be checked, changes that had to be made.

So when I finally went out to get dinner for the family and Fig's two friends--semolina bread, ham, Jarlsberg Light, a little potato salad, fresh raspberries--I had a Fritos cravings and succumbed.

I would have been the woman you saw sitting in front of Bank of America branch at about 7:45 tonight, eating an entire bag of Fritos in her silver CR-V, with some Marie's Roasted French Onion dip to boot. I am not the least bit proud of this. It troubles me deeply.

I checked the Nutrition Facts. Nine ounces at 160 calories per ounce is 1,440 calories.

Memo to Self
While eating the Fritos, they tasted good. The crunch felt almost powerful, like it accomplished something. I thought nostalgically of the first time I had Fritos Scoops, at a party at my friend Debbie's house in the 1970s. I didn't even know what Fritos Scoops were until then, but thought they were an excellent idea when I found out. Still, they were a rarity; I barely ever had them.

Crunching in my car, I also felt ashamed and embarrassed but very determined. Like no one was going to stop me. I thought about how I should not be eating all that. I thought that I still looked pretty, didn't I, and had nice clothes on, didn't I, even though I was eating all that. I worried about the fasting blood sugar test my doctor wants me to schedule. I wondered who might walk by and see me--my fellow Girl Scout leader from years back, my friends [a married couple] who had gone out for a burger nearby tonight. But no one did. Just the man who parallel-parked in front of me and the man who pulled in behind me.

Driving the short distance home, I felt slightly out of control, almost drunk. I was steering kind of jerkily, and coming up close on the cars in front of me.

My life was spinning out of control. I realized I had eaten 9 ounces of something that could kill me early. All because no one was going to stop me.

So, who really wins in the end? Please let it be me, not the Fritos. Tomorrow is another fresh, clean day. I plan on going to yoga.

But there's an elephant in the room that I'm ignoring. I've also been very worried about a problem someone I love is having. And, is it also possible that I am eating my way into numbness or discomfort or ugliness to avoid intimacy? It's probably easier to focus on feeling bad about Fritos than on not being able to make someone's problem go away, or on not connecting deeply with someone you love. The Fritos give me something to hang my hat on.

That's a big mouthful. I need some time to digest it.