My beloved Dad--Dad to J., Sis and Will also, grandfather to Figgy, the whole world to Sug--died at 5:48 A.M. this morning. He was 87 years old. Just last week, Sis and I were starting to plan a lunch for his birthday. Maybe good deli sandwiches, maybe hot Italian food, definitely cake.
I knew when my cell rang. The nice young doctor called at 5:50 and said he died peacefully and did not suffer.
My life will never be the same again. I now have a hole that will never be filled. I have long dreaded life without Dad, been unable to fathom it.
He was always there for me, always on my side. Somehow I will find a way to move forward. That's because of him.
I find it odd that it happened on Ash Wednesday. As though I would ever forget--this is just more incentive to remember. The first day of Lent.
My faith means so much to me. I thank my parents for that. But I'm not sure I really believe that he is now seeing my Mom, his parents and his two beloved big brothers and cherished friends.
I would like to believe that, but really--where did Dad go? I know he was not there in the hospital bed when H. and I went to say goodbye this morning. To hold his hand, kiss his cheek, thank him for being so good and loving us so much. He looked like Dad and he felt like Dad but what really mattered had flown away. Into the arms of angels.
I would like them to give him back.
I've always found Ash Wednesday sobering--the words the priest says while smudging your forehead:
Remember that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return. —Genesis 3:19
Fat lot of good those words do now.
I knew when my cell rang. The nice young doctor called at 5:50 and said he died peacefully and did not suffer.
My life will never be the same again. I now have a hole that will never be filled. I have long dreaded life without Dad, been unable to fathom it.
He was always there for me, always on my side. Somehow I will find a way to move forward. That's because of him.
I find it odd that it happened on Ash Wednesday. As though I would ever forget--this is just more incentive to remember. The first day of Lent.
My faith means so much to me. I thank my parents for that. But I'm not sure I really believe that he is now seeing my Mom, his parents and his two beloved big brothers and cherished friends.
I would like to believe that, but really--where did Dad go? I know he was not there in the hospital bed when H. and I went to say goodbye this morning. To hold his hand, kiss his cheek, thank him for being so good and loving us so much. He looked like Dad and he felt like Dad but what really mattered had flown away. Into the arms of angels.
I would like them to give him back.
I've always found Ash Wednesday sobering--the words the priest says while smudging your forehead:
Remember that thou art dust, and to dust thou shalt return. —Genesis 3:19
Fat lot of good those words do now.
Posts
This is so beautiful, Alice – the reference to Ash Wednesday with those heartbreakingly appropriate words. I wish that they would give him back, too... give all of them back! This is a sad day. Love, Lin
ReplyDeleteAlice my dear what sad day for all.Your reference to what a great Dad you had was always a joy to read.
ReplyDeleteSurely they are all together now and will be watching over you as long as it is needed.
My deepest sympathy,Aunt Ann
Alice, I am so, so sorry for your loss. You took AMAZING care of your dad. As sad as it was, I loved reading your stories about your visits and conversations with him. Your relationship was really something special.
ReplyDeletePete and I send you our sympathies and prayers. Love, Eileen
Ah, Alice. So so sorry. All our sympathies and love.
ReplyDeleteDear Lin, Aunt Ann, Eileen and Kim...thank you so much for your kind wishes. This was Day 1 on a rough, rough road. I cannot believe Dad's not here. We were talking last night at 9:15, less than 24 hours ago. It is all so very very sad. Like a big part of the world just ran into a wall. Love, alice xoxoxoox
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry. He was father and mother both to you when he had to be, I think you wrote.
ReplyDeleteOh, Alice. This is such heartbreaking news! I am so very very sorry for your loss. I know that you and your Dad shared a very special bond, and how much you were dreading this day. Thinking of you and sending you big hugs.
ReplyDeletexxxooo
Madonna
Hi Nan. Yes, my Dad definitely stepped up to the plate and took over when my mother died. I was the youngest of four kids, age 20, so not that young! But I was crushed. Even before my Mom died, he and I were really close. He cooked a lot, sewed patches on my blue jeans, helped me with homework when I was younger sometimes. I thank you for your wishes.
ReplyDeleteCandy: It is because of you that I wrote that essay about Dad, and that made him very proud. Thank you, and thank you for your kind note.
Love, alic xoxoxo