I Believe, I Believe

Dad got this book for Figgy one Christmas.
He loved telling me that when my
brothers and Sis and I were kids, he and Mom
would point out the little red lighthouse under the GWB.

Cried hard for Dad driving over Tappan Zee Bridge today. Remembered that he liked to tell me about the lighthouse under the George Washington Bridge. Saw the one by the Tap today. [When Figgy was much younger, H. and I took her there one Sunday.]

Can't believe I will never see him again. Forever seems so, so long. It just seems impossible. I will grow to be an old woman, without Dad to guide me and believe in me? To be proud of me? He won't be there on Easter? He loved black jelly beans. Not on his birthday, April 20? Not on Father's Day?

He was such a good man. He cared, and he listened, and he encouraged. There is so much I want to talk to him about. I miss him so much. So does Sis. We talk about it a lot. I know that when I cry, he hears me. Dad, I say, I miss you so much. But I have to square my shoulders and pull myself together or I will get into a car accident, swerving lanes from blubbering, and blurring my vision, or taking a hand off the wheel to blow my nose and dry my tears. He would surely want me to be safe. Perhaps he is helping me steer.

Bonnie, who lives up in Belfast, ME and is close to H.'s brother John, sent me a card and letter that reduced me to a pool of tears. What she wrote is so beautiful. Bonnie is good energy anyway, and now she is a minister, I think.  Listen to what she said:

Many teachers say to look deeply into that huge space left when someone is no longer there. They say to look there because that is where God is. In that unformed, that potential, that great space where someone had been.......That space is not "nothing" but rather everything, just no particular thing, only potential. 


May you eventually find peace in his passing. May you feel his good energy in a new way. And may you feel the loving energy of many people close and far that are holding you in their prayers, hearts and thoughts. I am one of them.

I believe. I believe in the beauty of friends and family. I believe washing my face, brushing my teeth and getting a good night's sleep tonight will be helpful, and that maybe I can fit in a bike ride tomorrow. I believe, I believe. Thanks, Dad, and thanks, Bonnie.

Good night.