The Road to Depression Is Paved with Cheese and Crackers

Thelma and Louise--my runaway fantasy definitely involves a car.

I pledged to be truthful here. Wish I could tell you I had a rosy day. Can't.

Did get gas at 6:50 A.M. [had just enough money on my debit card to authorize a fill], deliver Figgy where she had to be on time and get myself to boot camp, where I ran and shuffled and did step-ups on the bench. As usual, I took Sug for a walk around the block as soon as I got back from boot camp.

But after that, things converged and I collapsed like a house of cards.

I was all set to complete one deadline and make headway on another when the pressure of unpaid bills and unhappy people became too much. Things are stacked up and backed up, unknown and out of control. I felt sad, angry, helpless and hopeless. Anxious, too. I've been holding things together for a long while, and sometimes, it's just too stark, scary and hard. Sometimes I get tired of being so adult and want to curl up like a child.

Though I'd planned to make a sandwich with a little crispy bacon and fresh tomatoes on whole-grain and then get out of my workout clothes and into a nice outfit, I got a very upsetting phone call about an issue I was powerless to resolve. Instead of cooking the bacon, I turned to quick and easy Ritz crackers and Cheddar melted in the microwave, which promptly led to a scavenger hunt ending with part of a sugar-free Klondike bar [I'm not virtuous, that's all we had] with mini chocolate chips thrown in for good measure. Oh, and I heated up the oven to make three thickly sliced slice-and-bake gingersnaps, from the Alice Waters recipe.

What happened is that I felt defeated, so I reached for something else to feed or at least blanket my defeat. Soft melted cheese. Soft sweet ginger cookies right off the warm pan. Misery loves company.

Mothers Riding in Cars
Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. Like I want to drive away to a place where no one knows me, to a calm new life, in which I have a car and an apartment and write a book in cafes. There might be window boxes and blue water. I would just worry about me and leave everyone else behind to fend for themselves. Rationally, I would not do that. But I've still had those thoughts on and off lately.

After the phone call, instead of putting the car in drive and heading for the highway, I gave in to powerless sleep. I lost three hours. I did see Sis and Don, who stopped by to cheer me after a visit to Dad, and got dinner on the table with H. But did not wriggle out of workout clothes and into an easy skirt until about 9 P.M., when H. and I took Sug for a walk down to the brook near the house by the picket fence, and then back up our hill again.

But I am determined to learn from this. Inert bodies do eventually move, right?

Cheese-and-Crackers Lessons Learned--Notes to Self

1. Get dressed! Next time, after boot camp, have a snack ready [dried apricots, turkey on a piece of toast, something healthful] and then go right upstairs and shower, dress and accessorize. Do not settle in at computer in kitchen. If you have to check emails re. work issues, okay, but force yourself to go get dressed right after. That is part of taking care of yourself, so you are ready to work as the professional writer you are.
2. Keep Ritz crackers out. H. buys them sometimes when they're on sale at ShopRite, but they're just too much of a trigger food for you when stressed out. They're no bargain for your body and don't even taste that great. Either tell H. to please not buy them or to always put them out of sight, as he does when he buys the rare bag of chips. 
3. Beware overeating on any carbs. They make you tired. You just want to curl up and sleep. They are pretty cheap, so that's attractive, but you can rustle up some protein, whether it's cottage cheese, chicken or tuna. Just do it. If you really want a boost, go get an iced coffee.
4. Keep the faith. Sometimes, that's all there is. If you were not the type of person who keeps the faith, you would not be here right now. But you are that kind of person. Keep it, guard it, hold it tight. That is truly all you know.

Good night.