Letter to Dad, No. 7

Dear Dad,

It's a lonely road without you. I am growing and changing in some positive ways, and am grateful for that. But it's so strange not to be able to call you up and talk to you. The ways I'm trying to change are pretty personal, and even though we were very close and talked about a lot, I'm not sure I would have shared this stuff.

Sissy and I love to quote things you said, to keep you alive in our hearts. Things like: "I'm just checking you out," which you'd often say when calling daily to see how we were. We both miss you so much. It seems that's all I can say, over and over again. I can't seem to put it into other words.

I am so grateful for all of the stories you told me, the crystal-clear memories you shared, the funny jokes. I like thinking of you gardening, growing tomatoes, asparagus and peaches and having a compost pile. When I took your white car to inspection today, it passed, and I remembered being a little girl and going with you to inspection. Back then, the lines were long and it took forever. Today it went very fast--there were five lanes, so that helped.

I wish you could tell me what life after death is like. Or if there is life after death. I wish you could send me a sign. In the meanwhile, I will continue to do my best every day to be a good and kind person. I fail sometimes, but I will continue to try my best. I know you weren't perfect but in my eyes, you were kind.

I try to imagine where you are, where you went. I see you as the bunny on my lawn, and that bunny is getting bigger and braver and now there are babies. That wily bunny shows up a lot, once even when Sis was leaving to drive home to Connecticut. I like to think that bunny is you because then you are in our sphere, watching out for us. You haven't left us entirely. 

But really, where did you go since I saw you last in that ICU room?

And Dad? I miss you encouraging me as a writer, cheering me on. Sometimes I feel like a loser without that.

I miss you, Dad.

Love always,
Alice

TCOY

1. Ummmmmm....nothing....wait, I must have done something.....didn't even walk the dust mop around the block...but we had a family appt. in NYC and the car overheated near Central Park and etc. etc.....updated my income tally for the year and realized I have to scurry and get more story pitches out. I sure do.