Warning: This topic is heavy and might be disturbing. Many people I hold close read my blog. I don't want to worry you. I want to face facts myself by writing this.
You already know I am one big paradox wrapped up in ribbons and bows. I try not overeating on sweets, but I adore baking and have an arsenal of the very best baking books. I have loved to bake since girlhood, and to give treats to family and friends. I am overweight and I exercise but still struggle with a big Santa belly.
Well, H. was away in the San Francisco area for two nights. I have sleep apnea, as confirmed maybe 8 years ago in an overnight sleep study in a hospital. It was one of the most horrendous experiences I have ever endured. Wires and electrodes all over and a mask that frightened me and a promise from the nurse that I could get her if I felt I could not breathe. But then she did not come, at least once. A medical supply company came to deliver a mask and a machine after that study and I would not accept it. The thought of being tied to having to use a machine every night, especially since I love to travel on road trips, was terrifying. My doctor encouraged me to use a machine, but I declined. He also said that losing some weight would improve my sleep apnea, so I grabbed onto that hope.
Fast forward to last night. Going to bed, reviewing the sweets I had eaten in a single Thursday, below. Praying to God, again. Holding my belly, again. Dear God, what is the answer?
You already know I am one big paradox wrapped up in ribbons and bows. I try not overeating on sweets, but I adore baking and have an arsenal of the very best baking books. I have loved to bake since girlhood, and to give treats to family and friends. I am overweight and I exercise but still struggle with a big Santa belly.
Well, H. was away in the San Francisco area for two nights. I have sleep apnea, as confirmed maybe 8 years ago in an overnight sleep study in a hospital. It was one of the most horrendous experiences I have ever endured. Wires and electrodes all over and a mask that frightened me and a promise from the nurse that I could get her if I felt I could not breathe. But then she did not come, at least once. A medical supply company came to deliver a mask and a machine after that study and I would not accept it. The thought of being tied to having to use a machine every night, especially since I love to travel on road trips, was terrifying. My doctor encouraged me to use a machine, but I declined. He also said that losing some weight would improve my sleep apnea, so I grabbed onto that hope.
Fast forward to last night. Going to bed, reviewing the sweets I had eaten in a single Thursday, below. Praying to God, again. Holding my belly, again. Dear God, what is the answer?
- 1 smallish chocolate cupcake from Little Daisy Bake Shop when walking back from town.
- 1 mini chocolate cupcake from Little Daisy, when Punch wanted to go in on our way to jewelry holiday party at 7:45 p.m.
- 1 small cookie at the party.
- 1 thick slice of the world's best gingerbread loaf, buttery and fragrant--Punch chose it at Little Daisy, took one bite. I put it in freezer to save for her and then ate it with a glass of cold milk at 11 p.m.
- 1 of the foil-wrapped Rocher chocolates Punchy proudly bought with her own money and has been doling out carefully [to herself and her pal Rowan].
Fast forward to about 3 a.m. I woke up struggling to breathe. I could not get any air in. Thank God I woke up, sat up and struggled, finally able to get some air into my lungs. Thoughts of a classmate's older brother who died so young, in his sleep, at a hotel, I think. Something about a breathing problem or obstruction. Little Punch was sleeping soundly right across the hall; Sug was curled up in donut position on our bed. H. was not by my side. He tells me that I have bad apnea and he has to tell me to roll over, etc.
Is this God's answer?
I am willing to give up sweet treats in moderation so that I will be healthier. I am not willing to give them up entirely. It is December, and I am planning certain days to bake and give.
I hope and pray, pray and hope. But this was very, very scary. I think my apnea is worse when I eat sweets and milk right before bed, so maybe I could at least not do that?
Thank you for listening to my tapped words.
I would love to know what you think, but even that frightens me. If I would have to endure another sleep study in order to get the equipment, I'm not sure that I can. Not unless H. or someone else spends the night there with me.
Signing off,
Frightened to Death?
Signing off,
Frightened to Death?
TCOY
- Boot camp in the park.
- Walked Sug.
- Hot tea.
Posts
Alice, how very scary for you! I'm so sorry, my friend, that you had to go through this and go through this alone.
ReplyDeleteDon't avoid the doctor on this. I would definitely talk to him/her about the sleep apnea again. Maybe really push for other solutions beyond the big machine. Maybe there is some less invasive devices.
And, if you need a new sleep study, absolutely have H. stay with you. Or a friend. I'll come. Seriously. I would absolutley come if you can't manage H. away from Punchy and your other friends can't swing it. If the hospital balks at a friend or loved one there during the study, hire a nurse aide to attend to you for the night. It's not cheap, but it's not the earth either--somewhere in the $200s. We did it for Mom at certain points in the hospital throughout her last years. Don't avoid another study if you need it, but also don't let anyone tell you that your fears are not valid. There are solutions. There are always solutions. Be frank with your doctor and insistent with the hospital.
On the other hand, I know you have so ably been able to ditch sweets in the past, but maybe this all or nothing isn't the way, esp thru December. I like the idea of bake-and-give days. What I like most though is your instinct that eating late is contributing to the apenea. I would allow myself some very very clear limits on sweets this festive month and the bake and give (but if you eat more than you have prescribed for yourself on one of those bake days, you can't bake any more. Nope, not one more day). I also would absolutely close that kitchen after dinner. Not step foot into it. Put a ribbon up if you need to across the door with a cute sign, "Kitchen closed." Have everyone agree to it, too. Late-night eating isn't good for anyone.
Please keep us posted. You're in my thoughts and this stuff is really hard.
Good advice from Kim. Take care of yourself, Alice. Love, Linda
ReplyDeleteMy brother sleeps with the machine and has for years. He takes it along when he travels. He says it makes an amazing difference. I have read there are newer solutions now.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with Kim on the testing and your timing of eating. No sweets at all is not an option this time of year. You know me and data-your Fitbit can track your sleep, and I think it tells you how often you are restless during the night. You might try wearing it, and see if you can see a difference on what it reports when you eat differently.
ReplyDeleteKim,Lin and Nan...thank you for caring. I read all of your words carefully. Good ideas. Love, Alice
ReplyDelete