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Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Big Miss Cranky Pants

Sending this out to the universe under my roof.
  1. Hey, Athleta top with built-in bra, I'm talking to you. We've been friends for years of boot camp but why is it at yoga that your scoop neck seems so low that I feel indecent doing a down dog--even with a regular bra under the built-in bra? I could always count on you to look good. This morning at 8 a.m. yoga class, I felt embarrassed. 
  2. Dear Last Minute Man, I know we all need dinner and I was planning on making it, but it's stressful to walk in from therapy appt and short latte break to hear that you are leaving for a meeting in 15 minutes and would love some dinner to grab and go. Fortunately, the chopped onions and sliced mushrooms browned quickly in the skillet and I could swiftly fill and fry a whole-grain quesadilla [and tell you how many grams of carbs are in the tortillas]. But if I hadn't planned well, this would have been even more stressful.
  3. Dear Sweater Thief, you mean you borrowed my brand-new orange Tory Burch sweater, the one with long, feminine bell sleeves, without asking? The sweater I recently WON in a fashion contest on apprecier.com, the sweater with the $250 price tag? And you put it haphazardly back on a hanger and there are small black marks that look like ink or paint near the hem? And you're sorry, you didn't mean to, but you don't know what they are? For the near future, hands off all of my clothing and accessories. I guess you can still use my perfume and beauty stuff.
  4. Hey Bath Lover, can't you hear me filling the tub at 10 p.m.? I'm stressed out and need to relax. Don't look dejected because you can't take a bath at the same moment. Our 1920s home was built with only one bathroom.
  5. And while we're on the bath subject, hot water heater, don't run out when it's finally my turn, after running the washing machine and dishwasher and two people showering. Don't leave me in the cold.
  6. And you, Bedtime Snacker Slacker, make up your mind. I don't have all night for someone small to decide between Cheerios with milk and a pudding cup. I'm desperate to take a bath.
  7. Hey Christmas cactus, would you just hurry up and bloom again? I don't feel like keeping you around til next Yuletide for flowers. That's too much dreary for too little pretty payoff.
Miss Sunshine should/could/might be back tomorrow. Will let you know if she resurfaces. Good night.

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