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Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Owning My Anger

Remember the Joan Crawford character screaming at her daughter about using wire hangers in the
1981 movie, "Mommie Dearest?" Well, I'm not that bad. I might yell sometimes,
but I have true love and a true heart. Link from HERE.
That "Big Miss Cranky Pants" post I wrote last night? Now I feel guilty about it. But I'm not taking it down.

This is all part of the process of owning my anger. Writing helps me confront and work through issues. And while I like journals sometimes, I like blogging better because I'm not writing into a void. I'm being heard. I like crafting sentences, choosing words that I know you will read.

But I feel guilty about calling one person a Sweater Thief, another a Bedtime Snacker Slacker, another Last Minute Man. I feel remorseful, even ashamed, about my snarky tone. I love my family, I do. But getting angry at them doesn't mean I don't love them, does it?

I would like to present as all sunshine and yellow roses, fluffy clouds of whipped cream and pillowy marshmallows, for a soft, padded landing.

But I'm not. I'm human. I get angry. It is ok and natural to get angry sometimes; it is how you deal with the anger that divides the wise from the stupid.

I truly felt hurt, disrespected [the sweater]; taken for granted [the grab and go dinner on short notice]; exhausted and overextended [the Bedtime Snacker Slacker]. I had just practiced some relaxation visualization techniques on the couch, in a workbook, while Punch did her reading, to learn to transport myself to a calm place when I'm getting agitated. I would say I got less angry than I could have last night, but I want to learn to express my unhappiness or frustration in a way that doesn't leave me feeling dark and deflated after.

Can I learn to calmly express it? To sidestep going off the rails and calling names, raising my voice?

Yes, I can.

I still have a lot of growing up to do. But part of that growing up involves accepting all parts of myself and being the best version of me I can be at any given time. BTW, I didn't make up that saying in pink. I stole it and adapted it; it was printed on the back of a light blue T-shirt I bought Punchy at our church carnival in June. The Youth Group kids were selling the shirts.

I have some more wallowing to do in between work and work searches.

Thank you for being there, and, I hope, bearing with my mood last night. See, there I go again, worrying that you won't love me because I was honest about my anger. Thinking that I shouldn't show you my rage, only a pretty sweater or new lipstick.

Thinking that I have to stuff down my imperfections with handfuls of the very ordinary Hershey's Kisses Punchy has.

Long road ahead for my personal growth. As God is--and you are--my witness. Thank you.


9 comments:

  1. a) love you even more when you're honest about your crankiness and anger.
    b) DBT saying: we are all doing the best we can; we can all be doing better.
    c) sometimes it's justified to be pissed when peeps are taking advantage, being careless, being unconcerned. Anger and hurt and frustration natural, human emotions. Having them doesn't mean you are not perfect. You're perfectly human. If we didn't get pissed sometimes, people would walk all over us.
    d) agreed, how we convey those emotions-honestly, authentically, constructively, the key.
    e) you deserve better than ordinary Kisses. They are beneath you.
    f) I love your pretty sweaters and lipsticks. I love this stuff more. xoxo

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  2. Kim, thank you for this note. I so appreciate it and your wisdom. Hershey's Kisses are beneath me. Haha, yes they are! But I'm rereading your insightsseveral times. So helpful. Love, Alice

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  3. Alice, I liked your "Big Miss Cranky Pants" post very much. It was real. And so is this one. I still read your blog first thing, every day. Love, Linda

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    1. Oh, Lin, thank you. I still check yours just about daily, too. [I miss your frequent posts.] i love you. Struggling but doing my best. Al

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  4. Awed and impressed with the honesty. The crafting of sentences to articulate the feeling and then own it has got to be helpful.
    Xoxo

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    1. Thanks, Nan. I don't know quite what's going on, but I have also been eating every sweet thing that isn't nailed down. Not good. Sending love your way. Alice

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  5. Hey Alice, I've been having trouble commenting again, but wanted you to know that I'm always reading. xo, Eileen

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  6. Thank you, my friend Eileen. Sorry to hear trouble commenting. That happens to me also on friends' blogs when I comment on my iPhone. Like this whole comment disappeared and I had to redo it. Xo

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