To Tell the Truth: Dark Days without Sweets

Ugh, I was *terrified* of even the opening music to this show when I was a girl down at my cousin Cathy's house after school.  I had to go in the other room. No, I'm more the type who wants to sweeten life with pink layer cake and fluffy whipped cream. So it's hard to face life's dark shadows without spoonfuls of sugar.

When I started this blog more than seven years ago, I vowed to be honest, to write truthfully. That doesn't mean I don't omit things--some issues are too painful or personal to share, and like my writing idol, Mary Cantwell, I like to use pseudonyms for the daughters in my house. [I learned this from Ms. Cantwell, whose writing I adore. She called her two daughters Snow White, the fairer of the two, and Rose Red.] To tell the truth, things were rough the last couple days. I would have done a two-or three-word post, just a title, such as No Words, had I not lost my iPhone somehow on Sunday. But in its absence, I couldn't bring myself to get down from my bedroom to my laptop, or God forbid, to lug the laptop upstairs. Things have been hard. Let me count the ways.

1. Had a big fight, or battle you might call it, with Dan. It involved Punch being under his charge while I took a nap Sunday--I had entertained her for the entire weekend, since Dan had been out working--and Punch then using nearly every beauty aid known to woman to make slime, a craze among kids right now, while he mowed the lawn and mended broken plates I had been asking about for a while. She used baby powder, a jar of pricey pink foot cream, hairspray, shampoo, Olay face wash, Cup4Cup gluten-free flour and almost an entire new jar of Vaseline*. She made a huge mess in the bathroom and her bedroom. I yelled and said terrible things to both of them and am still swimming in remorse and regret. I know I cannot change the past. I can change every step forward I take from here. When I keep my cool, everyone is calmer. But I was very upset. Punch cannot be left to her own devices without frequent check-ins. I thought back to my younger mother self. It was a snow day from school and our friend Michael was here with young Ryan and Emmy, who made some huge mess with little Figgy and a sack of flour and other ingredients. It's okay, I remember saying with a smile to Michael, as we sat with Dan. A sack of flour is not that expensive and they have so much fun. That's true, he said. Where was that young mother's perspective now? Lost in this 50+ lady.
2. I MISS CAKE AND CANDY AND ICE CREAM. AND COOKIES, PIE AND ARTFULLY CRAFTED MOCHA LATTES WITH A NICE THICK CAP OF WHIPPED CREAM. Yes, I do, I do. I started this low-carb way of eating May 16 and  have been doing well overall. The advice is to only weigh yourself once a month--though even my doctor in the past suggested weighing daily--but I donated platelets at the blood center Friday and they weigh you beforehand as a matter of course. According to that scale, after lunch, I was about 5 pounds down from my starting weight on May 16. I feel less like I am leading with my belly when I walk, and I like that. I feel lighter on my feet. But hell, do I miss cake and brownies and pie. As a result, I have been drinking more coffee. Good coffee, made at home, but with a whole lot of whole milk, not skim. This is a step down from the half and half I had come to prefer. I buy the skim and use it sometimes.
3. There is a 10-year-old girl in this house. Hence, she brings in 10-year-old-girl things, like a big bag of candy from the birthday party she attended Sunday at Chocolate Works. And she will take forever to eat it. I have eaten a little bit of it so far. The great paradox is that the dr. who monitors her ADHD meds, the dr. we are seeing today, says almost every single time that she needs to gain weight. The meds she takes for schooldays suppress her appetite and she is kind of a dainty eater to begin with. This is a problem. So we buy some cereals she loves and then I eat a bowl or two. Or I'm supposed to avoid corn but when I cook some nice sweet ears for her, along with mashed potatoes, it's hard for me to resist them
4. I am struggling with my job search. I have to tie up loose ends on projects I started and I feel guilty that I have not done so. Want to do that before I plunge into the search. To meet old commitments before taking on new ones. I also have writing assignments, for which I am grateful. But this inertia in finishing a big project, not wrapping it up and tying it with a red satin bow, has led to negative self-talk. And that makes it hard for me to do normal self-care things, like take a shower or brush my teeth. It's a subtle yet quickly vicious cycle. Truth, truth.

I have to move on to my day. 

Thanks for listening. *I told Punch I am taking $5 from her [smallish] savings account for the price of that brand-new jar of Vaseline. She is lucky I'm not billing her for the rest.