As the Sand Passed Through the Hourglass

Note the little bulbs on the brown algae. Fig and I squeezed them to release a beauty treatment to work through our hair. After all, they sell seaweed shampoo at the store.

The surf was rough in Maine--I mean crashing and scary with Punch. Like, get back on the beach, this shark-infested water could kill you. I won't go into details. And it continued to be terrorizing last night, upon return at 11 p.m., and today.

If future me wants to remember the pain and fear (oh, yeah, that's what happened that trip), my code words are Fireside Inn, soap in can and bus ticket.

But there were still some nice moments amidst the fear and danger:

1. The wedding party at Mere Point for Leah and Greg.
2. Drive to Rockport with Figgy to my niece Anna's tiny house in the woods, built by her Dad. Fig had never been there. Anna served us coffee and fruit and Grape-Nuts with a high-protein yogurt I plan to buy. Icelandic, I think, and lemon-flavored without a lot of sugar. It was lovely to see her, and see the girls together.
3. A leisurely stop by the rocky coast to explore with my firstborn and a visit to Dot's Market in Lincolnville Beach, a pricey gourmet shop with a great edit. No, no, I did not notice any chocolate peanut butter cupcakes with fat caps of swirled icing. Nope.
4. Seeing my sisters-in-law (all four). That counts Therese, with a flower in her hair; Sheila, natural beauty and gifted cook (she filled the grill with hotdogs, burgers, chicken and street corn and managed it all); Martha, intellectual, funny, fit, blonde, insightful; and Eileen, Dan's capable, professional, stylish little sister, who moved up to Maine with my mother-in-law as a young girl.
5. Biking over the historic Belfast bridge, and then walking it another day when Fig roller-skated over the span.
6. Small talk with strangers on the bridge about dogs and fishing.
7. July Fourth cookout. Nice hotdog on grilled bun, homemade potato salad.
8. Seeing our nephews' little children--and the Dads we knew as boys.
9. Belfast Co-op.
10. Chamomile flowers. I bought a plant for Anna and one to plant here at home.
11. Baking a Blueberry Galette from a Down East-published book found in Southern Maine with Nancy. The crust was raggedy, hard and off-kilter, I piled the berries too high and the juice ran all over the cookie sheet instead of staying in the galette but it still tasted good. I tried. My life was/is raggedy, hard and off-kilter, so why shouldn't the galette be? Still, I liked gathering ingredients and baking in my sister-in-law Martha's yellow kitchen.
12. Visiting dear Leah at her house on my way home to NJ. Seeing her beautiful pocket gardens and paint colors and home office and pet bunny for the kids.
13. Seaweed hair treatment. Fig and I squeezed the clear juice from the bulbs on seaweed/kelp found in Belfast. Snap, squeeze, finger-comb through hair. We like doing things like that.
14. Cocktails (I had sun tea) at Pat and Martha's neighbors' lovely old farmhouse. Smoked Gouda, sliced baby cucumber from the garden and juicy little strawberries, the fruitful gems of summer in Maine.

I was going to say sorry for another sad sap post but it's not my fault, so can't say sorry.

That's it. The pain is real but there was some beauty. And while I see that 14 might seem like a high tally, in my mind, it did not/could not cancel out even that one first night in a Maine hotel.

Private Eye

Private Room

Private (rank in the Marines or Army)

Private Practice

Private Dectective

Private Benjamin (my earlier blog code for therapy appointment)

Private Party

Private Conversation

Private Matter

Privacy

Things have been messy and hard and I am not at liberty to divulge here. Trying to remain standing in grace rather than lying in misery and fear.

Lucky 7 List: Tuesday’s Child Is Full of Grace

Showy pink lady’s slipper, or slipper orchid. 

Wow. Do we really exist in a world 

with wild, slipper-shaped flowers? 

That’s lucky. Image and info link here. 

I started writing here in February 2010, when Figgy was 14, a high school freshman, and Punchy was 3 and back living with her birth mom. (My smart, long-time friend Kim’s blog set me on this blogging path.) 

I have seen darkness and light, and charted it here. Click for a few examples of posts about sadness and sunshine of the spirit.

Today I see graces around me. But facing life on life’s terms also brings an awareness that we all meet up with challenges, and trying days. It won’t just be the gentle wind at our backs every day. Sometimes the road will be rocky and slippery. (Yesterday was hard. From 3 to 5 p.m., a certain young someone had great difficulty regulating her emotions and holding a boundary. It was ugly and scary, I won’t lie. But it must have been ugly and scary for the young one, too.)

Graces, midday on Tuesday, March 21, 2023:

1. Child. Punchy started at a new out-of-district high school last week. I am so very very very very very very grateful. So is Dan, and the extended family that supports our Punch. They know who they are.
2. Beauty. I got my hair cut last week--a trim and shape-up by talented Linda at 212 Salon and Day Spa in Montclair. I’m grateful to have moderate funds for pampering: regular pedicures, special-day blowouts and, when I can no longer ignore the gray, single-process hair color. Then, every few months, if the stars are in their courses and the pennies in the purse, the big kahuna, the ultimate glow-up: Highlights by Chrystina at Boho Hair Salon. (I put live links here not because I earn money if you click on them. I don’t. But I want you to know of these places, too.)
3. Notes. Writing notes (mostly thank you notes, or letters to Figgy in Florida) is very important to me. When I’m not in a good mental state, I do not mail notes. I cannot muster up the energy or find the space for the process: pen to paper, good thoughts, Love, Alice or Love, Mima, lick the envelope, address it, press on a Forever postage stamp, put in our mail basket for carrier, David T., to send on its way. “This should get to her in three days,” David says when I put a card there for Figgy. If something is more urgent, I go to the Post Office, and I love that, too.
4. Fat cat. I adore that Nina, who just turned two. She is a storybook kitty, pretty green eyes and a playful spirit. Like Sugar Maureen, our Bichon Frise, Nina is my baby.
5. Skin. Less acne. My darn CPAP machine mask irritates my skin. I need the mask and machine so I keep breathing at night, but I pay for it with breakouts and redness. CeraVe Acne Control Cleanser, bought on impulse at CVS, seems to help. My dermatologist could not. Don’t ask.
6. Young adult. Figgy is doing well as far as I can see, and my heart lifts for that. It’s a fact mothers share: If one of your kids is suffering psychologically, physically, heartwise or in any other way, you are far less lighthearted and hence, less likely to count your graces. But I think counting our graces anyway on any day is a skill worth acquiring. When we do that, we don’t fall apart with our kids in their tough times. I have been prone to falling apart and losing my footing with a daughter or two, as though one sad, scared young person is not enough at any given time in a household.
7. Health care. Coverage is paid up to date. Years back, I had to call many times because our monthly payment was very high and hard to keep up with, and our coverage had been terminated. Thank you, Obamacare*. 

Graces are not just big things but also small ones, like a tiny daffodil raising its head in a ruffled bonnet or two adorable little sisters in the neighborhood walking their cute dog, who just happens to be wearing a sweater. 

May all of our days be sprinkled with graces. 

*Per Wikipedia: HealthCare.gov is a health insurance exchange website operated by the United States federal government under the provisions of the Affordable Care Act or ACA, commonly referred to as “Obamacare”, which currently serves the residents of the U.S. states which have opted not to create their own state exchanges.^{[1][better source needed]} The exchange facilitates the sale of private health insurance plans to residents of the United States^[2] and offers subsidies to those who earn between one and four times the federal poverty line, but not to those earning less than the federal poverty line.^[3] The website also assists those persons who are eligible to sign up for Medicaid, and has a separate marketplace for small businesses.

41 Minutes by the Blue

Life can be scary. Nature is healing.

Today I drove Sis’s car, with Sirius XM radio and good A.C., to Sherwood Island State Park, exit 18 off Route 95 North. It’s a little beyond Westport, Connecticut (the town where Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward raised their family).

I had to get the car back in time so Sis could go to spin class. Traffic was bad. I had 41 minutes at the beach, 4:19 p.m. until 5. 

It was enough. Nature in my heart, my soul, my pocket. I took off my Peds and Nikes, minced my steps over a dense carpet of whole and jagged seashells, and walked into the Long Island Sound--ankle-deep. 

Many gifts if eyes open to see them:

• A sailboat, crisp white wing against June sky.
• Seaweed. 
• Shells in hand, an oyster shell for Sis.
• The promise of summer in my heart. Joy, sand, sunscreen, water, waves. Always and forever.
• Walking the path, which climaxes by the quiet "living" 911 Memorial, designed to change naturally with the seasons. It’s a beautiful pocket by a rocky coast. 
• A few Wednesday sun umbrellas and small beach tents.
• Beach roses, pink and promising white. Just like Cape Cod! (Dan even planted a hot candy-pink one in our backyard.) We can’t pick flowers in public places, so I plucked a single pink petal and held it to my nose.
• White clover in green grass. I remember that in the lawns and parks of my girlhood. Wildflowers. How pretty. Flowers that grow wild, whether we want them or not. Determined blooms. Rugged.
• Quick prayer.
• Lungs filled.

I asked the nice guy at the snack bar if they had iced coffee. Not today, but they will, come summer.

I was back in time for Sis to get to spin class. #grateful

Good night.

Still Feeling Lost & Broken Inside

And it's still too personal to delve into here.

FOOD

• 2:15 am, because that's how long the madness/sadness persisted....another lemon panna cotta in wedding china cup with couple spoonfuls All the Summer Berries on top.I think there were 7 or 8 panna cottas in all. Today, Dan and Punch discovered them, and loved them, plunging their spoons into the quivering cupfuls. And then there were none. Will def make again, and maybe cut sugar back even more, to 5 T.
• 8:30 am, coffee with whole milk. Salted cashews.
• Noon, 4 slice bacon, 2 slice Ezekiel toast, one with butter, one with crunchy PB. Second coffee with whole milk. Half-cup very mediocre deli potato salad. 2 crunchy pickles.
• 7:45 pm, dinner, some mushroom soup, small cheese ravioli, 1 slice cucumber, 1 bite broccoli, 1 Ezekiel toast w butter, 8 whole-grain saltines w butter.
• I think I will have a glass of milk for dessert.

TCOY

1. Support group via Zoom.
2. Walked Sug around block.
3. Walked briefly around farmers' market, wearing mask and keeping social distancing,,and bought a couple of healthy things--crunchy new pickles from Pickle Icious and mushroom soup from Spoon Me Soups. Next time, I'm going back for the chilled mango coconut blend. 
4. Nap.
5. Planted ranunnculus bulbs, trimmed forsythia shrub that was growing wild.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET

• Montclair Farmers Market. Spoon Me Soups, $12 for one frozen quart. Flower farm, 2 potted succulent plants, one for Fig and one for Punch, $10. Pickle Icious, $8. Total, $30.

Total daily spend: $30.

Ongoing monthly spend as of May 2: $30.

Avg daily spend: $15.

The People in the Park Who Sensed My Pain

I had to remove myself today.  I got in the car and drove to Yantacaw Brook Road in Montclair. The yellow caution tape marking the sweet park at the end of the road was gone. The little park was open, with its pond, running brook, rolling paths, flowering trees, ducks and meditative fountain.

This is what I think Heaven will look like, I told my family just two Sundays ago when we walked by the park.

This afternoon, I sat alone on a bench for a long time, waiting for my heart to stop beating so fast. Many people walked by; it was the first sunny day after a couple of dark ones. They tried to catch my eye. They tried to make me smile.

I think we can sense when someone is in pain.

Here are the people I remember smiling or saying hi. There were others, too.

I wanted to be alone and meditate and think and calm down, but they wanted to engage me in small talk, make me feel better. I understand that.

1. Older Indian woman. It's beautiful weather, she said.
2. Older Indian man [her companion, though lagging behind].
3. Pretty blonde mom around my age, walking with her pretty blonde twentysomething daughter.
4. Woman in hat with husband. Aren't they adorable? she said to me, pointing to two can-do little boys, maybe brothers, biking around the park again and again. I thought maybe she was a therapist.
5. Thirtysomething man who biked by.
6. Dad at park with wife and preteen daughter.

I don't know what else to say. I came home and took Sugar for a walk around the block and gave her a saucer of white-meat chicken scraps for dinner.

FOOD

• Breakfast, 8:30, test a lemon panna cotta. Also, 1 coffee with whole milk.
• 1 mini sugar-free Reese's PB cup.
• 3 oz. everything bagel seasoned cashews.
• Lunch, deli sliced chicken on roll with 2 slices reduced-fat Swiss and Grey Poupon.
• 2nd coffee with whole milk.
• Dinner, 6 pm, some steak, baked sweet potato w butter, 2 slices feta cheese.
• Dessert, Lemon Panna Cotta with All the Summer Berries--in a wedding china teacup.
• And here is where you meet the true compulsive overeater. I felt lonely and sad and P betrayed us in a big, hurtful way that I can’t get into. It hurts deeply, and that was her intent. So before I finally went to sleep at 11:15, I compulsively ate another small panna cotta w berries; rest of cashews; some cold pizza: cold steak P didn’t eat; Grape-nuts w whole milk and splash of cream; walnuts and raisins; last Cadbury egg from her basket; 2 glasses whole milk, one w NesQuik stirred in. Tomorrow is another day. Clean slate. It is hard to be honest here.

TCOY

1. Removed myself, sat on bench, thought.
2. Hot bubble bath.
3. Made the All the Summer Berries part of the dessert from the Prune cookbook. I did enjoy piling strawberries, blackberries, raspberries and a little sugar into a pan, letting them break down with little stirring for maybe 5 to 7 minutes and then putting the pan in an ice bath to stop the cooking.
4. Ate some of that fruit.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET

ZERO.

Hard Times Come Again No More

Feeling worried about two important women in my life...

and what they are bravely facing....Do you know this song?

It is so very lovely. I first heard it at a dance show at

Figgy's middle school....it brought tears to my eyes.

On Pandora or Spotify or iTunes, search the version

by Yo-Yo Ma and Mr. James Taylor. I highlighted 2
lines that really reach me.

Hard Times Come Again No More

Yo-Yo Ma, Mark O'Connor, ...

Let us pause in life's pleasures and count its many tears
While we all sup sorrow with the poor
There's a song that will linger forever in our ears
Oh, hard times, come again no more.

'Tis the song, the sign of the weary
Hard times, hard times, come again no more
Many days you have lingered all around my cabin door
Oh hard times, come again no more.

While we seek mirth and beauty and music light and gay
There are frail forms fainting at the door
Though their voices are silent, their pleading looks will say
Oh, hard times, come again no more.

'Tis the song, the sign of the weary
Hard times, hard times, come again no more
Many days you have lingered all around my cabin door
Oh hard times, come again no more.

There's a pale drooping maiden who toils her life away
With a worn heart, whose better days are o'er
Though her voice it would be merry, 'tis sighing all the day
Oh, hard times, come again no more.

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: James Vernon Taylor / Mark Lorenn O'connor / EDGAR A MEYER / TRADITIONAL (PD)

Hard Times Come Again No More lyrics © S.I.A.E. Direzione Generale, Atlantic Music Corp., Gray Mouser Music, Mark O'Connor Musik International, ALFRED PUB CO. OBO STUDIO P/R, PEBBLE CREEK MUSIC

TCOY
List formatting off, so: green beans, good dental care, bubble bath and walk to brook 
with Sug + Dan.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET Whole Foods, 2 Petitpot Organic French Pudding in jars [Dark Chocolate, on sale plus $1 coupon], whole milk, vanilla soy milk, pasta, cookies and 4 bananas, $14.97.

TOTAL DAILY SPEND: $14.97.

TOTAL MONTHLY SPEND AS OF AUGUST 29 [now added all other days on]: $2,767.24.

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND FOR MONTH SO FAR: $95.94.

TOTAL SPEND FOR MONTH OF MAY: $2,348.24.

MAY AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $75.75. 

TOTAL SPEND FOR MONTH OF APRIL: $3,634.28.

APRIL AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $121.14.