Private Eye

Private Room

Private (rank in the Marines or Army)

Private Practice

Private Dectective

Private Benjamin (my earlier blog code for therapy appointment)

Private Party

Private Conversation

Private Matter

Privacy

Things have been messy and hard and I am not at liberty to divulge here. Trying to remain standing in grace rather than lying in misery and fear.

Open to Prayer

Above: A labyrinth walk, a way to pray. I had never seen one until Saturday, at a venerable old church in Montclair. This take on a medieval labyrinth with a pine needle path is in Portland, Maine. I want to go on my next trip up.  

I’m not talking about the kind of prayers I turned to over the years, when I phoned a friend in the sky to make a plea. As in, God, please:

1. Let me go to sleep without being afraid of what might happen in the dark, like Mary might appear at my bedside in a moonbeam and ask me to be a nun, and I don’t want that, and how would I say no to the Blessed Mother? People are chosen for vocations. Please don’t let her ask. Thanks, God.
2. Help me and my friends arrive safely on this big plane to California (that flight in our 20s).
3. Let Dan and me have a baby.
4. Help me ask for a raise effectively, without panic and fear. (That day at Good Housekeeping Magazine, I also prayed to the Blessed Mother and thought of my Italian immigrant grandmother, Rosie, and how she would be proud of me. Not sure if they intervened? I knocked over the wastebasket on way into my boss’s office.)
5. Bless Sis.
6. Guide and watch over Figgy.
7. Guide and watch over Punch (and also, J.)
8. Bless Dad and keep him safe.

No, this week my prayers have been different. I’ve landed on a deeper, more spiritual path.

On Saturday, I did an indoor labyrinth walk for the first time ever with my friend Sunny (blog name). Powerful, v. powerful. A man sat near for the two-hour window (11 to 1, but you set your time) playing the Celtic harp. So very beautiful: “Amazing Grace,” “How Great Thou Art,” “Be Not Afraid."

Today, I caught a ride to 8 a.m. Mass at the historic Catholic Church on North Fullerton Avenue and then centering prayer for Lent with a small group of women, led by my fun-loving yet deeply spiritual friend Susie (blog name).

Open to prayer, open to grace. Back at my desk now.

How about you? Do you pray?

Growing Older

Above: The Blue Spruce tree is sturdy and strong, yet when I pass her and her sisters in parks, they remind me of ladies in waiting, in ballgowns with full skirts. They have fit legs, sure footing, no flimsy satin evening slippers. They can withstand storms, wind, heavy snow and drought. Dad planted Blue Spruces. They are resilient. Marriage takes resilience, too. Image from here.

Yesterday was our 32nd wedding anniversary.

We are older, and it shows. Our lives do not involve plastic surgery or constant workouts. No miracle serums. Our hair is thinner. I have a deep furrow in my brow when I think hard, or care hard, and I do both a lot. 

We don’t have a Nutribullet juicer or a fancy sports car bought at a peak of our lives. This is not Beverly Hills and we are not on our third marriages. 

I recently became the owner of low-prescription glasses for driving at night; they are tucked in the glove compartment. Dan is having some lower back pain. We both seem to be stooping a bit.

But we do still have strong hearts and a commitment to gardening as best we can, putting bulbs in the ground and hoping for beauty, composting old lettuce and fruit peels, making good coffee every morning. And a commitment to being good parents, again, as best we can. We like music, new and old. Tonight, we stole away to dinner at Le Salbuen on Walnut Street in Montclair.

What is that music playing? we asked as we sipped our coffee in modern white cups. Our server, a handsome young man, checked the Chill Radio stream. It was “Sea of Blue,” with beautiful piano notes. We both wrote down the name in the notes sections of our phones. Then we stopped for rations on the way home: four pizza slices for teens, five cans of Fancy Feast for Nina, two low-sugar treats for me since I did not indulge in the chocolate mousse, warm brownie with peanut butter, flan or Nutella croissant. (Dan loved the flan.)

We still write, as we did when we met in our twenties. Then, we had typewriters and Wite-Out at our desks, and now we have slim laptops (though Dan still uses an old Remington for 60-Second Novels).

I looked around at the small tables in the restaurant. We are older now, Dan no longer the young dad, proud he snagged a table on a Saturday night, and I no longer the chic mom in Burberry scarf and strappy black heels. They are the ones who pay a sitter $15 an hour and swoosh out of the house. We feel a little tired walking back to our car.

I feel confident at 62, confident in my style, my colorful life, my laughter, my writing and my hard-won wisdom. Beautiful, even, as I age, in the right light and right pants and especially with a blowout, pedicure and Nars Velvet Matte Lipstick Pencil in Dragon Girl*, which brings out my blue eyes. I can carry myself with goodness and grace. I am happy tonight for my pink cashmere, V-neck tennis sweater, acquired thanks to a $200 gift card won in a shopping night raffle at Stitch years ago. I do not take for granted the riches in my life; the people.

And yet.

It’s too much to keep writing about. I am grateful for our blessings and sorry for our struggles. I pray for both of us to find the strength, wisdom and grace to see them through, clearly and calmly. 

I hope, and I pray. And I try to accept the things I cannot change.

*My dear Figgy introduced me to this product when she did my makeup on Christmas Day in Maine.

Religious Strife

 Letter 3/Dear Skipper: I Say a Little Prayer for You

 TCOY

1. Walked around block with Sug.
2. Talked to Lorraine, my close friend since fifth or sixth grade. 
3. Hot bath with lots of frothy bubbles.
4. Working on essay, hope it gets accepted for published collection.
5. Healthy foods: Veg soup with chicken; cottage cheese with berries and wheat germ; Ezekiel English muffin; banana; Brussels sprouts.

Good night.

Short-Person Challenge

What if someone:

• Gets dropped off to go into weekly 10:15 am CCD* class, a little late, 10:18 am.
• And you trust her to walk in, snug in her nude-pink fuzzy hoodie [the same nude-pink color of the moment that her big sister, Figgy, loves, and in fact, you would like something that color, too]. Her friend is in the car, and you have to drop her at her home after their sleepover and then get to 10:30 Mass yourself. And Fuzzy Hoodie has indeed walked in alone before...
• And then Fuzzy H. climbs back into the car, a back-seat prank, as you round the bend.
• And you laugh a little and then say, Go, you must go to CCD now. You are 3 minutes late. I will be right back to go to Mass. And she walks toward the Catholic school, which is next to the Catholic church. And you drop off the nice friend and go back to church and then Fuzzy joins you near the end of Mass, sitting next to you in the pew, as the CCD kids are allowed to do. They can come over to Mass and join their families when class is over.
• And she begs you to please, please borrow your classic Burberry plaid wool scarf and you finally relent. And she covers her head and hair with it, like a disguise, a babushka. And you know immediately that she has done something wrong at CCD and is trying to hide--from a teacher, a child, someone. And you know that lately, she has been saying, You can't make me go to CCD. I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish. Which of course she is not, but two close friends are, and she even went to Hebrew school with them once.....
• So you say to her after church, before you both go down to coffee hour and the bake sale for Haiti, Tell me what happened. It's not good to keep secrets inside. It will eat up your heart....
• And she tells two fibs before getting to the truth. 1. I pulled the fire alarm. 2. I beat up a boy. and you can tell they are fibs and then, finally, the truth. 3. I didn't go to my class and I walked around inside the school instead, and Mrs. S. [who is the good woman who runs the program] told me I had to go to class and that now every week you have to walk me up to class. And she asked if you were at Mass and I said I didn't know. And I don't want to go downstairs for donuts because Mrs. S. might be there. Please, Alice, I'm scared.
• I'm glad you told me, you say. But I'm disappointed.
• And then indeed Mrs. S. is at donuts & coffee, standing near the bright, Blue's Clues-blue frosted cupcakes on the bake sale table, and you talk about what happened and apologize and she says, What I'm really worried about is her safety. If she really doesn't want to be there, there's no use forcing her and you say, I'm not willing to give up yet. I know she believes in God. I mean I don't understand what the big deal is, why she can't go for one hour a week. And Mrs. S. agrees, One hour. Okay.

Dan and I were/are both very upset and disappointed.

Rough road.

Good night.

*Per Wikipedia: Confraternity of Christian Doctrine (CCD) is an association established in Rome in 1562 for the purpose of giving religious education. Its modern usage is a religious education program of the Roman Catholic Church, normally designed for children. In some parishes, CCD is called PSR, meaning Parish School of Religion.
+I went to Catholic elementary school, where we had religion classes. I went to public high school, so for one or two years of high school? I went to weekly evening CCD. Somebody jokingly called it Coffee Cake & Donuts.

TCOY

1. Warm bath with Dr. Teal's salts.
2. Walked Sug around block; pretty moon.
3. Listening, praying, singing and being present at Mass.
4. Nice long nap, while Dan supervised Punch's involved written science project.
5. Roasted big pan of cauliflower florets.
6. TODAY IS DAY 12 off refined sugar path. When I made the rosemary shortbread, I used very little [3 teaspoons] sugar. That's within my fence, so far at least. When grams of sugar per serving are about 4-8 or less, I generally say OK. I walked today's rough road without nibbling a single chocolate-chip cookie; or donut at coffee hour; or bowl of Ben & Jerry's nondairy ice cream from freezer. This is good. However, I did eat way too many of the Cheetos left from sleepover. Series of unfortunate events.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET

• Kids' church bake sale for Haiti, 1/2 dozen excellent fresh bagels with container of cream cheese; big Granny Smith apple dunked by hand in caramel, chocolate and toppings; and container of tiny chocolate-chip cookies, plus $2 donation, $21. [Sweets went to Punch's room--if she doesn't want, she can throw out.]
• Cornerstone Montclair, $14.90. Punch and I love this store. It's right across from our church and promotes an inclusive community for all.

TOTAL DAILY SPEND: $35.90.

RUNNING TOTAL FOR MONTH AS OF NOV. 10: $580.52.

AVG. DAILY SPEND: $58.05.

COMPARE TO 3 PRIOR MONTHS:

TOTAL SPEND FOR OCTOBER (31 DAYS): $2,495.36.🍎 ⬆️

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $80.49.🍎 ⬆️

_____________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR SEPTEMBER (30 DAYS): $2,214.43.🍎⬇️

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $73.81.🍎⬇️

_______________________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR AUGUST (31 DAYS): $2,895.06. ⬆️

AUGUST AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $93.39.  ⬆️

Prayer Shawls + Blintzes

I went to the Meditation Room downstairs, near the cafe and gift shop, after getting breakfast this morning. I thought it might be like The Chapel at Mountainside Hospital in Montclair. As you looked around the small sanctuary, different religions were represented.

The M. Room, however, was plain, with four rows, each four chairs wide.....a long bench along the window...and several prayer shawls of different patterns. It was simple but stark. It holds the people and the people hold the prayers. Other than the shawls, no tangible symbols of faith...no stained glass, chalice, etc. I sat there alone.

I was grateful for the space. When Figgy was sick in the hospital during high school--New York-Presbyterian in White Plains--I found the beautiful chapel on the ground floor and sank down in sadness and solidarity. You could write your prayers. The ceiling was celestial blue with an exquisite golden moon and stars. I'm going to search my blog now and see if I can find that.

HERE IT IS--WHAT I WROTE ABOUT THAT LOVELY HOSPITAL REFUGE.

I also found the most delicious blintzes in the kosher section of the cafe today. Yum...chilled...with small round button container of sweet strawberry jam. They are made by Fresko [Fresh Kosher]. So tender, filled with farmer cheese, cream cheese,  vanilla. I ate one in the two-pack, which cost $7.70. Will bring other one back to Connecticut and I hope Sis tastes it.

Deposit a foodie anywhere, and she will discover new flavors. Seek and ye shall find.

Don't Step on My New Suede Shoes

$ OUT OF POCKET

• I was an emotional wreck yesterday. Let's chalk it up to attending a deeply spiritual 2-day women's retreat and returning to an imperfect life that calls for me to tap deep into my soul for patience, calm and kindness under some trying circumstances. Today, before I walked to town for work, I received a bday card w generous gift--$25 cash. So on my way to town, I popped into Williams-Sonoma. I'm trying not to buy books, but like many fans, I have almost every one of Ina Garten's. Her new book was there, and the store was offering 20 percent off all purchases. I could have gotten it cheaper on Amazon but it looked so good, I wanted it now. And the card was from a special couple, Mr. & Mrs. C. So..it was $28 instead of $35. A meaningful gift from two people I love. I flipped through and found some healthy [NON DESSERT] recipes already. Add tax, $29.86. 
• Easy come, easy go? I also received a $150 kill fee check in the mail basket. [If you're not a freelance writer, FYI, a kill fee is paid when a publication/website doesn't use your assigned work, for reasons that usually have nothing to do with the merit of your writing. In this case, I was supposed to earn $500 for a website piece--a good rate for a short web piece--but there was some confusion with the assignment, I guess. I've written for them before.] So I decided that I really had been needing a new pair of shoes--both that and a quick fix for a broken spirit. Black suede Brenda Zaro shoes....pumps for my everyday dresses & skirts life....bought at shoe store right across the street from Joyist. Made in Spain, elegant. Ladylike, low-cut. Definitely part of my work uniform/work polish & confidence. Let's call this turning a kill fee into a soul-saving gift. As if. The shoes are not rosary beads or a Bible. But as materialistic as it is, I revisit something I already said another day: Fashion softens my steps in life. $160.
• Joyist for work. Had a free reward on my punch card--got large mushroom/zucchini soup with small pc of flourless zucchini bread. $12 value. Purchased large organic latte and 1 slice avocado toast, $6 and $6. $12.
• Walked to Starbucks once Joyist closed at 5 p.m. Had reward on app, got $6.50 smoked turkey and Swiss protein box w apple and carrots free. 2-pack dark chocolate graham crackers plus $1 tip. $3.40.
• Oooops, almost forgot to report this, coming in under the wire at 9:30 p.m. as I toil at Starbucks, which closes 10 p.m. Many of my years-old tights are getting holy. I ordered a pair of Commando ultimate black opaque tights....they should last for a while and feel good to the touch. I just wish they didn't have such a high shipping rate from Vermont for a single pair of tights. [South Burlington, can't believe it. Next time I visit Meg & Greg, want to check it out. Had no idea.] $36 + $7 shipping. $43.

TOTAL $ OUT OF POCKET: $248.26.

TCOY

1. Prayer. I am finding it very hard to be endlessly patient w Punch, who often says mean and/or hurtful things to me, due to the situation she is in with us as her legal guardians. As in, "I'm not your daughter!", "You're not my mother!" and even "You're not Sugar's mother!" She says that last one when I say something like, "Sug, let Mama take you out." I'm feeling worn down.
2. Washed my face.
3. Good dental care.
4. Hot bubble bath.
5. Healthy grain bread.
6. Healthy food at Joyist.
7. Walk in and out of town, will be 50 minutes round trip.
8. Writing this post, taking a little time to examine my feelings and actions, even though I should be writing, producing the articles my editor needs. Getting back to that stat and lined up Dan to be with Punch so I can work into the night.
9. There's a new co-working space in town. It is $35/day or $139/five-pack for month, etc.. I am in the process of scheduling a complimentary day there. Full coffee menu but also Balthazar pastries, which I know will be hard to resist......