Leaving the Cape Behind Again

The view from the path behind Coast Guard Beach at sunset Friday.

Old Coast Guard Station.

Dan on the bridge we love, which spans the marsh and meadow.

    

Don't look too close at these almost oldies.

Three nights/four days with Dan—in a motel near our (former) family house. We filled our hearts and souls with all the Cape we could fit. We rode the bike trail two days. Lapped up soft-serve vanilla with the best chocolate dip once (Hot Chocolate Sparrow). Early Bird Walk at Wellfleet Audubon. Sweet, tender lobster. Great Pond. Reading books. Naps.

Breathing deep. Feeling our age but also feeling the breeze. I see those two new parents biking over this bridge (pictured above) near sunset with a little red-haired girl on the tandem behind her Dad. Our knees weren’t stiff, and I was much slimmer, wearing a Gap khaki skort. Gray hair? No way. Later, I glimpse those same parents, tired but determined, with a younger, brunette girl who refuses to pose on the bridge for a photo except when making a face and wearing a red devil hairband. But her hair is streaked gold, proof of playful moments in the sun.

Oldness was not yet creeping in, or forgetfulness. And now we leave, but we shall return.

I’m posting this from the Amtrak waiting area in South Station, Boston. Beautiful train station. 

"Mother Mary Comes to Me"

I've heard for decades about "Our Lady of Fátima," but didn't register the location (Portugal) or the full story. It was reported in 1917 that Our Lady appeared to three shepherd children. Two died in the 1918 flu epidemic. One girl became a nun and lived to age 97. Image from HERE.

Paul McCartney and John Lennon wrote these lyrics (song released in 1970). Such gifted men, makers of beautiful art that touches the heart and soul. Look how deep their gifts were; look what they left the world. This morning I asked the Google speaker to play "Let It Be." Listening helped me through brushing my teeth, wriggling into my blue denim skirt, pouring coffee, getting by. Google played a lovely instrumental version, I think by Lemon Tart, great name. I have to get to work now at my desk. Here is another post, "Hail Marys on the #66 Bus." That was about young Figgy, but today my Hail Marys are for Spice. I decided to stop using the name Spice/Spike because that's not very kind.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be, be

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shinin' until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Paul Mccartney / John Lennon

Let It Be lyrics © Sony/atv Tunes Llc

Bees Sting, Owls Watch

Moey has three younger brothers, and this photo is by Ryan Cassidy, the son of her baby bro, Jimmy, born when we were in fourth grade. I hadn't seen Ryan in a while but last night, he showed us some photos on Moey and Ted's deck. He is gifted. It takes a close, patient and quiet eye to capture nature like this. LMK if you need a wildlife image. I will send you Ryan's contact info. Photo copyright Ryan Cassidy.

Summer stung like a bumblebee this year in many ways. But the details are too personal to publish. 

Still, pollinators are good, so maybe this sting can turn out to help our family somehow grow and reseed. IDK. Take the stinger out, follow a winding path to eventual flowers or dripping golden honey?

It takes great effort to step back and accept. Risky behaviors, unsafe choices. I hope and pray, but that only goes so far for me. It doesn't give me endless serenity and trust. I can't change the past--not my own flawed behaviors and certainly not the teenager's early god-given road.

So what can I do? I can apply salve (I took a bath with a luscious Dolly Moo bamboo & blue tansy bath bomb today, smells so good and clean and the color is so pretty). Even combed on a little black mascara, swiped on Prada lipstick, dipped into Bobbi Brown beachy nude cream eye shadow. I can take a peaceful nap. I can continue to love even when I do not want to, or think I possibly can. I can follow a code of tolerance and love. 

I can judge and criticize less.

Yesterday was Moey's bday. Dan and I went over to the deck for thin crust pizza, vegs and dip, chilled shrimp and to sing happy birthday. Her parents are 87 and 86 (ck); I can't believe it. When they had Moey 63 years ago, Mr. C. was 24 and Mrs. C. was 23. Ted was there (Moey's husband), their fun, smart son, Kevin, and Ryan Cassidy, their nephew. He is into wildlife photography. Look at that amazing photo above!

Well, I might watch another episode of "Emily in Paris" on my laptop now.

Good night.

I enjoyed Friday night with Figgy. I wish I had a good Spice photo 

but she won't take pictures with us too often lately. I sunk pretty Papyrus unicorn bday candles into this vegan Jeni's Lemon Bar ice cream for Figgy. I wish they had sugar-free, for me. (The website says $12 but I found it at Wegmans on sale for $6.99.)

7 Dating & Sex Trends I Don't Fully Understand

Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw in "Love Story," the 1970 blockbuster. Image from Lolo Loves Films blog. Thanks, Lolo. (The movie site is run by two married critics who write about new Hollywood releases and classic cinema.) My parents wouldn't have endorsed the "premarital sex" 54 years ago--but even the wording now seems archaic. In 2024, this plot is acceptable to me. It is a love story.

I know, times change, and the young among us help the older face new realities and codes. 

When I was a teenager in 1975, and Title IX opened the door for girls like me to run on previously boys-only high school athletic teams, such as cross-country and spring track, my mother, born in New York City in 1924, expressed discomfort and disapproval.  

"You're running around in your underwear," she said. And we did run around the school track, and around town for practice, in our 1970s shorts.

My mother also protested when I got my ears pierced ("I'm not helping you turn the posts," she said, and she didn't) and when I walked to a beauty salon in Bergenfield to get my thick eyebrows tweezed and my long hair shaped into a more modern angled cut. I guess she did not want me to grow up, or was uncomfortable with a perceived sexual awakening (but trust me, I was pretty repressed, though had a few boyfriends).

Without acknowledging that any of the things I'm about to list have anything to do with the young people in my immediate circle, or in my sight line, I don't fully comprehend these seven social mores of 2024:

1. Having sex with people with whom you are not in a committed relationship.
2. Having sex with someone the first time you meet them.
3. Having phone sex with someone you never met, except on the internet.
4. Having unprotected sex.
5. Having an open relationship in which both partners "can" have sex with other people. 
6. Trying to get pregnant, or being open to the possibility, with the goal of trapping a man. Or vice versa, with the man wanting a pregnancy to trap a woman.
7. Not realizing that when you are under the influence of a substance, you might make dumb or dangerous mistakes and not think clearly--such as having sex with someone you didn't intend to have sex with.

As I said, I was and regrettably still am repressed in some ways. If you've been my friend a while, you know that. Mothering two young women, I am trying to understand. And this list does not even address gender and sexual fluidity, which also confuses me sometimes. I support the rights of people to be who they think they are meant to be and choose to be and yet when it comes right down to it, if it is, was or were in my family, I am still confused. Please forgive me, I do not mean to be offensive.

And #1--I know people do that. And I guess if I were not in a marriage/committed relationship, and one didn't seem to be waiting around the corner, then I might want to do that, too. With protection. Not sure. And #2--I happen to know at least two mostly happy couples (one long-married, one younger) who did that. It does mystify me. I think having sex is a big deal and too big a deal for the first time you meet. I think it leaves you vulnerable and that you gave away too much too soon. But maybe just for high school or college people? I don't know.

And: I know it's sexist, but IDK if I would have the same worries about 1, 2 and 3 for a young man as I would for a young woman.....so is it about protecting a woman's virtue, or heart? Thinking she will lose too much and not recover? That she will pine after someone? Or is it a glaring double standard? 

Please LMK what you think. I do not intend to be judgy, just kind of struggling to understand and accept. Thank you.

Sad + Scared

These fragile, pale pink roses return every year, 

on branches that weather the grip of winter frost.

The rosebush, a gift from my Girl Scout troop in 2007, 

has thorns but produces delicate buds that seek the sun and unfurl. 

(Dan puts fencing around our 

flower and veggie gardens because deer ravage them.)

Do I need fencing around my garden of life? Yes. 

I try every day to keep healthy boundaries in the face of mental health issues in my home. Many mornings, I wake up feeling scared and sad. I'm working on that with my DBT-trained therapist. Day by day, I try to remember I can protect and distance myself in a calm and mindful way. I am separate from the person with the mental health trauma and from the trauma itself. I do not own it, cannot fix it, though we keep hoping we can, trying many supports and interventions.

I try to practice "radical acceptance," a DBT term.

I prayed today, and sobbed at the kitchen table. (Awkwardly, my cell phone pocket-dialed a Montclair friend, and IDK if my sobbing and praying aloud was recorded.) I felt alone. Fearful. I saw signs today of seriously unhealthy and unsafe interpersonal behaviors, and I am shaken. They are ways NOT to cope with life, with fear, anger, abandonment or love. I did lift myself up off the couch and walk around the block, though my heart was in my sneakers. I picked up a plastic water bottle and glass Starbucks bottle along the way, to recycle. 

How to face the wrath of these dangerous thorns on someone's branches? These things can jab and stab, stopping us from reaching and enjoying the gift of flowers, the blooms that other parents may take for granted. Maybe they see roses, a flush of youth in their daughters' cheeks instead of too much drugstore blush and the rise of fury.

Diseases and fungus can prevent the rosebush itself from blooming. The leaves might get spotted and lacy, from mites or another illness, things that consume its beauty. The rosebush might die. We plant it in the sun, water when needed, fertilize sometimes and try our best to protect it from pests, but in the end, a rosebush is a present on loan from the lords of nature and life and we may not be able to save it. Radical acceptance.

***

Dan is supposed to drive me in two hours, at 7 p.m., to Sis's in Connecticut so she and I can leave in the morning for a long-planned trip to the Cape with friends Meg and Greg from Vermont. 

But I am worried. All the worry in the world won't change a thing, my mother used to say. I guess I was a worrier as a young woman, since she left us for the heavens when I was 20.

I need to take a shower and shampoo my hair. I have to gather up the bath towels and sheets for the Cape house. I look upset, and I am.

To the one who watches from above, to God, or the goddess of the stars, or the power and beauty of the sea, or the fairies who fly over flowers, please, show me the next right thing to do. This pain is raw and deep. I am one person, and I try very hard.

I have to get in the shower now. I pray I won't get overwhelmed with worry. I will pray and I will trust.

Thank you for listening.

I wanted to write a post about my four-day solo visit to Florida to see our Figgy last Saturday through Tuesday, but I didn't get around to it. Here is a photo of us from Monday 

at a beach on Amelia Island. It was a lovely time 

to bond and immerse ourselves in birdwatching and nature.

Figgy Pudding Update

Florida Figgy in the top she crocheted.

Our daughter Figgy texted me this photo today. She has been crocheting a lot lately. For Christmas, she made Sis and Dan beautiful scarves. She crocheted pretty hats for me and Punch and a scarf for one close friend, a hat for another. With Punchy’s birthday gift last week, she enclosed a little box of tiny, fluffy yellow Easter chicks from Michaels for the whole family. She had crocheted mini hats for two of them! Haha so cute. Every time I see them, I smile.

I like to stand back and see Figgy blossom more and more and more. As parents, that is what we hope for but often, we (I) must wait. A tightly wound rosebud does not unfurl to full beauty in a day. And I imagine that throughout the arc of our children’s (young or adult) lives, we will have times of witnessing and times of waiting. Figgy is blooming not only as a biologist/scientist and avid bird watcher/nature lover but also as a friend, crafter, gardener, reader, cook. 

For the last two Christmases, she wanted stickers from Pipsticks, which has an amazing collection (including puffy stickers). For Christmas 2022, Santa came through. Fig loves sending stickered snail mail and whimsical homemade cards from her Florida nest. I think crafting is a healthy outlet for her, a stress coping skill. God bless Figgy Hurley as she makes her way through life.

Good night.

#2 Petite Knock Out Roses: A Letter to My Daughters

 Petite Knock Out* image from here. Tiny but tough in the pursuit of beauty.

Dreamy Apricot Drift** roses. On my garden bucket list. And I like the word “drift,” since many of us drift on our journeys.

Dear Carlie and Punch,

It’s been a while since I’ve written you two a letter together. 

I've switched to the blog name Carlie from Figgy. The names evolve as the daughters do. Carlie is one of my top real-life pet names for you, my first baby girl, the once rumpled redhead with the raspy voice and mirthful spirit. (Your middle name is Caroline. So, Carlie.) 

And Punch--well, I was calling you Skipper/Skippy in stories for a while but times are tough for you and I am going back to Punch because you, like a Petite Knock Out* Rose, have to somehow summon up the power to knock out beauty, to bloom through extreme weather, in the face of pests, thorns and nursery diseases* that can kill you, eat away your leaves in a lacy pattern. For now, rather than Skipper (Barbie’s sporty little sister, in a red swimsuit), Punch it is.

We are all only human. We can only do our best with the life unfurling before us, with the tightly wrapped rosebud we are given at birth.

I cannot go into details in this public space. But I can speak softly, and toughly, of a mother’s love. Carlie, so proud of you down on the Florida coast, researching algae and cyanobacteria in a master’s program. So happy for your passions and joys, your brain, your beauty, those sky-blue eyes from my Irish grandfather, your gardening and friendships, your love and kindness as you navigate life’s road as a confident young woman.

Punch, so concerned for you at age 15.  As you know, Carlie had some rough, churning seas in high school, too. I guess a lot of teenagers do. Oh, you have beauty and brains aplenty --that shiny hair, the green eyes, the way you captivate people, your smart mind, capable skills--but you have much to face and much to work through. I love you, we love you, so much. Mr. Danay, Carlie, me and Nina, the sweet kitten you chose--your nuclear family. 

This is just a letter to say how much I love you both at this juncture on life’s path.

Love always, Mima (to Carlie)/Alice (to Punch).

__________________________________________________________________________

*Petite Knock Out® is the first-ever, miniature Knock Out® Rose, offering more versatility than any other member in The Family! This small plant makes a big impact with fire-engine-red blooms and flower power, easy care, and disease resistance true of Knock Out® Roses. Plant in containers or in the garden for season-long blooms. Available at select garden retailers.  

**Double apricot coloured flowers begin flowering in spring and display a season-long show of colour. It is just as tough and disease resistant as others in the Drift® series.

Another Letter to My Daughters here (from five years and two months ago). 

Sit Still & Write: Maine Memories

I wrote this after Maine trip (we returned July 31). Clicking “publish" now. A busy summer.

Skipper and me at Sand Beach in Acadia National Park, Saturday, 7.30.22. We zipped in and out for a couple hours. It was a 1.5 hour ride each way and a $30 entrance fee but worth every penny to show her the marvels of Thunder Hole and Sand Beach. Next time, we will explore more. (Figgy had already flown back to Florida after two weeks in Montclair and Maine.)

Mima (nickname), age 61, with Figgy, 26, and Skippy, 15, at the wedding of their cousin Chris to Marie-Camille in Belfast, Maine, Saturday, 7.23.22.

Beautiful ladies in blue. My sister-in-law Martha, Figgy, Skipper and Angel.

With Dan at McLoon’s Lobster Shack in Spruce Head, Maine. Excellent lobster roll with a heap of tender ocean riches, and the setting was a tonic.  

Still sliding today in anxiety and worry....which of course does nothing to move life’s compass in the right direction (toward calm and acceptance)...though Skipper and I are doing a DBT (hands-on therapy skills) program for mothers and daughters...all adolescent teen girls....the girls are in one room with a therapist covering the same material we cover with a therapist in our room. I have heard about DBT’s value for years and grateful we are doing it. It is a course of about six months, in person, two nights a week for 1.5 hours each time.

I think it is helping and will help.

Steps

Above: "Chatting on the Steps," New York Public Library. LINK here. Photo by xpressbus (xpressbusny@yahoo.com).

My husband, Dan, in yellow, writing by the library steps late last April. Skippy and I drove in with him and are somewhere in the vicinity. :)  https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/nyregion/dan-hurley-60-second-novels-covid.html?searchResultPosition=1 Photo by Simbarashe Cha for The New York Times.*

Below, positive steps I took today toward writing my way out of a corner. The first step is getting out of one’s pajamas, made easier today since I slipped in the mud bringing out the compost and my red plaid flannel PJs took the fall. Maybe we mince our steps, or drag them. Maybe we shuffle, but at least we are moving in a direction, covering ground.

1. Ate healthfully.

2. Showered with my friend Aveeno.

3. Filled in brows with brow pencil (a Christmas gift from Skipper, who knew just the right color); combed on mascara.

4.  Slipped into my lavender wool coat, knotted my Burberry scarf at my neck and walked around the block at about 4:30 p.m. I stopped to gaze at the brook on Patton Place--the way the water moves over the rocks, and follows a course..On the way back, I saw a family of kids I like--playing ice hockey on their icy black-top driveway. I walked over to the gate and said hello.

5. Showed up at desk.

6. Made blue cornmeal grits to add a little comfort and zing to dinner, tho Dan would not touch with a 10-foot pole and Skip was at her friend’s.

7. Went on virtual support group (Zoom). #luckyseven

Good night.

P.S. I’m rereading this Wednesday morning. The phone conversation with Figgy from her perch in Florida. How could I forget to list that? That was a big step. We talked for a long time and arrived at some important places. That is not small potatoes.

*That is my Dan’s Superman persona, if you will. Or is Clark Kent? It’s not the way I see and love him in our  life--in plaid shirts and blue Levi’s, clipping NY Times stories he knows I will love. Also, he has a beard in this photo (not now).

Back from Beach Trip Since Sunday Night and--

• COVID tests for Skippy and me, after Florida. We got rapid tests (negative) and the longer test (results will be emailed).
• Moving stuff from Fig’s attic apartment--things that wouldn’t fit in our rented SUV, including a small rolling/folding typewriter table from Good Housekeeping. Right out of “Mad Men."
• Whole Foods run for under $50, including a carton of plump fresh figs, which Skipper eats like candy.
• Birthday calls to our dear Figgy in Florida.
• Car maintenance by amazing Jason. We were overdue for an oil change--overdue by 2,000 miles. That is on the car we own. The car we rented was a dream--sleek black Ford SUV. I loved the hands-free phone calls, the navigation tools and listening to our Spotify playlists when Figgy and I plugged in our iPhones (for Fig, Radio Lab podcast; for me, music by The Divine Comedy; and Skippy’s favorites, meaning Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, Lana Del Rey). Our music tastes overlap with Billy Joel and “Daughter,” that better/best/ultimate song by Arlo? Guthrie.
• Starbucks cold brew (across from Jason’s garage) while we waited for car.
• Erratic eating. Need to get back on even keel. It was challenging to be in the condo with three young women and too many treats, including cassava chips, dark chocolate keto pb cups, gluten-free cookies, pizza, vegan bday cupcakes, etc.  Minefields. But there were healthy foods too: oatmeal, berries, cold brew, organic milk, whole-grain bread, freshly ground almond butter and more. And then the four days of driving were rocky, too--I packed and planned good choices but fellow travelers favoured visually triggering hush puppies, vegan chocolate chip cookies and the like.

I’m tired. 

Good night. 

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

IDK how many there really were, but a lot, plus bottles of wine that generous Sis ordered and had shipped here. (She arrived with friendly Buttercup doggy and three homemade vegan desserts.) 

Figgy’s friends and lab colleagues celebrated her moving to Florida for her master’s. We worked hard to set things up in our backyard. Dan grew grass from seed on a big bald patch; he rented tables and pink umbrellas; and ran all over creation to fix things. Friends like Charlotte (since kindergarten); Maggie (sleepaway camp); Zoey (age 14); Austin, Nick, Caroline (high school); and Gaby and Clara (college). Figgy looked beautiful in an ice-blue dress.

That was yesterday and today, Dan and I drove to Brooklyn for beloved Kim’s bday. 

Tired. Good night.

Pray to God, Row to Shore

I think that pray/row title is a Yiddish saying? My dear friend recently shared it with me.

Still seeking help. Still needing it big-time for Punch.

She will go to Mimi's for a few nights on Sunday,and I will drive to Sis's in CT for a day or two, to get a break and change of scenery, by the water.

My Uncle Jackie, the middle of my Mom's three younger brothers, turns 90 tomorrow and has pancreatic cancer. His daughter, my cousin Loretta, just called to tell me today and I spoke to him in hospice at home. I would like to drive and visit him on Long Island but I will see what my cousins say. I love my Uncle Jackie. Always upbeat, smart, witty. Also a treasured thread to my mother and their young lives.

Our problems stand small in the looming shadow of the white police officer causing the death this week of a black man, George Lloyd, in Minneapolis. Unrest, protests, marchers in masks, since we are in the midst of a pandemic. Police car set on fire. Something has to change. #Blacklivesmatter #Alllivesmatter

Good night.

TCOY

1. Picked up Andre Leon Talley's book The Chiffon Trenches at Watchung Booksellers [back-door pickup]. I love his fashion writing and his history. Can't wait to read. Once sent him a fan letter and he wrote back! Hope to start reading it now.
2. Supportive phone calls.
3. Burning pretty Sweet Laurel candle from California.
4. Ate some tomato and 5 big blackberries.

Will add up money tomorrow.

today Thai food pickup, with $10 tip, $61. 

toni's kitchen donation the other day, $20.

lip salve, $5.

Instacart Thursday, $31.

CVS Thursday, $31?

Mothers & Daughters--What's in a Name?

Jacqueline and Caroline. Their names go together.

Image from:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCbuJG01III8i8ukNM2FdTLa0C7j7q1ABmd_hkUFFmQr2E1e0xrBQaTF00_J0FvXgML1LQEFv3r2jvoEw9veho7TgC_zBMLXdqykKoaRyoP3n-cfO-nNMfM_UpdKWcRdpYA61PJfAFbKi3/s1600/Jackie-and-Caroline-Kennedy.jpg
https://www.rolexmagazine.com/2011/11/caroline-kennedy-rolex-two-tone.html

I was mulling over names in bed last night, especially the ones we give our daughters. These tags are a lifelong gift--or, maybe, in some cases, a hated curse. But I do believe we live up to our names.

It took me a while to own my name, Alice--but now I embrace it.

I toyed with giving Figgy a flower name, like Rose or Iris, but Dan was all for naming her after my mother, since he knew how much I missed her. I loved that idea, too.

I hadn't thought about the pattern, but Figgy recently pointed it out to me. My grandmother, Alice, named her daughter Anne. Then my mother, Anne, named her daughter Alice. Then I named my daughter Anne. So Figgy pointed out that she would consider naming a girl Alice to follow the pattern. [WOW!]

Just because it feels good, and like a connection to honor in these uncertain times, here is a list of some of my friends, cousins, nieces, sisters-in-law and even famous people, like Caroline Kennedy or Dylan Lauren of Dylan's Candy Bar [daughter of Ralph Lauren] and their mothers' names. I have usually listed the eldest daughter. For example, my Aunt Gloria has three girls, and Maria is the firstborn.

I had Punchy and her birth mom on here, but P. asked me to remove them when I ran it by her.

Please tell me some pairs I missed! Sorry I can't get 2nd column to line up here.

DAUGHTER                  MOTHER 

1. MaryAnne [Sis]      Anne
2. Anne                       Alice
3. Muriel                     Harriet [Hattie]
4. Maureen [Moey]     Muriel
5. Laura                       Maureen [Moey]
6. Susan [Fritch]          Helen
7. Lorraine                   Gilda
8. Lauren                      Lorraine
9. Adrienne                  Rosemary
10. Irene                        Maria
11. Anne                        Hope
12. Emily                       Anne
13. Hope                        Mary Lea
14. Meggy                      Joan
15. Sugar [doggy]          Delilah
16. Madonna/Candy      Pat
17. Elisabeth                  Madonna/Candy
18. Linda                        Edith
19. Lori                          Linda
20. Andrea                     Judi
21. Maria                       Gloria
22. Theresa                    Mary
23. Veronica                   Peggy
24. Kim                          Doris
25. Yasmine                   Kim
26. Amelia                     Ali
27. Liz                           Mum [LOL, what is Mum's name, Liz?
28. Lionna                     Liz
29. Nan                          Marilyn
30. Clara                        Mary
31. Celia                        Debby
32. Meg                         Sally
33. Rosemary                Rose
34. Caroline                   Jacqueline
35. Rose                        Caroline
36. Lynda Bird              Lady Bird
37. Tricia                       Pat
38. Susan                       Betty
39. Chelsea                    Hillary
40. Malia                       Michelle
41. Jane                          Judge Ruth
42. Ivanka                      Ivana
43. Amelia                     Elizabeth
44. Chloe                       Candice
45. Liza                          Judy
46. Sheila                       Roseann
47. Amy                         Judy
48. Amy                         Natalie
49. Susan                        Alice
50. Patricia                     Dawn
51. Dawn                        Shirley
52. Catherine                  Patricia
53. Heather                     Catherine
54. Nancy                       Rita
55. Gwen                        Nancy
56. Elly                           Ann
57. Eileen                        Patricia
58. Mary                         Agnes
59. Eileen                        Mary
60. Izzy                           Eileen
61. Donna                       Anita
62. Mariah                      Donna
63. Aubrey                      Beth
64. Leah                          Jerri
65. Julie                           Ina
66. Sophie                       Julie
67. Barbara                      Evelyn
68. Marlene                     Rose
69. Maria                         Inez
70. Claire                        Catherine
71. Catherine                  Claire
72. Elizabeth                   Rachael
73. Devon                       Angela
74. Lilith                         Jessi
75. Vaurie                        Sianne
76. Sianne                        Lynn (sp)
77. Julia                           Doreen
78. Brynn                        Courtney
79. Taylor                        Christina
80. Patricia                      Judi
81. Anna                         Gail
82. Lisa                           Judy
83. Caroline                    Mary
84. Caroline                    Cathy (sp)
85. Alexandra                 Lydia
86. Amalia                      Obie
87. Georgia                     Jean
88. Mary                         Mary
89. Catherine                  Beth
90. Heather                     Catherine
91. Freya                        Natalie
92. Susan                        Vera
93. Maddy                      Patsy
94. Lisa                          Cheryl
95. Kathy                        Joan
96. Kathleen                   Ronnie
97. Ariana                       Julie
98. Ruby                         Angel
99. Judy                          Patricia
100. Julie Anne (sp?)        Judy
101. Luisa                         Kate
102. Dylan                        Ricky
103. Ella                           Paige
104. Dylan                        Jenn (sp)
105. Anne                         Mary
106. Apple                        Gwyneth
107. Luci                           Lucy
108. Mary Jane                 Jo
109. Marissa                     Mary Jane
110. Claire                        Rosie
111. Eileen.                      Nora
112. Nora                          Eileen
113. Edith                         Caroline
114. Michelle (sp)            Marilyn
115. Nicole                       Diana
116. Olivia                        Beverly
117. Maggie                      Carol
118. Debbie                      Virginia
119. Elizabeth                   Eleanor
120. Julie                           Elaine
121. Michelle                    Margaret
122. Tammy                      Beverlie
123. Brenda                       Carol
124. Ella                            Marilynn
125. Alice                         Sheila
126. Elliot                         Sasha
127. Sonia                         Anne
128. Sarah                         Edie

13th Birthday Letter to Punchy

Figgy loved this movie, and so do you. We all do.
It is soooo great.

Dear Punchy,

Yesterday was your 13th birthday--Wednesday, March 11, 2020.

Dan and I heard you say "Best birthday ever."

Really, what could be better than the promise of a puppy? We hope to get one by May 15. You have been begging us for years and years. You spent $50 plus of your Christmas money ordering a dog bed, food and water bowls, etc. You asked for Petco gift cards for your bday, and Dan and I got you a $25 one; Figgy got you a $50 one! [BTW, Figgy is hardworking and dotes on you. She also got you a beautiful card and wrote a long, beautiful message about the teen years--and a black Adidas dress and a $15 Starbucks card.]

Our funds are tight right now, but we bought a bouquet of puppy balloons from Jonathan on Bellevue Avenue and spent a lot of money on groceries for your dinner/cakes last night. Around the table: Dan, Figgy, me, you, Michael and Nikki Mernin, Auntie and your dear friends, the twins Vaurie and Finn.

This is sixth grade, your first year of middle school.

We are growing closer, you and me. I am happy for that. I still remember when you arrived here at our house at four weeks old. It was nighttime. The state worker bringing you was delayed. You were wearing a lavender fleece zip-up baby sack. You smelled good. I thought, "Wow, I can tell this baby was loved at the hospital." Since you were there for almost a month, I imagined nurses reading and singing to you, loving you.

Of course, I'm sure your mom and your grandfather were loving you, too.

I know you have suffered much pain and loss in your life. You were 15 months old when the state reunited you with your birth family. Too young to verbalize it, not too young to cry and roar during the transition times....first, you spent an afternoon unsupervised with your mom, then an overnight, then a weekend. When you came back from the weekend and I had to put you back in your car seat and drive you to day care in Clifton, where the women were lovely and adored you, so I could go to work in New York City--you cried your heart out. Your baby self could tell your routine was changing. 

When you came back from that first weekend away from us, I went through the overnight bag like a detective. Please understand, my goal was always your safety. I was never out to undermine anyone. I  found bus tickets. Your mom had taken you on a bus to see other members of your family in South Jersey. I think she took the bus to Atlantic City. I think you and she visited your dad and probably Pop Pop JR and your young aunts, Gabby and Alyssa.

But back to yesterday. I got you tiramisu from Cafe Giotto on Church Street in Montclair. You love their tiramisu! I picked up four squares and put them on that pretty aqua cake platter you helped Dan pick out at Little Daisy Bake Shop for my birthday one year.

I also made a good vegan chocolate cake with bittersweet ganache, so Figgy could partake.

I gave her $30 so she could drive you to your favorite restaurant, SLA Thai, and get a couple of dishes to share. You also stopped at Starbucks and got a free iced coffee drink for your birthday. Auntie brought roasted broccoli--and her adorable doggy, Buttercup. I made salmon and a panful of crispy, pan-browned baby yellow potatoes. [I steamed them first, which I learned in one of my first cookbooks--a Martha Stewart bought in Cape May when Dan and I were still dating.] We sliced a prepared roasted chicken.

Well, I have to go get dressed. It was my turn to rise at 6 today to get you up and the Ramiccio Cup Championship event is happening at school today. I volunteered to go in and help with three other parents. I also signed up to bring fruit. I'm piling two platters with strawberries. The World Health Organization yesterday categorized the corona virus as a pandemic. We will be wearing gloves to serve the food. Montclair Public Schools are closed tomorrow, so staff can plot/plan in the event that they have to teach remotely. The possibility of no school for weeks? Oy vey.

Dan has jury duty in Newark, so he has the car. I will walk to town and then take an Uber to Glenfield Middle School. I'm supposed to help at the party from 10:30 to 12:30 with other moms. Oops, you would quickly say "You're not my mom." Correct.

That's the price we pay for not being able to adopt you, since your mom retained maternal rights. And she also called up soon after you landed back here at age 6 1/2 to tell you she did not want you calling us Dad and Mom. You had asked if it was okay.

One day, sweet Punchy, I hope you will know in your heart--and maybe you already do--that I have loved you like a mother, like a good, true mother. That Dan has been a dad to you. My eyes welled up with tears when I wrote that.

Punch, you have a good heart. I love the way you love animals and care deeply about people. 

Some details:

• You have beautiful green eyes and great hair.
• You adore our doggy, Sugar.
• You love mangos and fresh figs.
• You despise math. Dan found an excellent tutor, Layla, from the Key Club at Montclair High School. She comes every Tuesday for one hour. The geometry chapter seems better.
• You need to do more Spanish homework, according to Señora Rolandelli.
• You are crazy about Starbucks.
• Your closest friends include Vaurie, Finn, Lilith, Magnus, Kiki--and of course, Nikki.
• You like to ride Fig's skateboard. I always hound you to put your helmet on. Our block is a big downhill!
• You remind us so much of your Mimi--your stance, your mannerisms, the way you talk, the way your organize your desk neatly, as she must, as a middle school principal in Vineland, NJ. The way you hold a spatula and cook at the stove. You look just like her. Pop Pop JR and Poppy both have told me that you look a lot like your mother, too.
• You, Dan and I had so much fun on Cape Cod last weekend. We hoisted you up an old abandoned apple tree so you could clip branches and Dan can try to graft them to our existing apple tree. We were laughing.
• You also got lost on a nature path in that Fort Hill area. Thank goodness you saw a woman, Margaret, outside on Hemenway Road and she let you use her phone. Dan and I drove right over.
• Despite math, you like school. A lot.

I better get going, Punchy. As you know, I have a tendency to run late.

Happy birthday. Godspeed, God bless. May you live a long, happy, healthy life to 100 years old, dear Punchy. May you remember in your heart and soul and mind that though we are not your birth family, we love you fiercely and care deeply. May the love and loyalty we have shown see you through life's ups and downs. May the teen years go gently. I'm crying again.

Love always,

Ali/Alice 

P.S. Don't do drugs. Just say no. I also recommend avoiding alcohol and sex until you are much older. Addiction is real, and takes hold like a tiger's teeth--and broken hearts are hella painful. Being intimate with someone when you are young will not guarantee that you stay together. Also, remember to be kind and think of others. Repeat after me. I am Alexa Marquez, and I am a good, true person.

TCOY

1. Walked Sug around block.
2. Planted Tiny Dancer daffodil plant, which should return in years to come.
3. Bought tulips on sale, one bunch for us, one for Auntie to take home.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET

• ShopRite, very big bill, including your fancy Papyrus bday card, $8.95, yikes; birthday candles; 2 Lindt bittersweet chocolate bars for ganache; cash back of $30, to buy the Thai food; $25 Petco gift card; Lysol spray [there's a run on disinfectants and Purell with this corona virus]; pure maple syrup for the chocolate cake, $7.99; 2 pints raspberries for family; 5 quarts strawberries to bring to school party, $12.50 [great sale]; 6-pack Blue Moon Ale; 2 pieces stuffed salmon; gallon organic whole milk; fresh figs, $7.98; and Grape-Nuts, bananas, raisins, dried figs, many cheeses for party, Stacy's pita chips [your request], 2 jars berry preserves, a plump roasted chicken, waxed paper and more, $250.78.

total daily spend: $250.78.

ongoing monthly spend as of March 11: $985.88.

avg daily spend: $89.63.

Monday, Monday

RANDOM PHOTOS OF SUGAR AND FIGGY FROM DAN'S COMPUTER. SUG IS 15 NOW!

Fig and Sug in 2017.

Neighbor Kiana (left) and Figgy up on Cape Cod in the snow with
 their matching snowy white dogs years ago.

Punch and I have been saying Hey Google, play John Lennon to our kitchen speaker yesterday and today in honor of John's December 8 death. Love his songs. Such a tragic ending.

A lot left to do on this busy Monday at home, so just a short post. Still want to Woolite [new verb] my tights for work.

TCOY

1. Caught up with Rach for coffee and steamed milk.
2. Private Benjamin appt. 
3. Doctor checkup, including routine bloodwork and urine sample.
4. Finally mailed Patsy's bday gift [early November]...on its way via slow mule  to Colorado now.....seems that way....
5. Started Christmas list, will retool it now.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET [and this doesn't count cost for therapy/"Private Benjamin" and specialist co-pay at doctor]

• Whole Foods, two fresh green holiday plant gifts to deliver, 1 lb. smoked salmon, bag of organic lemons, bag of Haas avocados, wedge of expensive cheese, 4 yogurts in little jars, large container mixed marinated olives from olive bar, $75.95.
• U.S. Post Office, padded mailing envelope and postage to mail bday gift to Pats, $15.69.
• CVS, 2 holiday gifts [buy one, get second half off, something Punch loves], large bag shelled pistachios on sale, $17.02.
• Bank fees, $6.10.
• Montclair parking meter, 35 cents.
• Grove Deli, lunch, 50-cent bag chips and 3 special gifts for my sibs [imported from Italy], plus $1 tip, $31.66. It's a treat our grandma Rosie brought us when we were children.
• 2 small dark chocolates, $1.26.

Money spent out of pocket: $148.03.

Ongoing monthly spend as of Dec. 9: $1,789.18.

Avg daily spend: $198.80. I am off to fine-tune my Christmas list.

_____________________________________________________

COMPARE TO 4 PRIOR MONTHS:

Total spend for November (30 days): $2,979.03. ⬆️

Average daily spend: $99.30. ⬆️

__________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR OCTOBER (31 DAYS): $2,495.36.🍎 ⬆️

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $80.49.🍎 ⬆️

_____________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR SEPTEMBER (30 DAYS): $2,214.43.🍎⬇️

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $73.81.🍎⬇️

___________________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR AUGUST (31 DAYS): $2,895.06. ⬆️

AUGUST AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $93.39.  ⬆️