Break on Through to the Other Side

Thanks for being there, and caring enough to read this. YOU top my gratitude list. Here is the rest for today:

• Faced the ugliness of being a sugar addict. It's dark and scary, but I trust that knowing the truth will ultimately be freeing and beautiful. You have to realize you're sinking in quicksand so you can pull yourself the hell out before it's too late, right? I got home from support group and from yoga class--two very good things, and I'd even stared down a positively dreamy cream-filled donut at Gina's Bakery on Walnut Street--to find Punch missing. H. was in charge and she wandered off. He said it was only four minutes ago that she had left the front door [he was fixing the refrigerator] but we checked every backyard and couldn't find her: Jean's, Rowan's, Sally's, Patsy's....and Amy's, Paige's and Angelo's front lawns. We checked the ravine. Four minutes had ticked into 20. We started to panic. None of the kids were around. And what does an addict do when faced with bracing fear? She gropes for the missing girl's Halloween sack. For the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I tell you, my hands were shaking as I stood at the dining room table pawing through the bag like a madwoman. Probably also because it was almost 2 o'clock and all I'd had was a piece of toast with PB at 9:30, a lot of ice water and some almonds at 1:30. It was time to feed me. I had a Lean Cuisine I had planned to zap. I felt like a frenzied chain smoker, lighting up. I couldn't stop. Until I'd finally had enough that I could heave myself into the car to start a driving search and post a note on our neighborhood listserve from my iPhone. I mean I was so ill--I was thinking, A kidnapper might have her right now, but I have to eat one more first, I can't leave until I have another one. A whole TCOY morning, all going to hell. Then: I saw H. up the block with Lisa and her family, and there was Punch, on a pogo stick. Lisa had sent her in to check with H. about playing there, but instead she had asked him if she could wear her green dinosaur rain boots. Distracted fixing the fridge, he said yes. I'm telling you, fear will be the death of me.*
• Saw a tree with beautiful red leaves when Punch and I later walked Sug around the block.
• Ate a clementine.
• Made my first Rainbow Loom bracelet, with Punch. So now I can coach her.
• Read books with Punch.
• Told Figgy I loved her before she left on road trip.
• Have Cape Cod on horizon.
• Leisurely soak with bath salts and oil.

Good night.

*This post about uncontrollable eating is stark and ugly--painful. I hope that one day I can be more balanced and look back on this pattern as something I have overcome.