Fighting the Good Fight

I had to fight my way out of the dark mood. Had to put on the gloves and put up my dukes.

• Ate a healthy breakfast; 2 hard-boiled eggs, whole-grain toast topped with mashed avocado and a shake of chili pepper flakes. My friend Rachael is a nutritionist in town, and I'm planning to start a program with her where you are allowed to have wine and a dessert once a week, but you otherwise crowd out sugar. I'm jumping on the wagon now. Again. 
• Took it step by step. I allowed myself to lay on the couch while Dan read The New York Times, as he does every morning. I told him I was getting closer to my office that way, instead of going back to bed.
• Allowed myself to watch a movie: "The Lovely Bones," the 2009 movie based on the 2002 novel by Alice Sebold. Our book group read it, and it is beautifully written. I thought I had never seen it, and still think that, but the story came back to me as the film progressed--that's probably because of Ms. Sebold's vivid writing. What a novel, what a script, what a view of heaven. [Note: This was pricey, but no worse than had I had lunch out. The OnDemand charge was a steep $14.99. I didn't have the option to rent, which is much cheaper--only to buy.]
• I put on Sug's blue L.L. Bean winter coat, a recent hand-me-down from Buttercup. I pulled on tights under my skirt, laced up my sneakers, zipped my jacket. This is a big deal. When you are depressed, even tying your shoes can feel like a chore. 
• Sug and I walked the 20 minutes to town; she waited outside Chase while I deposited a check and outside Juice Culture while I ordered a bowl made with organic whole milk yogurt, blueberries and strawberries. We walked back home, her tail high as she pranced along. She scratched at our front door with her paw; she knew her dinner waited on the other side.
• I hope to continue to function. I'm at my computer. I've lit pretty candles. I'm going to make vegetarian chili. 

HERE IS THE SEED I'M NOT SHARING, THE UGLY TRUTH: I HURT THE FEELINGS OF THE PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY BY WAY OF TERRIBLE THINGS I SAID. I WAS HURT, AND FELT UNAPPRECIATED AND I LASHED OUT. I CANNOT ERASE MY MISSTEPS. I KNOW THAT FULL WELL. I CAN ONLY MOVE FORWARD AND DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING. BUT THAT IS WHAT CAUSES MY DEPRESSION: GUILT, SHAME AND DARKNESS OVER BAD BEHAVIOR. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING. HERE I GO, TAKING MY NEXT NEW STEP.....I HOPE I CAN LEARN TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH WHEN PEOPLE ACT LIKE JERKS, INSTEAD OF UPPING THE ANTE.