Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw in "Love Story," the 1970 blockbuster. Image from Lolo Loves Films blog. Thanks, Lolo. (The movie site is run by two married critics who write about new Hollywood releases and classic cinema.) My parents wouldn't have endorsed the "premarital sex" 54 years ago--but even the wording now seems archaic. In 2024, this plot is acceptable to me. It is a love story.
I know, times change, and the young among us help the older face new realities and codes.
When I was a teenager in 1975, and Title IX opened the door for girls like me to run on previously boys-only high school athletic teams, such as cross-country and spring track, my mother, born in New York City in 1924, expressed discomfort and disapproval.
"You're running around in your underwear," she said. And we did run around the school track, and around town for practice, in our 1970s shorts.
My mother also protested when I got my ears pierced ("I'm not helping you turn the posts," she said, and she didn't) and when I walked to a beauty salon in Bergenfield to get my thick eyebrows tweezed and my long hair shaped into a more modern angled cut. I guess she did not want me to grow up, or was uncomfortable with a perceived sexual awakening (but trust me, I was pretty repressed, though had a few boyfriends).
Without acknowledging that any of the things I'm about to list have anything to do with the young people in my immediate circle, or in my sight line, I don't fully comprehend these seven social mores of 2024:
- Having sex with people with whom you are not in a committed relationship.
- Having sex with someone the first time you meet them.
- Having phone sex with someone you never met, except on the internet.
- Having unprotected sex.
- Having an open relationship in which both partners "can" have sex with other people.
- Trying to get pregnant, or being open to the possibility, with the goal of trapping a man. Or vice versa, with the man wanting a pregnancy to trap a woman.
- Not realizing that when you are under the influence of a substance, you might make dumb or dangerous mistakes and not think clearly--such as having sex with someone you didn't intend to have sex with.
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You don’t understand the appeal? I understand the appeal of all of them except 4, 6, and 7, which are dangerous. But having unprotected sex is classic, people trust each other not to have disease or to be fertile at that particular moment or think they can avoid pregnancy and disease. Using children as leverage in a romantic relationship is scummy but also reflects that many women do not feel empowered in their life. But the ones involving consensual sex between adults, that is such a personal choice that doesn’t affect other people. I feel in general that the more sex the better. There are so many more harmful actions! The fact that I am personally monogamous has more to do with background and how I want to lead my life than any overriding vision of how sex is conducted. Anyway, if there’s a chance that once you are past the insistent roar of teenage hormones that you won’t judge other people’s sex lives, I wouldn’t worry about a tendency toward judginess. You are in the thick of it. For example, for all that I am about female agency, Pater and I came down like a ton of bricks when our son turned 18and his gf was younger. Then it was all about, she gets pissed at you and you go to jail. Hang in there, Alice.
ReplyDeleteLiz
Liz, thank you for this note. It is now 9:10 a.m. and we are in the midst of drama with this teenager. She is refusing to go to school (it starts at 9 a.m. and is a 20 min ride from here) and the van has been waiting. Honestly, sometimes IDK if I can get through this. I know my weekly therapy appointment today will help me calm down and gain a better perspective.
DeleteI like all of your insights and I thank you for sharing them. xo Alice. P.S. "I feel in general that the more sex the better. There are so many more harmful actions!" Gratitude for you, your smarts and your candor.
P.S. I did not write that these things are wrong or judge them that way. That's exactly it, I struggle to understand and accept them as new mores that are different from mine. And I grapple with them in terms of people getting hurt, for example, a man OR woman with #1. How people conduct themselves sexually is ultimately none of my business, I see that. It is between two people and I am not one of them. How people behave in my immediate family/house is separate (as you note with your son). It took me a while to also understand shaving one's head, dying beautiful hair green, etc etc. I am a work in progress. We all are. Thanks Liz. Alice
DeleteHaving sex with people with whom you are not in a committed relationship. DID IT, WAS A BIG FAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE, AGE AND TIME OF LIFE.
ReplyDeleteHaving sex with someone the first time you meet them. DITTO AS ABOVE
Having phone sex with someone you never met, except on the internet. NEVER DID THIS, DOESN'T FEEL LIKE MY THING. BUT TO EACH HIS OWN.
Having unprotected sex. YEAH, I'VE DONE THIS TOO. REGRETTED IT. STUPID.
Having an open relationship in which both partners "can" have sex with other people. I'M PERSONALLY NOT A FAN, BUT I DO KNOW PEOPLE FOR WHOM THIS WORKS. USUALLY WITH A SHITLOAD OF TRANSPARENCY AND RULES.
Trying to get pregnant, or being open to the possibility, with the goal of trapping a man. Or vice versa, with the man wanting a pregnancy to trap a woman. YUCK. SO YUCK. #BETRAYAL
Not realizing that when you are under the influence of a substance, you might make dumb or dangerous mistakes and not think clearly--such as having sex with someone you didn't intend to have sex with. YEAH, THIS HAPPENS, BUT IT IS SCARY AND DANGEROUS.
MY TWO CENTS. -Kim
Kim, thank you for weighing in. I like reading this. I forgot anyone existed in your passion life except good F. :) #5 open relationships "I'M PERSONALLY NOT A FAN, BUT I DO KNOW PEOPLE FOR WHOM THIS WORKS. USUALLY WITH A SHITLOAD OF TRANSPARENCY AND RULES." Wow. I would be curious about the rules, such as no one on our block? No one from the church community? I don't want you to share them, just curious. I'm sure most of us have read the essay written recently by a woman in an open marriage. #6 trapping someone with pregnancy, I think it has been going on forever, right? To use Liz's words, a woman didn't have much other agency? And it still happens, seems like among low-income women? Kim, having lived your life more bravely than I have....it must have been fun, I must say. But when one lives in boundaries and fear....well, here I am. I also suffered a lot from breakups so could not have handled sex AND breakups. I'm cherishing my Dan more and more tho.....which is good. #1 it's funny, I still vividly remember standing on a NYC street corner and a handsome young man trying to convince me to go up to a hotel room. We had met briefly at work a few times and then there was this work party.....anyway, thanks and enjoy your wonderful break. Love Alice
DeleteI think the rules for "open" relationships often involve consent and, er, openness. Like, you can't sneak around with someone, the partner needs to meet them, when you can "bring them home," how the primary relationship is prioritized (or not). I think some rules involve if and how outside partners can or can't meet family, travel, etc. I'm sure there are a hundred wrinkles, but my understanding is that when done successfully, it's a lot of work and a boatload of communication.
ReplyDeleteHi Kim. I just saw this reply now. Thank you. Mysterious and intriguing, a hundred wrinkles, right....
Deletethat was Kim (sigh) stupid blogspot
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