Day 7, "Dan, Make More Veggies, Please!"

Sis and Punch crinkle their noses at these, but I think they are a delicious snack with
a pour of cold whole milk. I just hope the wheat isn't a trigger for grazing.

I let Punch choose a couple of treats/snacks at Whole Foods after school. I don't intend to partake.

But if I'm tired, or fearful, or feeling down on myself, that's when they call out, from the far reaches of the freezer or the depths of the pantry.

I don't intend to succumb, but to answer with a steady NO.

Taking a leaf from Kim and F's book, I bought a very big bag of frozen artichokes. Dan was fixing dinner. Make more than that! I said. I need to have a lot of veggies on my plate.

Okay, okay, I'll make more vegetables, he said. He presented a mix of broccoli and baby carrots on the side, along with the broiled salmon and brown rice.

Grateful.

This switch to getting up at 6 a.m. to get Punch out for middle school bus has been hard.

My hot bath with salts felt great.

Good night.

TCOY

1. The bath.
2. Played Bach on kitchen speaker. Loved it.
3. Important phone conversation.
4. That's it. I meant to walk or bike, but didn't. I did eat healthfully. I feel full, not deprived.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET

• Parking meter, 50 cents.
• Whole Foods, iced coffee from barista, frozen Daiya vegan supreme pizza for Fig, huge bags of frozen broccoli and quartered artichokes, Grape-Nuts cereal, snack for Punch and pals, snack for Punch, half-gallon vanilla soy milk, nearly 1 lb. marinated salmon fillets for dinner tonight, loaf Ezekiel bread, $63.35.

Total daily spend: $63.85.
Ongoing monthly spend as of Sept. 6: $297.84.
Average daily spend: $49.64.

Big-ticket 🎟🎟 September spends:

🎟 Citarella at Hudson Yards, dinner plus fresh fruit, etc. to bring home, $35.

🎟 Whole Foods, groceries, including present for Fig and big yellow mum plant, $84.
🎟 Whole Foods, groceries, including salmon for dinner and an iced coffee from the barista, $63.

Let the Ice Water Commence

Darn it, I again ate some candy lurking around the house. Let the tall cups of ice water commence.

Catching up on Atlantic City/2 days/one night here:

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET THURSDAY, APRIL 25

• Gilchrist, breakfast for four of us with tip, $54.60.
• Gilchrist, 2 dark chocolate-covered Oreos, one for P. and one for me, $2.89. Wasteful.
• Starbucks app, worked at SB from 12:30 to 5 p.m., grande iced coffee and twin pack of pretty Ban.do holiday notebooks on sale, reduced from $13 to $6, plus $1 tip, $11.24.
• Starbucks app again, salami + Monterey Jack tray and Dark Chocolate Chip PB Perfect [protein] Bar plus $1 tip, $12.18.
• Store in Tropicana, small gift for Sis + 2 dark chocolate bars, $14.37.
• Step Up store in Tropicana, Skechers "yoga foam" flip-flops, blush with rhinestones in my large size, 11, $34.99.
• Steel's [since 1919] candy/fudge store on boardwalk, small piece of fudge for P. and saltwater taffy to bring home, $14.26. Wasteful.
• Japanese restaurant in Ventnor, split dinner for 4 bill with Mimi, plus tip, $52.15.
• Sunoco, Atlantic City, half tank of gas, $18.58.

TOTAL DAILY SPEND: $215.26.
MONTHLY SPEND AS OF APRIL 25: $2,991.09.
AVERAGE DAILY SPEND SO FAR THIS MONTH: $119.64.

________________________________________________________________________________
$ SPENT OUT OF POCKET FRIDAY, APRIL 26

• CVS, went for 2 family Rx, got small bag Ruffles chips, 3 Lean Cuisine entrees, 2 Hallmark cards for Sis bday today, $25 gift card for her, $44.55. I want to stop buying these small bags of chips; bad for wallet and bad for heart.
• CVS again, since my receipt, above, included coupon for $2 off Listerine. Large Special K with Red Berries, 2 large Listerine, new Reese's Dark Chocolate Thins [crazy impulse buy], Fairlife chocolate milk, half-gallon Horizon organic milk, shelled pistachios, 3 dog food, $40.24. Letting those Reese's into my cart was ill-advised and wasteful.

TOTAL DAILY SPEND: $84.79.
MONTHLY SPEND AS OF APRIL 26: $3,075.88.
AVERAGE DAILY SPEND SO FAR THIS MONTH: $118.30.

Big-ticket April spends so far [numbers rounded off], 26 days into the month:

Lamp, $79; luxe hand cream, $55; Giotto dinner to go + jar of imported Italian artichokes, $46; dog groomer/beauty salon, $75; vet for hamster, $157; necklace extension/repair/new clasp, $128; blowout, $55; Over the Moon, bday gifts for Punch friend + book for me, $60; Kings groceries, $132; liquor store, $32; bra/underwear/tights, $126; Joyist, $39 one day while working on assignments there; second blowout w service tips, $52; Punchy, Lululemon, $28; Justice, bday gifts and gift bag/pink tissue for Punch friend + shorts for Punch + $2 donation at register, $58; Kings groceries, $63; Joyist, $25 one day while working on deadlines; bike delivery, $35; Whole Foods, $69; CVS & Kings, Easter gifts/basket treats [counting lemon curd for tarts], $97; zoo day and lunch, spring break, $42; A.C. apps + drinks, treat Mimi & Poppy, $85; A.C. pretty lilac drape-neck top, $49.; A.C. breakfast, treat Mimi + Poppy, $55; A.C. Skechers flip-flops, $35; A.C. sushi dinner, split bill, $52; Sis bday cards + gift, $35. Steep subtotal of $1,764.

MONEY THOUGHTS: Sis and I always bring small gifts back for each other when we travel. If girls and Dan are not with me, I bring them something, too. Meanwhile, I want to stop buying crap like chips and candy. No good, not healthy.

keeping my eye on

SO FAR: TOTAL APRIL SPEND OUT OF POCKET: $3,040.89

MY TOTAL MARCH SPEND OUT OF POCKET: $4,128.41.

TOTAL FEBRUARY SPEND OUT OF POCKET: $3,159.25.

Death Wish?

Warning: This topic is heavy and might be disturbing. Many people I hold close read my blog. I don't want to worry you. I want to face facts myself by writing this.

You already know I am one big paradox wrapped up in ribbons and bows. I try not overeating on sweets, but I adore baking and have an arsenal of the very best baking books. I have loved to bake since girlhood, and to give treats to family and friends. I am overweight and I exercise but still struggle with a big Santa belly.

Well, H. was away in the San Francisco area for two nights. I have sleep apnea, as confirmed maybe 8 years ago in an overnight sleep study in a hospital. It was one of the most horrendous experiences I have ever endured. Wires and electrodes all over and a mask that frightened me and a promise from the nurse that I could get her if I felt I could not breathe. But then she did not come, at least once. A medical supply company came to deliver a mask and a machine after that study and I would not accept it. The thought of being tied to having to use a machine every night, especially since I love to travel on road trips, was terrifying. My doctor encouraged me to use a machine, but I declined. He also said that losing some weight would improve my sleep apnea, so I grabbed onto that hope.

Fast forward to last night. Going to bed, reviewing the sweets I had eaten in a single Thursday, below. Praying to God, again. Holding my belly, again. Dear God, what is the answer?

• 1 smallish chocolate cupcake from Little Daisy Bake Shop when walking back from town.
• 1 mini chocolate cupcake from Little Daisy, when Punch wanted to go in on our way to jewelry holiday party at 7:45 p.m.
• 1 small cookie at the party.
• 1 thick slice of the world's best gingerbread loaf, buttery and fragrant--Punch chose it at Little Daisy, took one bite. I put it in freezer to save for her and then ate it with a glass of cold milk at 11 p.m.
• 1 of the foil-wrapped Rocher chocolates Punchy proudly bought with her own money and has been doling out carefully [to herself and her pal Rowan].

Fast forward to about 3 a.m. I woke up struggling to breathe. I could not get any air in. Thank God I woke up, sat up and struggled, finally able to get some air into my lungs. Thoughts of a classmate's older brother who died so young, in his sleep, at a hotel, I think. Something about a breathing problem or obstruction. Little Punch was sleeping soundly right across the hall; Sug was curled up in donut position on our bed. H. was not by my side. He tells me that I have bad apnea and he has to tell me to roll over, etc.

Is this God's answer? 

I am willing to give up sweet treats in moderation so that I will be healthier. I am not willing to give them up entirely. It is December, and I am planning certain days to bake and give.

I hope and pray, pray and hope. But this was very, very scary. I think my apnea is worse when I eat sweets and milk right before bed, so maybe I could at least not do that?

Thank you for listening to my tapped words.

I would love to know what you think, but even that frightens me. If I would have to endure another sleep study in order to get the equipment, I'm not sure that I can. Not unless H. or someone else spends the night there with me.

Signing off,
Frightened to Death? 

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park.
2. Walked Sug.
3. Hot tea.

The No Cookie, Cake, Candy, Ice Cream & Pastry "Diet"

This Sunday will mark four weeks since I decided to stop eating sweet treats--because my moods were erratic and I was acting evil to my family. By the grace of God, I was able to step back and see myself screaming and being evil--or rather, to see a stranger I didn't recognize doing that. I clearly remember where I was standing, what I was wearing and what time it was: 11:22 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

I've had no sweet treats with few exceptions: An occasional Lily's stevia-sweetened chocolate bar, apple cake made at home with very little sugar and maybe some jam on a roll or toast. [I did make two cake exceptions this weekend--to try a special praline ice cream cake that someone's Dad sells to fancy restaurants in NYC and to sample a piece of my childhood friend Irene's cannoli sheet cake. But then I jumped swiftly back on the bandwagon. Sugar addict that I am, in the past I would have had more than one slice of the ice cream cake and a whole plate of desserts on the cannoli cake party day.]

I weighed myself today and have lost 5 pounds.

I am encouraged. And I feel better, too.

Happy Easter

We leave Maine and head home tomorrow. I just spent the last couple hours sitting at the dining room table, writing an article about an artist in Montclair. Will post piece when it runs.

My editor from the 1990s was right.

You're lucky to be a writer, she told young me by the elevator bank one day. You can do your work from anywhere. And that was long before laptops came around!

Had to get story in--because tomorrow we will be in the car for another eight or nine hours to get back home. Ugh.

Good night to you.

TCOY

1. I didn't eat any Easter candy. This is very big for me. Nor did I have the big birthday sheet cake, the cherry pie, vanilla ice cream, apple pie, macarons or Girl Scout cookies. I did have a little noodle kugel and a good cup of coffee with light cream and a bit of sugar. I figured that was ok. Without the sugar overload, I felt much less exhausted than in the past. And I could think and see more clearly. That can be hard--because you're not burying uncomfortable truths in mounds of white sugar. But I did it. There are some complicated people in the family. I guess all of us are complicated. We're human.
2. Took time to do my hair and makeup and accessorize: charm bracelet, pearl bracelet, earrings.
3. Talked to Sis.
4. Took a very short walk in brisk air; 10 minutes.