Fear of Flying: The 39 Steps

On days like today, I feel like a baby bird,
afraid to fly away from the nest [in my case, the bed],
and face the world--with all of its beauty and risks.
Let's face it, there's a pretty pink flower out there in the distance,
but there might be a vulture hiding, too.

Again, a warning. This post contains depressing content.

Not afraid of flying in a literal sense, but replace the word in fear of flying with the following this morning:

1. getting started
2. being strong enough
3. being big enough 
4. being too big
5. being a good enough mother--tuned-in enough, able to show I care without seeming too forceful, achieving a delicate balance, being what I should be for my Fig Caroline so that she can lead a healthy and happy life
6. helping/encouraging/coaxing/coaching whatever the word is, H. to be a good enough dad for our Fig Caroline so that she can lead a healthy and happy life
7. trusting H. enough to know he can do #6 a lot of the time without my helping/encouraging/coaxing/coaching [after all, there have been times when he was right]
8. being perceptive enough
9. being a good listener, and hearing what people say
10. knowing what to say myself
11. cleaning and organizing
12. redeeming myself, in my own eyes
13. eating right
14. fitting everything into my day
15. getting dressed 
16. not getting dressed
17. folding laundry
18. keeping in touch with my friends
19. never doing everything I have to do [NJ driver's license expired end of August, still have not dragged myself to Motor Vehicles to renew it, partly b/c you need your whole life story in documents again, and since the tree fell and we had to move out, I'm afraid to start looking and realize i don't have the documents I need here at the condo, like birth certificate, marriage certificate etc. etc. Plus, we are supposed to go to Motor Vehicles to register Dad's car in our name]
20. being stopped by a police officer and having to present my license
21. not finding time today to visit Dad
22. losing Dad
23. not carving out an hour total to drive to the park and walk 40 minutes with Sug [we both need more exercise, beyond just circling the condo for five minutes]
24. wearing my jeans
25. unpacking boxes and boxes and boxes of junky old stuff when we move back into that pretty fixed-up house
26. answering the phone
27. meeting my deadlines
28. not having enough time to brush my teeth, floss, use Cool Mint Listerine and put makeup on
29. not having enough time to accessorize
30. failing big time as a parent
31. not being as close as i used to be to my lifelong best friend
32. not making enough of my life
33. not being able to save the petunias in my window box, which once again have mites
34. waiting too long for our freelance paychecks and not being able to enjoy little luxuries, like maybe a pumpkin latte
35. losing important people in my life, disconnecting connections
36. eating too much of that ice-cold pumpkin pie in the fridge, with whipped organic cream
37. not having enough time to ride my fun pink bike
38. being really late on our bills
39. never getting my life in order--in perfect, apple-pie order

Now that I wrote this list, and let it all out, I feel better. I can start at the very beginning, one foot in front of the other, eat breakfast, wash face, brush teeth, get dressed, put earrings on, meet work deadlines, handle what I can handle. [I was up at 7:05 already to drive Figgy to MHS--H. and I take turns--but slipped back into bed the minute I got back at 8.]

Sometimes, it feels easier to sink into sleep than to face my life. But here I am, up and going.

Thank you so much for being there to read this.

Go, Alice, go. Be your own best friend, believe in yourself as you would believe in your best friend. I know you can do it. Don't be so hard on yourself.


Baby-bird image from: http://awriterinthedesert.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/baby-bird-saturday.jpg.