- I look really fat in the wedding video I just viewed online. This was the Florida wedding in April. My hair looks bushy, my chin doesn't exist, and basically, I must be in denial if I think I can look good, even in pretty clothing. Cherry on top: At one point, while H. is being filmed, I'm even in the background chewing a bite of dessert. Who am I kidding? I must really not see myself the way the world does. I try to give myself some slack---Dad had been really sick and just died the month before; Figgy was going through serious problems; H. and I were dealing with the accompanying hell. How did I expect to look? Another cherry: Most other women on the tape are slender, slender--as in sculpted slender.
- H. and I are a mess. I know, I should just speak for myself. But he's on the way to a very important meeting right now in NYC. His NY Times Magazine article sparked a lot of interest in his writing. And I feel guilty b/c we didn't have the money for him to buy a new sport coat, so he wore his old one. He had to scramble to find his old belt, and hurriedly polished his slightly worn black loafers so they shine a little. His glasses are held together with duct tape; the new pair hasn't arrived on time. [He plans to take them off before the meeting.] His ancient leather briefcase is beaten up, but I think he likes it that way. Fortunately, he does have on the nice, crisp Ralph Lauren shirt I bought him at Bloomingdale's for Father's Day. But we're just a mess. We're down to our last pairs of clean underwear, and have to do the wash. Our house is a mess, our lives are a mess, even our car is a mess. I got a ticket, just like last year, because our registration was due for renewal in July and we are late. Like I said, mess. H. promised to go to DMV weeks ago.
- My beauty is a mess. Hair frizzy, toenails too long, polish all chipped. Like to dress nicely even to work at my desk at home, b/c feel more professional. But yesterday, went through about seven outfits before I found one I felt good in. Oh,and those rejected outfits? In a heap in the bedroom, waiting to be respected and returned to the closet.
- And most of all, our finances are a mess. We owe a lot of money and it's scary. It's shameful and embarrassing and dark. We work hard, but we also battle laziness, inertia, fear and depression, and we have to keep up with the IRS, personal loans, health insurance and more. At the moment, my health insurance is cancelled. None of us in this little family has ever been in that situation for more than about two days. But I'm waiting on two checks, and will reinstate soon. H.'s and Fig's policies are paid up to date.
- Oh, and some family members told us we're a mess, too. I already named the cherry on top, so this must be the extra rainbow sprinkles. There are some outspoken people who have as much as said so. And that makes me angry and sad.
I thank you for being there, for reading this, for caring to read it. I really do.
- Showered and put on nice outfit.
- Scrawled Chance to change for the better in the good Gratitude journal I bought on Cape Cod two summers ago.