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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Regrets Only

If we recognize the regrets, we can move on and, I hope, not sit on the couch midday in front of a Beatles documentary, pretzel bag in hand. It's not about wrestling the regrets to the ground, really, but just seeing them for what they are, facing them, and going forward. At least I hope so. Here are some that haunt me repeatedly, and freeze me in my path. They're not in the order they happened, but in the order they occurred to me. A few may sound vague, but I know precisely what I mean. That's the thing about regrets. It's easy to relive them.
  1. Not driving over to the Bronx to get that afghan that a much older friend had crocheted for Baby Figgy. I rarely saw the friend once I switched jobs. H. and I never got there for one reason or another, but the friend kept telling me she had the afghan. Unforgivable, but beyond patching.
  2. Wearing that black top with that blue and white zebra-print skirt--more than once, and to important places. The fabrics [not the colors] were all wrong together. Major fashion faux pas. What was I thinking?
  3. Eating those two candy bars back to back as a young woman, cold and alone on that night on West 42nd Street--and not knowing why, or what need I was trying to feed, though now I do.
  4. Being so naive in the work world when I started out--so trusting, so rosy.
  5. Not talking to my mother about whether she was terrified to die, how unfair it was that she was dying at 56, and how much I would miss her. In fact, being in complete denial about her impending death, even though I was 20 years old. I should have been more aware.
  6. Making that one very long, very personal phone call, even though it was during my lunch hour. My boss was listening.
  7. Writing those letters to that guy who would eventually dump me in a humiliating way.
  8. Losing my brother.
  9. Letting my temper get the best of me--bedroom bureau incident. And all the tremors a big quake like that can leave in its aftermath. I will always regret this. The incident was hideous enough in its own right, but also serves as a very vivid reminder of everyday bad behavior.
  10. Making and dropping off those tarts that December day near Christmas when I was exhausted. Half-baked effort, half-hearted results. Next time, plan better.
  11. Wearing dressy sandals to Moey's grandfather Pop's wake several years ago. Pop was 100. It was hot, but still, I probably should have worn closed-toe shoes.
  12. Wearing that black dress to that birthday party. Too revealing.
Am I alone, or are you too sometimes mired in regrets?

  1. Boot camp in park yesterday and walked Sug around block once.
  2. Made healthy dinner.
  3. Read.
  4. Wrote and thought--thought and wrote. Forced Self to stay put at desk.
  5. Watched 1958 classic, Bell, Book and Candle, with Fig.
  6. Slept enough.


  1. Not alone, my friend. Regrets on this end, too, from the minor to the profound: Attention not paid, temper not kept, caution not exercised, opportunities missed.

  2. Kim, thanks for the note. i gather all one can do is move on....