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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Ugliness of Anger

I was a villain today.
Can there possibly be any beauty in anger? Can there be? Or is there beauty only in kindness, compassion, wisdom and friendship?

Is there beauty in a Disney villain, a monstrous presence, a witch with warts on her nose and hairs on her chin? Is there?

Does anger teach us something about peace, and its value? Does its darkness make light look more lovely?

I was uncontrollably angry at my family today @ dinnertime. I was even mad at Sug. Go away! Ask someone else to feed you! I barked at her. She skulked away.

I felt unappreciated, resentful and just plain mad. I am not proud. I lashed out. [Come to think of it, I also lashed out at my health insurance provider at around noon, because they tried to take our payment out of the wrong checking account, which resulted in a negative balance, $34 bank fee and returned payment, which would have cancelled my coverage again. I was not a happy camper. The thing is, I wanted to do my work, not be derailed by all of this crap.]

I think I'm too embarrassed, or private, or ashamed, to write the specifics here about my chili-hot spurt of anger in the kitchen @ suppertime. But trust me, it was ugly.

I decided to try to salvage something from it, though. Later tonight, after H. and I returned from Back-to-School Night at Montclair High School, I had a chance to talk to Figgy. I decided I wanted to tell her that I know I'm not very good at expressing anger, that it's something I need to work on. We talked for a while.

Right now, I just want to go to sleep. Pull the curtains on today. Tomorrow is another start.

Good night.

  1. Boot camp in the park.
  2. Walked Sug around block.
  3. Read, took nap, as break from work.
  4. Cooked rainbow chard and also roasted cherry tomatoes, with snipped basil, drizzle of olive oil, pepper and coarse salt.


  1. Oh, my #1 problem as a parent to a difficult teen. I squirmed reading this remembering both the poker-hot rage and the swamp of guilty despair in the aftermath. Lots of Private Benjamin helped, which I know you're doing. Having my kid outgrow some of the provoking behaviors helped, too. Sincere apologies and working on it together, as you did with Fig, is key. Hang in there. It is an opportunity to improve and learn more about yourself, but it is a very painful process, I know.

  2. thanks, Kim.....i appreciate your alice