I'm ashamed of my behavior. I cursed and yelled at my family in front of my house last night. It's a long story but what I'm left with--despite their wrongs--is a heavy heart and a big satchel of regret. It's true--we can only control our own behavior. And now, I can only take charge of the moments and hours to come.
Yet the shopping addict in me got an instant lift when I saw the email from Barneys this morning featuring an interview with Elisabeth Moss [Peggy from "Mad Men"] and her style and beauty choices. If I were a rich woman, a couple clicks would momentarily salve my pain, I know it.
I'm not a rich woman but I do plan to scan the collection next time I'm in New York.
Right now I'm still trying to untangle the twisted thorns that cage my heart. I pray for peace, in me and around me.
And sometimes, forgive me, God, I wish for a different family. Maybe even a solitary life, in a beautiful home with white-washed furniture, aqua pillows, fuchsia flowering plants--and things that stay exactly where I put them.
Thank you for listening to my sad tale. I think it helps to share it. Though it does strike me as odd sometimes, almost like this blank page and you good readers are the priest--and I'm asking to be absolved.
Heavy stuff for a Sunday morning. Better days ahead.
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I just wanted to drop you a line to remind you that you are not alone in this. As I have shared on my blog and over meals together, you and I, my struggle with Mommy rage--complete with cursing and breaking and throwing things (I was a big breaker)--was a demon I battled all through my everyday parenting. Lots of therapy helped, esp DBT training with my husband and troubled teen, but still it reared its head during my autumni horribilis when the stress levels went through the roof. M. was having the worst time sleeping and kept getting up and down from my bed where I was desperate for my own sleep. In frustration and rising rage, I jumped up to try to sort things out, swiped out in anger and grabbed at the wooden blinds in my bedroom and snapped a few in half. I could not believe how quickly my nemesis came roaring back. Here my baby was sick and I'm freaking breaking things again. I doubled up my therapy and we rode it out. I don't have all the answers, my friend, but I do know you are under incredible stress. Rage is not ok, it really isn't, but you aren't a terrible person for feeling it. At times, it's a pretty rageful experience this family stuff. That you are so determined to find healthier ways at expressing anger, disappointment and frustration makes you the good wife and mother I know you are. I don't say great, because, truthfully, I don't think those kinds exist. Hang in there, my friend.
ReplyDeleteKim thank you so much for this kind, wise and thoughtful post. With gratitude and love, Alice
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