Feeling Old in Historic Spring Lake

I did the Spring Lake 5-Mile Run today but like many other entrants, I chose to walk it. The last two years, I pushed myself to jog but was slower than many walkers, so felt discouraged. I'd be killing myself while I overheard them chat about guacamole recipes and beach house renovations.

The up side is that I walked the whole route, plus another 1.5 miles to return to Patsy and Andy's for brunch with our whole gang. I also soaked up the views--many I had missed befiore, like the stately old Spring Lake Library [I want to go back and explore it one day], the many strawberry blonde, freckled lassies in the famously Irish town, the fathers and sons fishing in the lake, the worn and new white picket fences--and four weathered Blessed Mother statues watching over seaside flower gardens. 

The down side is that I walked slow; almost 21 minutes per mile. I liked that no one was telling me to hurry, but I ended up seeing the backs of a 90-year-old woman and her proud daughter and several older gents in shorts and gray crew socks who left me in the dust.

I'd hoped to walk with my friend from boot camp but I lagged behind. I was pretty sick Thursday and Friday.

Now, though, I find myself angry.. At how big my belly looks in my corduroy skirt and peasant blouse, at H., for not doing enough with Punch, at Figgy for being frustrating, at our new family arrangement, which requires a lot of energy to keep up with a young child and not enough rest or work time for me. I get so desperate for the former that  I bite it off hungrily in big chunks when I can--and then the latter suffers doubly.

It is taking this pocket of time to write in bed, on my iPhone, that is calming my angry red spikes. Saving myself as a writer. I could easily be lost and alone. Pretty as it was, it was lonely to walk the route alone in a crowd. [H. jogged it and I'm proud of him.]

Brilliantly, Patsy hires two sitters every year to watch a group of our kids during the run. We all share the cost. 

Good night. Have to shower.

TCOY

1. Walked 6.5 miles.

2. Saw my friends.

3. Saw my ocean. Grateful for beach day.

4. Took this time to write. It became clear to me today that I must preserve my writing self. That's the part that helps me process my life and feel taken care of.  Thank you for wanting to know her, for reading.