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Monday, March 19, 2018

Better to Light Just One Little Candle

When I have enough cash with me, Punch and I light a candle or two in the back of the church after Mass. The suggested donation, to tuck into the metal box with the slit, is $4.

We have often lit one in memory of/in honor of:
  • Her daddy.
  • My daddy.
  • Dan.
  • My mommy.
  • Her mommy.
  • Figgy.
  • Auntie/Don.
But today, after a hellish attempt at getting her to Mass, she stayed in the car. We were so late, I think I caught 10 minutes. It was long enough to pray, to breathe, to interact with another mom who is supportive.

And this time, I slipped a folded five dollar bill into that slot and lit one white pillar candle for Punchy. Just Punchy. She is acting out big time. It has been rough. Her birth mom had a baby girl a couple of weeks ago and Punch is dying to meet her. To have a role in her life. To hold her. To see her mom. To be important enough to be there. But we have been put off.

Our Punchy adores babies. She knows every baby on the block. She asks me if she is swaddling her [very realistic] baby doll properly, if I would have thought the clothes Baby is wearing would have been warm enough for Figgy when Fig was an infant.

She has a beautiful heart, arms eager to hold and catch that baby sister. She is earnest; she wants very much to be a role model. She is trying so hard to be worthy. Of course she is more than worthy!

Our Punchy’s little heart must be breaking. And that little baby's path may be unclear, too; I don't know.

God bless Alexa, I prayed as the flame caught and flickered. God, please bless Alexa. [I don't use the name Punchy when praying to God.]

Good night.


  1. I rage.
    So much harm to you and your girl, innocent in this. As you say, could be another little soul being hurt by this woman.

    I know you have so, so much to do, but is there any outlet for a thwarted big sister? Could she help at library reading Hour? Or watch the little ones at mass? Could you get permission at school for her to help kindengarters with handwashing at recess? This age wants to have skills and be helpful! I Rage.

    1. Hi Liz. Thank you for your loyalty and anger on behalf of me and my Punch. Funny you should make those suggestions, because she just started a little soccer clinic, on her own, for younger kids on our block and they enjoyed it. I like your other suggestions. She has always loved watching the younger kids at Mass. I love your ideas. Right now she is also very excited because has never been to Disney and her paternal grandma (Mimi) taking her this Saturday! Nothing can really remove a hole of sadness but we can choose to fill it with other healthy, loving thins. Thanks love alice

  2. oof, this is so heartbreaking. Go, Punchy, and the people who love her. YOu're right, nothing can take the pain all away, but all the love is a good dose of immunity to keep her strong.

  3. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.Sent from my iPhone 4G
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