How Depression Manifests

• It is a big boulder to move. 
• You feel overwhelmed.
• It keeps you in bed.
• It feeds self-doubt. 
• It expresses itself in anger. 
• It doesn't want you to acknowledge the morning sun peeking through the blinds--that would be light. 
• It makes you think that getting in the shower, sliding the glass door, turning the faucet, is a task too big to master, no matter the creamy Olay body wash waiting there.
• It focuses on the weeds in the garden, not the flowers.
• And the cracks in the paint, not the warm history of the house.
• You yell and curse at your family, and alienate your good young-adult daughter.
• You can't hang up that pile of dresses, skirts and tops in the bedroom--not even the cheery pink pineapple one. Of course you can't, especially not that one, because as you once read, pink lifts the spirits of the wearer and those around her or him. That's why you wore it to the hospital when Sis went in for her surgery.
• You lose patience with the doggy.
• Everything looks bleak.
• Your husband can't reach you, though he tries.
• You can't call your sister.
• It is a curse, not a prayer.

But I did finally pray [the Serenity Prayer], and I am out of bed. Took long shower, Olayed, shampooed. I walked to town. I'm writing at Joyist. I felt a pull to the diner next-door--a cheeseburger deluxe was calling--but propelled myself in here for avocado toast with microgreens and radish. The heat is too heavy a blanket for me. I can't manage makeup, except lipstick--or jewelry, just the rings and Champagne diamond on a delicate chain that I always leave on. 

I am grateful I am up and working.

Depression leaves, gets swept out of dark corners, one tiny step at a time. You catch a glimpse of your parents and know they would not want you to suffer like this. One lift of the toothbrush, one cut of dental floss, one squeeze of shampoo. You fight for your happiness.

Have a good day, wherever you are.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET It spiked up--retail therapy but also TCOY.

• Joyist, to write, healthy version of Twix bars [shop-made, coconut and almond flours, no refined sugar, etc.]; avocado toast with greens; and large iced latte, $19.
• Sun Graphics, to scan Punch's multi-page dr. visit/vaccination form into a PDF I could drop into the online Cape Cod CampDoc application. I have never had to do this before--always mailed it. $5.
• U.S. Post Office, a sheet of 18 stamps and a biz-size envelope w postage on it, about $10.50.
• Chelsea Square, Caswell-Massey Elixir of Love No. 1 blue jar of body creme ["The Original Potion for Love Everlasting," something Dan bought me once in a rough patch]. $29.86. I already put a little on my arm and it is intoxicating.
• Joyist, Kacy has a new Joyist Reset Meal Plan for 1, 3 or 5 days. You get at least 5 servings of vegs, 1 of fruit, 1 adaptogen, something fermented, and "loads of fiber and antioxidants--all before dinnertime." The idea is that you can pick it up to go, but I will come at 11 on Monday and be all set to work here. I chose the menu with boosted iced coffee; avocado toast with greens and hard-boiled egg; cauliflower falafel grain bowl w Greek vinaigrette; and superfood trail mix with adaptogen chocolate, $35.
• Montclair Diner since 1923 [Dan out with college friend who is visiting]. Turkey club sandwich, rice pudding and decaf coffee, $15.90 but I left $4 tip because I am sitting here writing for two hours, $20.
• Kings, stopped on my 20-minute walk back home to get a half-gallon whole milk; jar of crunchy PB; Van's Power Grains Waffles; and 2 bars Lake Champlain Chocolates 57 percent dark, on 50 percent off sale, $15.27.

TOTAL DAILY SPEND: $134.53.

RUNNING TOTAL FOR MONTH AS OF JULY 12 [AND STARTING JULY 5]: $675.79.

JULY AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $84.47.

Big-ticket firecracker items in July: *Marcel bkfast w Punch and loaf of bread, $29; *Tory Burch sandals, $111; Starbucks Camp day, $94 [I subtracted the Bear Mountain pickles and peaches]; Punch bday gifts for friend + tiramisu w Elaine, $37; Joyist to write, + Punch drop-in, $30; one day of Joyist Reset Meal Plan, $35; Elixir of Love body creme, $30.

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