Just This Side of Senior Citizen

Enchanting Nauset Light.

Hello from oldster in parking lot outside Ben & Jerry's. Tired person with spry little white dog curled up next her. Sitting in my car to get on scoop shop internet since family home doesn't have it.

I'm aging. Fifty-one. Packing for the Cape and making the trip is getting to be exhausting. It didn't used to feel this way.

But I felt the years today. Up 7:30 A.M. and running up and down the basement stairs, throwing wash in the dryer, taking wash out of the dryer, trying to remember everything I need for time away. Striving to ignore the cobwebs on the basement steps. When will I ever make time to clean them? Lining up appointments for when we return. Leaving notes for H. and Figgy, who will be here Saturday. Packing up Sug and her dry food and wet food, her tick ointment, her heartworm pill, since I'm late doing both. Magazines, books, my old battered cookie sheet, baking powder, Woolite.

It's not that I can't buy things up here on the Cape. It's that it feels better to take them from home so I'm prepared and have thought ahead. It also saves money. What if I feel like making cookies? Or want to rinse out my swimsuit and dry it on the line and I have no Woolite, which makes it smell so fresh and clean?

I was ready to take a nap at 1 P.M., and instead, we were leaving then. Traffic was slow on 95 North, and the trip took us 7 or more hours.

But I pledged years ago to be honest in this blog. And the truth is, I miss the days when I was working full-time and came to the Cape on my [paid] vacation--even if I did long then for more time to be with my Figgy and H. by the sea, and felt bittersweet about returning to the office in NYC the Monday after we got home. But going on vacation as a full-time staff writer feels different than going on vacation as a freelancer. My income is down this year, due to serious circumstances beyond my control. My professional identity is limping along. My pride feels a little dented. And when you work full-time, you know you're still a breadwinner while away. When you don't, it feels like, You should be working. You are a slouch. I will in fact be writing a couple of days here--on an assignment.

But feeling these feelings is important. Being aware of them, letting them seep in. I plan to do some good thinking up here. Good night. Going to swing by Nauset Light on my way back to the house.

TCOY

1. Lots of water in the car.