Do Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Sandwiches Count as a Protein-Based Breakfast?

Damn right they don't. And it was just about 12 hours ago that I blogged this:

Also bought organic turkey sausages so I can start having protein-based breakfasts that I like. I need to power myself productively through my day, and I think a balance of lean protein and leafy greens can help.

I am such a work in progress. I try, I fail, I try, I fail. I flounder. Yet I never seem to sink. Thank God.

I want to write truthfully about this struggle because I really want to overcome it some day. I want to be healthier, lighter, more energetic. I know I'm not alone in this battle. I want to find a way.

In my defense, Figgy's sweet friend slept over and I planned last night to get bagels for breakfast. But I stopped @ the grocery store on the way to the bagel place to get cream cheese and milk and fruit, and there were the Snyder's of Hanover mini Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Sandwiches on one of the aisle end caps. I fleetingly tried to talk myself out of buying them, but I didn't succeed. Or I chose to succumb--that might be a better way to put it. I made a choice. It's not as though I couldn't have made the smart decision if I had really wanted to. Right? Poison vs. sanity, vice vs. virtue, yes vs. no. I bet if I timed the whole thing from seeing the pretzels to putting them in my cart, it would have been 10 seconds.

Maybe it all goes back to having to sit with uncomfortable feelings--of want, desire, need. In the end, I'm sure that what my spirit and soul does not really want, desire or need is junk food.

But like a chain smoker, I tore open the pack in the car and ate the perfectly round sandwiches while driving to the bagel store and from the store to home. I did stop myself--at maybe 6 oz. of the 8 oz. bag. "You're just like a chain smoker," I thought to myself as I drove past the home of a pretty editor I know, popping the pretzels into my mouth a few at a time. "It's like you're taking drags from a cigarette, one hand on the steering wheel, one on the smoke." I also thought of a woman I used to know in Dumont, who ate in her car and battled her weight, and visualized myself as her in a big swimming boat of a car, not my silver CR-V.

How does the smoker stop? The alcoholic? The drug user? How? This cycle is demoralizing, powerless and painful. When can it ever end?

Thank you for listening.