This Moment

I want to remember this moment. I want to believe it will matter, that it will grow into many moments, not be forgotten in an avalanche of donuts and chocolate.

This moment, in my navy Lilly sweater dress, black leggings, amber crystal beaded belt, eating a poached egg with fresh chives and a sprinkle of sea salt; broccoli salad; wheat toast; and a little goat cheese at noon. Having a yogurt.

I'm like an alcoholic who has been struggling for years, this time ordering a seltzer with fresh lime...and enjoying it. The egg is my seltzer, the chives are my lime.

That moment. When I walked in the door after a long walk @ the park with Elly and wanted to reach for chocolate, but didn't....and I could easily have stopped for a mocha on my way home or had the one Hershey Bar left over from Christmas. [Let's face it, though; Chocolate lovers know that unless we're outdoors making smores over a fire, Hershey Bars taste waxy and fake.]

Right now, I'm eating healthfully. Proteins, veggies, fruits. I can't imagine how far I could go in life if I could keep myself on this higher road, out of the gutter and the cycle of self-loathing. How much I could accomplish. How much more energy I would have. How much more time.

I want to remember this moment.

TCOY

1. Walked 3 big laps with Elly @ the park.
2. Healthy breakfast and lunch, both with whole grains and protein.
3. At my desk working now. Just spoke out loud to my inner Negative Nancy in the kitchen. "Shut up!" I said. "That's not true. Stop hating yourself." Because somehow, an editor who had interviewed me for a job was being interviewed on NPR and instead of saying, "Yeah, the magazine ran out of money," I was starting to talk negatively to myself about not getting the job. That negative talk tape is directly related to my overeating and my inability--until now--to pull myself out of the cycle. Because if I start taking care of myself with food, the negative voice gets heard, rather than stuffed down. So it's tough.