Follow-up to Big Belly Post

BTW, I love the little girl who made the big belly comment [previous post].  Don't get me wrong. I do. I do not think her mom, a friend I treasure, reads my blog regularly. But if she does: I LOVE YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER.

But kids say what the rest of us are thinking sometimes.

So now I have been thinking, do all of these fashion and beauty flowers in my life do nothing to detract from a big Santa belly? Do these sleight-of-hand tricks do nothing to fool anyone?

1. The feminine bell sleeves on the black Julie Brown dress [sixe XL] I recently bought on sale at STITCH. I love that dress. I just do.
2. The beautiful blue earrings Dan got me for Christmas.
3. My wonderful, swingy, long Mary Marino necklaces, with pearls and tassel.
4. Chanel black mascara.
5. The soft black wrap sweater [OS, one size, amazingly] from STITCH. Wow, I see there's a lot of black here.
6. The cute Julie Brown sweater Dan bought me in Cape May for my January birthday.
7. My jar of DollyMoo Lunar Love Body Butter Blessing.

Food for thought.

Sunday Good/Bad/Ugly

GOOD
Finally got back to Joe’s restorative yoga class today. It was a gift, from the massage oil I rubbed into my inner wrists and temples to the wonderful resting poses with bolster, blocks and blankets—as the afternoon rain pelted the roof. We were safe inside. I haven’t purchased a block of classes in a while; I bought a set of five today. Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged.
BAD
Our garbage disposal in the sink is broken, yet again. This often causes our dishwasher to overflow. Good times.
UGLY
A lovely child, in innocence, asked me ‘“Why is your belly so big?”  I’m struggling mightily. Here I am trying to replace sweets with fruit, white bread with Ezekiel. I walked into the Little Daisy Bake Shop today and didn’t get a sample or a sweet, just a coffee to bring Figgy at work and a cute pack of Valentine hot cocoa mix for Punchy, to go with the Little Daisy little cup and red spoon I got her the other day. Sigh. Help?

Carb-Conscious Pizza--with Cauliflower Crust

L

Um, their cover version looks just A LITTLE BIT different from my homespun one.

Humble but tasty, and baked on parchment paper.

Mine looks more from this angle like a potato latke topped with veggies, but it's actually a thin crust made from "riced" cauliflower. [I bought the caulflower prericed at ShopRite, for $3.99 per pound, rather than ricing a big head myself in batches in my tiny food processor.] HERE IS THE RECIPE FROM COOKING LIGHT. Since their cooks started with a head of cauli that was roughly 3 pounds, I bought 3 one-pound packs of riced cauliflower. But I only used one, because it filled up the whole big baking sheet when I roasted it....not sure if that was a mistake.....still, the pizza was pretty good. And only 2.5 oz.shredded part-skim mozzarella and 1/2 oz. grated Parmesan in terms of cheese total for the two single-serving pies. I also bought two fresh dough balls--Figgy and Punchy went to town, and it was fun to see. Fig used vegan toppings--tofu, mushrooms, garlic, spinach, mock cheese, tomatoes--and Punch proudly went full-tilt dairy, dotting her tomato sauce with many little white mozzarella balls. All three of us used fresh basil from the plant outside that the deer have not eaten yet. Viva la pizza.

Mistakes Were Made

We have crowded out cookies, cake, candy and ice cream for the most part in our house. [A friend gave Punchy baggies full of Hershey's Kisses and I told Punch to put them where I won't find them.] But sugar and carb traps sneak in through the cracks and after a good day involving kale salad, brown rice, fresh apricots, cottage cheese and brown rice cakes, big mistakes were made by this writer. Here, the trail of crumbs:

1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal. Could it be any sweeter?We have one box and it seemed much jazzier/sexier than my Plain Jane Cheerios. I succumbed to 2 bowls w whole milk.
2. Bagels. Have avoided them for 2 weeks but bought two, one for each daughter, because they like them toasted for breakfast. I ate a little piece, then another and another and why not with butter, too--which I have not touched for two weeks--until a full bagel had vanished.
3. Sugar-free hard candy. Doesn't work for me; makes me crave sugar.
4. McDonald's. Junk food trigger! No surprise there. We have our golden-hearted sitter on Mondays and Tuesdays. Every now and then, as on a rainy day like today, she takes Punchy to McDonald's. Petite Punch never finishes anything, so she returned with a barely sipped chocolate milkshake; a half eaten cheeseburger; some fries; and two chocolate chip cookies. I resisted [mostly] until 9 p.m. when I sipped some shake and told her if she wanted it, she better have it, because I had to throw it out. She had a few sips and then it went down the drain.
5. Brown rice. Even healthy brown rice can lead me down the garden path. It's part of the food plan once or twice a week, a half-cup serving. But I had it under chili last night, under chili and ground beef at lunch and under chicken at dinner. Way over. Too liberal.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm grateful I had a productive Tuesday, with rest, important reading, warm bath, good dental care, washing delicate laundry, spending time working in my office and taking a walk around the park.  I still have a lot to learn in this war against carbs.

Derailed but Back on Track Again

I couldn't bring myself to report my going off the rails last night. I went to something that was part class/part support group yesterday evening. I was upset about some observations, and some truths or probable truths. And I was angry at Dan. I had driven into the city in the pouring rain in the afternoon for a work task and it took forever to find a free parking space [on West 67th Street, finally]. The traffic was terrible and I got back late and delivered Punchy to gymnastics one half-hour late [her weekly Monday class goes from 4:45 to 6:15]. But now that I hopped back on the horse of healthy eating, and went to the doctor for a checkup, and my weight was down, I will write what I ate when I returned home close to 9 p.m. It showed me very clearly, once again, that I cannot control myself if left to my own devices with sweets/treats/sugar. And that one bite can lead to many gobbles.

1. Two bouchees [smallish French cookies/pastry treats] I had brought back from the city for Punchy and Figgy. They had not eaten them in the four hours since I put them on the table. I did. They were from La Maison du Chocolat.
2. 1 Pop-Tart [last one in box, or I would have eaten more]. I'm telling you, sugar craving took over.
3. 1 smallish bowl of Honeycomb cereal with 2 percent milk.
4. 1 Nutri Grain crumb cake square. 
5. Worst of all, an entire  "share me" size bag of Life Savers Gummi Savers, which was 3 servings.
6. 1 of Punchy's Hershey's pudding cups.

If there was any other treat not nailed down, I would have eaten that, too. But it ended there. I went to bed, grouchy, without washing my face or brushing my teeth. Today I was back to turkey, salad, veggies, fruit, cottage cheese. I feel good. I drove over to Sis's for an overnight visit and she took me to the Water Club! I savored gazpacho with lobster; a Cobb salad with crab and shrimp; fresh, sweet strawberries; and an excellent cup of cappuccino. I did have a couple spoonfuls of Sis's tiramisu and had a little excellent whipped cream on my berries. Good night.

Day 1, Healthy Food Plan: Some Observations

1. I don't think I have ever eaten so many fruits and vegs in one day. I mean: half a big orange as part of breakfast, cooked veg and salad at lunch, cooked veg and salad at dinner and will have fruit with yogurt for snack. I had a hard time finishing the portions of fruit and veg at breakfast and dinner. My friends used to laugh at me because I said eating an apple was too much work. It kind of is. 
2. No flour and no sugar. Measured [tiny] amounts of cereal. A cup of skim milk. Yikes. Bit of a shock to the system. BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
3. I do feel pretty good so far.
4. Right away, I had to explain myself, because my nice friend and another friend were having white wine on the deck and I had to say no, I'm doing a new plan that requires no alcohol. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
5. About to take a bath.
6. So far, so good without my friends: butter, chocolate, iced coffee with half and half, bread, ham and Swiss croissants, pretzels, donuts, bagels, crackers, cookies, English muffins.
7. I am a mom, though. Dan and I take turns cooking dinner for the family. That is tricky. Punch loved the lean, seasoned steak I had tonight. I made her a sweet potato and really wanted some, but can only have once or twice a week, so I held off. Likewise, she loves corn on the cob but corn is not on my list. Winter squash is, and I plan to roast some butternut chunks tomorrow. 
8. Recommended to only weigh yourself once a month. So I recorded my starting weight.
9. Writing and taking a look inside yourself is also a part of this. I am doing it.

Good night to you.

Good Night, Hopeful

TCOY

1. Walked almost an hour w Sug this pretty day.
2. Have new pared-down eating plan w new OA sponsor. Wish me luck. I warned Dan that I might be grouchy [because I could be starving]. How will that be any different? he said. 
3. Went to helpful class.

Still off the Rails

TTY tomorrow.

With love,
Alice

GOOD CHOICES/BLUE SKY

1. Went to Joe's 8 a.m. yoga + restorative class. Yay!
2. Had a smallish corned beef reuben on rye for early lunch--not Carnegie Deli mile-high, mind you. I once read that sauerkraut curbs cravings when you're hungry, which always makes the humble reuben more attractive. I enjoyed it--toasty, warm and dripping with Russian dressing.
3. Many tumblers of ice water at my desk.
4. Just went to Whole Foods and stocked up on filling things I can enjoy: hummus, fish, bananas, peanut butter, grass-fed yogurt and butter, whole-grain bread and for a breakfast treat, some lavender goat cheese to put on the toasted bread.
5. Got a bag of nice Irving Farm Coffee Roasters blend at LOCAL for us to brew at home. We don't have an espresso machine or, for that matter, a milk frother, and I've been getting into a $4.75 or $5 [plus $1 tip] large, hand-crafted [not Starbucks] latte habit. That's a lotta lettuce, though I don't splurge every day. I can make some nice French-press potfuls at home with the coffee I bought.

POOR CHOICES/RED LIGHT 

1. That giant, almost pillowy inside Cafe au Lait doughnut from DOUGH in Brooklyn, sold at LOCAL in Montclair. I seemed unable, or unwilling, to resist it. The cafe au lait part is in the icing. And I succumbed after yoga class! What's wrong with this picture? Virtue vs. villain. One trap: I hadn't eaten breakfast, because I can't before yoga--so I was hungry.
2. The Ritter milk chocolate espresso bar [serves 2], bought at Watchung Deli when I went in for the reuben. I have not succumbed to one of those bars in years! I have to say it was delicious. But it was as though that high and mighty doughnut with its lofty, white angel-food-cake like interior paved the way to hell. I ate almost every sweet that wasn't nailed down after that.
3. The TWO Think Thin chocolate PB protein bars. One was nice and soft and inviting, so I had two.
4. The many homemade hazelnut vanilla biscotti I devoured.
5. I did not get out and exercise.

Ice Cream & Stress

More than a bit stressful over here...one of us facing huge dental procedures and both of us fretting about accompanying costs...plus delays and glitches...and calls for soft foods like soup, puddings and yogurt. Add to that a broken fridge that we keep filling with bags of ice and a car with no working AC. Hoping to get the latter fixed tomorrow. 

One of us bought a pint of Talienti pale green pistachio ice cream for the dental patient but the latter didn't get home till 7 and the ice cream was rapidly melting in bum freezer. So one of us ate the whole pint. Mistakes were made, one silver spoonful at a time.

Good night.

Candle Lit Yoga & Lavender Cream

My friend Sue told me about a Candle Lit Yoga class in nearby Verona. I went tonight at 8 and loved it! What a gift. At the end, the teacher went around and massaged our feet with lavender lotion. Gift, gift. Check Star Seed Yoga, but it has a new owner and will be closed for two weeks to freshen up. So grateful Sue told me. This could be life-changing.

TCOY

1. Boot camp; lots of weight training. Liked it.

2. Figgy and I both downloaded the Positivitea app on our phones. And our instant reward was a free organic tea. Fig got hot, I got iced, but we both chose white pomegranate. So good! Then we each got a black bean jr. burger. I love the rewards program. Buy 10 sandwiches, get 11th free. Our fridge is still broken; groceries out in snow. Repairman coming Friday. Can't wait.

3. Me being me, I asked yoga teacher Nina about the brand of lavender lotion and she said Avalon. I went right to Whole Foods to find some. And also bought a great-looking, hot pink raw food cookbook there.

4. Walked Sug around block.

Six White Horses

Things seem to be falling into place, with the love of God and six white horses, as Father Gibney used to say with a smile in the Trophy Room [yes, we had one] at Saint Mary's School. Moey and I were just talking about him recently. Good night to you.

TCOY

1. Doctor checkup. Felt good about it.
2. Let me list the healthy/delicious foods I ate today: kale salad with avocado; oatmeal with almonds and dried cherries; hot tea with half and half; hummus; cashews.
3. Nap, to lick this cold.
4. A little leisure reading.
5. Private Benjamin. [Therapy never really gets easy, does it? Helpful, yes. Easy, no.]
6. Spent more time on the phone with Fitbit support. Missing my tracker, because I like to try to get 10,000 steps, and I like the Tory Burch band I wear it in. Fibit is sending a replacement; my charger won't recharge.

Supercrank (Me, Not Harriet)

Harriet Tubman statue in Harlem. Some details on her skirt
show the faces of passengers
on the Underground Railroad.

Ah, a nice blank page to vent. Grateful for that. Let me count the reasons why I'm cranky.

1. This Whole Life Challenge is hard; especially the part about no chocolate and candy. If you do have a serving of those, you subtract a point from your 5 nutrition points earned for the day. Believe you me, I could really get into some fine dark chocolate right about now or a nice thick slice of fudge layer cake. I could get lost in the best cup of hot cocoa with a thick pillow of whipped cream. I've had a long, rough day. I just had several Lily's stevia-sweetened dark chocolate chips.
2. I spent from 2ish to 5ish coaxing Punch to do a school project. Just ask me about Harriet Tubman. Born 1820 in Maryland, though it could have been 1822, since close records weren't kept. Eight siblings. Was named Araminta, nickname Minty, but changed her name to Harriet, after her mom, at age 13. They lived in a one-room cabin and were slaves on a plantation. Her mother was a cook, her father hauled wood. By age 6, Minty had been loaned out as a babysitter and been responsible for checking the muskrat traps. She soon plowed fields. She was beaten and whipped, very painful facts. Around age 27, in 1849, Harriet escaped via Underground Railroad to Philadelphia. Soon, she was making mission upon mission, 13 of them, to help family and friends escape to freedom. She died in 1913 at age 91. And I know all this because Punchy had to choose an African-American who had an impact on society. It took everything I had to sit there and have her write all the facts on pieces of paper, which we glued to the timeline, which was made on the flat part of the cardboard L.L. Bean box that contained the yellow sweater I got H. for Christmas. Without chocolate to soothe me, I was very, very cranky. Giving over a Sunday afternoon is not one of my strengths. I was also trying hard to have Punchy learn to research, gather facts and write them down in an orderly fashion without me doing it for her. In spite of myself, I liked learning about Harriet Tubman. What a brave, kind and remarkable woman. I would love to see the statue of her that stands in Harlem.
3. We were late for Mass, and I've caught the cold Punchy and Figgy brought home, and our fridge stopped working yesterday, and our milk and butter are out in the snow. That was Sis's idea, and a good one. But I brought some expensive things, like medicines and Vegenaise, to my next-door neighbor Julie's fridge. But yeah, I'm pretty cranky about having to walk out to the snow when I want a cup of milk or yogurt. And we just finally replaced our dishwasher; not in the mood to spend on a fridge. 
4. Cherry on top: The $50 gift card Tory Burch company sends me every year to use during my birthday month was not redeemable. It's good until 11:59 tonight, and we were short on funds, so I didn't get around to shopping online until last night. But then a message popped up saying the code had already been redeemed. I called right away, and the rep saw the same message online, and said she had to send it to the promotion people, and they won't be in until tomorrow. If some glamour thief stole my Tory gift, there's big trouble afoot!!!!!

Well, I better move on. Good night.

TCOY

• Saw pretty pink sunset with Punch and Sug.
• A tiny bit of quiet prayer.
• I see my faults; I pray that I can do better.

Fell off Wagon

I won't lie. They're very good.

It all started with putting a small[ish] package of organic dark chocolate sandwich cookies [on sale] in my cart at Whole Foods this morning, because Punchy's classmate was coming to play after school. Cue little red devil dancing on shoulder.

Do you want any special snack for your play date? I had asked in the morning.

Kiwi, Punch said. What an odd and healthy child. If my Mom had ever asked me, I would have listed Chips Ahoy, Doritos and donuts. [My friend Irene had those in her snack cabinet. And she had a color TV!]

And though I did get five furry brown kiwis, I didn't leave well enough alone. 

I think I ate eight of the cookies throughout the day. The package has been banished now to the milkbox on our stoop now.

Her playmate didn't want any. Sigh.

Do the next right thing. Gnite.

TCOY

1. Did eat healthy foods, too, including broccoli, sautéed mushrooms, olives and a chicken sausage. 

2. Interviewed cool designer today and wanted to sit at desk and write/submit 500-word piece tonight. It's late! But I was starting to overeat to steel myself. So I'm going to bed now, 9:30, and hope to get an early start.

Logging off

One part of the Whole Life Challenge is making lifestyle changes. This week, our team leader, Alma, said to turn off electronic devices for 1 hr daily. Since I haven't done that yet today, doing it now.

Good night.

TCOY

Since the Whole Life Challenge is one big TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF [TCOY] effort, involving everything from nutrition to sleep, hydration to journaling, I've been slacking off on my TCOY lists. But today:

1. Indoor boot camp.

2. Applied rose beauty cream.

3. Hit 10,000 steps on Fitbit.

4. Made cocoa kale shake; black beans and brown rice; broccoli with anchovies and capers.

8 Steps, Baby & Giant

Today was day 4 of the Whole Life Challenge, which goes til March 11. I've happily made some discoveries while attempting to crowd out chocolate, candy, white sugar, white flour, bread, pasta and cheese:

1. I have more energy.
2. I like steel-cut oatmeal. Of course, it's frigid out, and oatmeal is a comfort. This morning, after 8 a.m. yoga and meditation class, I had to drive past the Whole Foods in West Orange. I got the hot oatmeal with raisins and I added dried cherries, fresh blueberries, sliced almonds [all from the food bar] and a splash of cream from the coffee bar. It was delicious. I took home the part of the cup I hadn't finished and had it as a snack later. Yum.
3. Stonyfield Organic 100% Grassfed Yogurt is a rich find. Tangy and good. A six-ounce container of the plain white cream is 120 calories and very satisfying. Having one now for bedtime snack. Here's the label image: 
   
4. Baked sweet potatoes are my friend. And I can have with a pat of butter and a sprinkle of sea salt.
5. Journaling helps. My friend Sue told me to try first-person, positive affirmations. Did for the first time today. 
6. Weird shakes require bravery but are filling. That chocolate avocado kale smoothie I made on day 1 was--interesting. Here is the LINK. If I had the peppermint oil, I think it would have been much better. I might make tomorrow with orange extract from my cupboard. Good way to get your veggies. But much too filling before exercise class.
7. I can let it pour. I love milk, and on the Kick-Start level [easiest of the three], I can have my milk. Yum. A nice cold glass of organic low-fat milk is dreamy.
8. 77 oz. of water is a boatload. You calculate how much to drink based on your weight. It's hard to hit this mark. But today at yoga, I overheard one woman say to another that she drinks a gallon of water a day, especially in winter, to hydrate.

TCOY

• Yoga + meditation class. Teacher Julie Harris just returned from trip to India and is even wiser. Today's message was about how not knowing is the path/willingness to knowing.
• Healthy foods: Oatmeal, fruit, sweet potato, roast turkey, peanuts, hot tea, green beans, brown rice, tofu, leftover meat loaf, Stonyfield yogurt. Small amounts of sweets, such as a small macaron, free sample at La Maison du Chocolat.
• Figgy started classes today at Montclair State, and is fully moving back home by February 1. I made vegan dinner and dessert for her and her friend. Surprising, but even H. liked the baked ziti. Did a nice sauce with San Marzano diced tomatoes, and used vegan mozzarella-style shreds and Kite Hill ricotta made from almond milk. I just had a couple tastes, because I'm not supposed to eat pasta. Had leftovers of other foods.
• I made this luxe chocolate cake [in 13 x 9 inch pan] vegan by using egg replacer powder for the 3 eggs and almond milk instead of regular milk. I made a quick, shiny dark chocolate glaze from the tried-and-true Cake Bible, with semisweet chocolate but coconut oil instead of butter, and a little each of water, vanilla extract and corn syrup. Love this brand, below. I'm a cake snob, so if I'm not baking from scratch, I want a high-end mix. I ate a couple forkfuls of the cake. The girls loved it. So did our sitter, Elaine. Today is her bday and I sent home half the rectangle with her.
  
• 
  

Day 2, Eat More Vegs to Crowd out Junk [EMVTCOJ]

Today I made Chef Bertolli's Cauliflower Soup from food52.com. I used a giant head of organic cauliflower, an onion, a little olive oil and fleur de sel [told you, my new best friend]. I added one veggie bouillon cube and some fresh sage browned in olive oil. Freshly ground black pepper on top.

It was really good. But can I come to wax poetic about vegs the way i can about sweets? Melty, midnight-dark chocolate fudge and a wedge of layer cake so moist and tender it brings up country fairs and children's birthday parties?

Let me try. I dipped the old silver spoon into my Tory Burch spongeware bowl, scooping up the sustenance and dunking bites of buttered wheat toast. So simple and so soothing, and I marvel at the fact that a whole head of cauliflower cooked down to this baby food treat.

Eat More Vegs to Crowd out Junk: EMVTCOJ.

TCOY

1. Looked at manger after Mass.

2. Walked a loop at Anderson Park w Punch.

3. Walked Sug.

4. Lit pretty red tapers to soften kitchen chores.

5. Napped and read Four Midwestern Sisters' Christmas Book, which I like rereading every year. 

Death Wish?

Warning: This topic is heavy and might be disturbing. Many people I hold close read my blog. I don't want to worry you. I want to face facts myself by writing this.

You already know I am one big paradox wrapped up in ribbons and bows. I try not overeating on sweets, but I adore baking and have an arsenal of the very best baking books. I have loved to bake since girlhood, and to give treats to family and friends. I am overweight and I exercise but still struggle with a big Santa belly.

Well, H. was away in the San Francisco area for two nights. I have sleep apnea, as confirmed maybe 8 years ago in an overnight sleep study in a hospital. It was one of the most horrendous experiences I have ever endured. Wires and electrodes all over and a mask that frightened me and a promise from the nurse that I could get her if I felt I could not breathe. But then she did not come, at least once. A medical supply company came to deliver a mask and a machine after that study and I would not accept it. The thought of being tied to having to use a machine every night, especially since I love to travel on road trips, was terrifying. My doctor encouraged me to use a machine, but I declined. He also said that losing some weight would improve my sleep apnea, so I grabbed onto that hope.

Fast forward to last night. Going to bed, reviewing the sweets I had eaten in a single Thursday, below. Praying to God, again. Holding my belly, again. Dear God, what is the answer?

• 1 smallish chocolate cupcake from Little Daisy Bake Shop when walking back from town.
• 1 mini chocolate cupcake from Little Daisy, when Punch wanted to go in on our way to jewelry holiday party at 7:45 p.m.
• 1 small cookie at the party.
• 1 thick slice of the world's best gingerbread loaf, buttery and fragrant--Punch chose it at Little Daisy, took one bite. I put it in freezer to save for her and then ate it with a glass of cold milk at 11 p.m.
• 1 of the foil-wrapped Rocher chocolates Punchy proudly bought with her own money and has been doling out carefully [to herself and her pal Rowan].

Fast forward to about 3 a.m. I woke up struggling to breathe. I could not get any air in. Thank God I woke up, sat up and struggled, finally able to get some air into my lungs. Thoughts of a classmate's older brother who died so young, in his sleep, at a hotel, I think. Something about a breathing problem or obstruction. Little Punch was sleeping soundly right across the hall; Sug was curled up in donut position on our bed. H. was not by my side. He tells me that I have bad apnea and he has to tell me to roll over, etc.

Is this God's answer? 

I am willing to give up sweet treats in moderation so that I will be healthier. I am not willing to give them up entirely. It is December, and I am planning certain days to bake and give.

I hope and pray, pray and hope. But this was very, very scary. I think my apnea is worse when I eat sweets and milk right before bed, so maybe I could at least not do that?

Thank you for listening to my tapped words.

I would love to know what you think, but even that frightens me. If I would have to endure another sleep study in order to get the equipment, I'm not sure that I can. Not unless H. or someone else spends the night there with me.

Signing off,
Frightened to Death? 

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park.
2. Walked Sug.
3. Hot tea.

The No Cookie, Cake, Candy, Ice Cream & Pastry "Diet"

This Sunday will mark four weeks since I decided to stop eating sweet treats--because my moods were erratic and I was acting evil to my family. By the grace of God, I was able to step back and see myself screaming and being evil--or rather, to see a stranger I didn't recognize doing that. I clearly remember where I was standing, what I was wearing and what time it was: 11:22 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

I've had no sweet treats with few exceptions: An occasional Lily's stevia-sweetened chocolate bar, apple cake made at home with very little sugar and maybe some jam on a roll or toast. [I did make two cake exceptions this weekend--to try a special praline ice cream cake that someone's Dad sells to fancy restaurants in NYC and to sample a piece of my childhood friend Irene's cannoli sheet cake. But then I jumped swiftly back on the bandwagon. Sugar addict that I am, in the past I would have had more than one slice of the ice cream cake and a whole plate of desserts on the cannoli cake party day.]

I weighed myself today and have lost 5 pounds.

I am encouraged. And I feel better, too.

A Random List of Diet Advice

Over the years, I've visited a small boatload of nutritionists in a quest to slim down. My physicians have also pitched in with their insights and hints [once, even the doctor who did my colonoscopy]. It's half common sense, half folklore, but you want to believe it--just as when I was a teen, I believed when Donna said to sleep with your bra on and my friend Linda said to spray perfume not just on your neck but in your hair, too. Every now and then, I shake my palm and see the nutritionists' wisdom, like well-worn river stones. Their advice was plainly put. Here goes:

• It's much easier to gain weight when you're pregnant than it is to take it off later. Said my male ob/gyn in downtown NYC. I do wish I'd listened more closely.
• You will eat a handful of nuts every day. Almonds or walnuts, said the kind female doctor in Montclair, when I went for a physical and told her I was trying to lose weight. She was sweet, and said it with a smile. I got a jar of nuts on my way home.
• Have hot cereal for breakfast.  Words from a registered dietitian who met me at her dining room table in suburbia. The idea was to fill up on grains early in the day.
• Put skim milk in your iced coffee, with just a splash of half and half. From the pretty blonde in pumps and nice outfits whose office was across from Tiffany & Co. on Fifth Avenue.
• Take the stairs. That from the graying doctor who did my colonoscopy, over near Central Park. I promise you, if you take the stairs instead of the elevator, you will lose weight.
• Wear sneakers. See what we're wearing? said my favorite doctor, nodding toward his and his nurse's sneaks. Yes, yes, I see. And when I brought him my best dark-chocolate dipped biscotti in a jar one December, he said, I loved them, but you could have brought me a jar of celery sticks and I'd be happy, too. That doctor has such a good heart, I mean it.

Off to my next task, and then good night.

TCOY

1. Oatmeal with apple for breakfast. Turkey and Swiss in hand for midday hunger. Part of a farm carrot. Planned what I ate and ate what I planned, for the most part. This weather makes me want to hibernate and lay on butter, but I made good choices.