Hard Truths & Soft Landings

HARD TRUTHS

• We cannot control other people and the choices they make, though we can be a good influence via the way we live.
• We cannot buy a gold foil box of fancy butter cookies on a whim at ShopRite and expect to stop at the serving size [two cookies].
• We cannot set and enforce boundaries within a family if we can't sit comfortably with the itchy/guilty/doubtful/second-guess feelings those boundaries inevitably bring on for one or both parties.
• Therapists do not know everything, though many of them know a lot.
• Teenagers are a rare and complicated breed of bird. They are elusive, alternately showy and stealthy, hard to capture, look substantial but are fragile and featherlight--and sing a birdsong all their own as they fly from tree to tree or brood in the branches. They speak their own language, keep their own hours and are not always very practical, what with following a flock and/or building a home from someone else's discarded yarn or twine. Yet somehow by the grace of God and good fortune, they make it work. Some of them stay up all night and then rise early in the morning. Some have a lot of growing up to do until they can safely leave the nest.
• No one is perfect. We are all works in progress.

SOFT LANDINGS

• We can be there for our children even when they are difficult. Our love can be warm even when our boundaries may seem cold.
• Children need and like simple things, like good food in the fridge, clean dishes and towels, toothpaste, fresh fruit. It's easy enough to supply those things as long as you have the money and time.
• Naps are a beautiful gift from God.
• Taking care of your teeth makes you feel better.
• Curling up with a good book is one of life's greatest pleasures.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Private Benjamin.
2. Made homemade tomato sauce from NY Times Magazine, using two large cans of whole imported organic tomatoes from Italy. And sauteed baby spinach with Punch.

Ghost from the Past

He snuck a gift set of this under my Christmas tree right before breaking up.

My life this week--and my talking GPS--has put me on a road that passes the place where someone I dated seriously still works, as far as I know. The road also winds by a restaurant we went to.

It's a strange feeling. Someone could still choose to hold a part of you....your words, your actions. How you wore your hair, the trip you took, the cake you baked, the perfume you wore back then [Anais Anais].

The huge red box of valentine chocolates, the day he met your grandmother, the hurt and puzzlement you felt at the end. The long phone conversations. The letters you wrote. Your younger heart. Your trust.

That's the risk with romance. You give things away that you can't retrieve. And then sometimes life's road takes you past them again and you can't help but be wistful.

Good night. Thankful for my H., who chose to love me back forever.

TCOY 

1. I made that healthy breakfast Amy inspired, and it was so good. Sauteed some onion in a dab of butter, added 2 eggs and handfuls of fresh spinach, then crumbled on a little feta. Ate with a few drops of hot sauce, sprinkle of sea salt and slice of whole-grain toast, lightly buttered.
2. Brought an orange for lunch.
3. Enjoying the book The Writer on Her Work.
4. Watched the 2012 documentary "Bill W." on demand tonight. It's about Bill Wilson, who founded Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1930s. Fascinating story. A friend recommended it.
5. Just washed a load of delicate laundry.
   

$35 Oatmeal for One

I woke early and spent luxurious time while Figgy slept. I cleaned out my totebag, laptop bag and wallet....it felt so good. We have been living out of our satchels, it seemed, with no power or heat. Found crumpled receipts for the hard-won milk I finally tracked down, the lemon Lysol to clean out the fridge.....my friend/college roommate Meggy always liked to clean out her purse when she came to visit me at the shore.....

Also found info from a Salvation Army lunch I attended, with ways to help....I think I will.

On that note, how wasteful our room service breakfast just was. We ordered two oatmeals with brown sugar, walnuts and cranberries. I also ordered a pitcher of milk to pour on it, thinking it would be one of those little creamers. But it was a glass carafe for $8. Somehow I just spent $35 and Fig only took a couple spoonfuls; she didn't like it, said it was gluey. Good thing I brought some Clif Bars.

Mine was good with that milk on top. And healthy.

But:
2 oatmeals $12
milk           $8
room ser.   $5
tip              $5

that adds up to $30....and there were taxes, etc.....yikes, this is why we can't get room service!

Enjoy your day.

Life as a Series of Unhealthy Paradoxes

• We want our country to be fitter but we roll out car after car with multiple cup holders, the better to accommodate our drive-through visits to Dunkin' Donuts, Starbucks and McDonald's.
• We want to target the readers who buy magazines, but that means putting conflicting messages on the same cover: "Lose 10 Pounds Fast" and "Prizewinning Pies."
• We want to be green but we also want the convenience of things we can tuck in our backpacks and purses: plastic bottles of water, little shots of Naked juice, mini yogurt cups. All packaged in materials that we have to remember to recycle.
• We want our lovely young daughters and sons to take pride in and love themselves as a whole--their bodies, their brains, their talent, their hearts--yet we raise them in a society that puts a high premium on skinny-skinny and markets jeans in size 00.
• We want to sit on the couch and watch a gazillion cooking shows but some of us never get to the store and into the kitchen to fix our families healthy meals.
• We want to have real heroes and role models but more often than not, the only stargazing we do is in front of the idiot box, watching the fictional women of Wisteria Lane. Who are famously attractive and thin.

 TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park, gorgeous day.
2. Hot bubble bath.
3. Lots of ice water.
4. Thinking, thinking: one day at a time. Have to start somewhere, even if it's with a feeling of fullness.
5. Going to bed now.

Hard Truths

This was pricey [$5.79] but I was in a hurry.
Very good with fresh veggies on the side.
I'd like to find a nice homemade version, too.

1. Some problems take a long time to solve. As in a long, long, long, long time. That is a concrete fact. And quite sobering.
2. It takes work and valiant effort to slog through them. Give yourself a pat on the back.
3. Many people are talented. Their talent does not subtract from or add to yours. It's a free country. This land has bred a gazillion gifted people, from Marie Curie to Albert Einstein, Picasso to Monet, Dorothy Parker to David Sedaris. What matters is that you use your gift. [After writing this one, I realize it is both for me and for my Figgy. She's an amazing artist but a lot of her friends happen to be amazing artists, too. I think it can be hard to honor your own talent in a crowded field.]
4. The road to self-improvement is a tricky slope; it can trip you up, for sure. And if you're lucky enough to see some glorious wild roses along the way, you must also contend with the thorns around them [the temporary setbacks, the reality checks, the disillusionment, as in--Can I ever really get there? Can I ever really do this?]
5. If they're giving away free mini York Peppermint Patties at the supermarket [left from Easter], only take one. If you take three, thinking you will share them with the people at your house, you are only kidding yourself. You won't.
6. You will see photos of yourself that you hate. But here's the choice: Dismiss them from your mind and move on [you were in an unflattering position, and your hair was sweaty, and that's not how you see yourself, anyway] or allow them to throw you off course and lead you down a dark road--as in, I look awful anyway, so what difference will a donut make? That's called trick photography.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp!
2. Walked Sug around block twice--once at 10 P.M., with nice breeze blowing.
3. Deadheaded pansies, pulled out shriveled hyacinths so new ones have space to shoot up and show off.
4. TCO Figgy and Private Benjamin. And as a parent, it sometimes feels as though Taking Care of Figgy helps with Taking Care of Me. Especially with some tough stuff. If Figgy were left to flounder, I would flounder, too.
5. Nap.
6. Got healthy Amy's frozen enchilada dinner since ate alone at 9 P.M.; had with fresh tomato slices and steamed cauliflower. Wanted to make spinach and white bean soup but too late at night.
7. Ice water.
8. Tracked my daily spending in my special journal.

Hard Truths & Soft Landings

1. HARD TRUTH: Problems exist. They can weigh you down, make you feel like you can't walk or run or be graceful to others you encounter in your life--the employee at the CVS pharmacy, the cashier at Kings. Like today, when Figgy had a painful eye infection and it took me 45 minutes to find the eye care center in a nearby town. I've been there before, but mounting stress, even panic, did me in. I stopped and asked three people before we finally arrived, almost 45 minutes late. I regret my behavior in the car: cursing, yelling, feeling on the verge of road rage, saying terrible things. That's not me. I am not proud.
Soft Landing: When you lose your cool, you're pretty much only hurting yourself and anyone else with you. It is better to be graceful. Even if you have to dig deep down to access such grace and beauty. People dive for pearls, don't they?
2. HARD TRUTH: You can't be all things to all people.
Soft Landing: You can triage, like nurses and doctors do, taking the most serious cases first. 
[Per wikipedia: Triage is the process of determining the priority of patients' treatments based on the severity of their condition. This rations patient treatment efficiently when resources are insufficient for all to be treated immediately. The term comes from the French verb trier, meaning to separate, sort, sift or select.]
3. HARD TRUTH: Life, and winter, can be icy and cold--limiting.
Soft Landing: Underneath all that snow are the special tulip bulbs you planted with the lovely young girl next-door--in her garden and yours. They store up their magic in those papery packages, waiting until the thick, frigid blanket is gone. Then: amazing grace. Slender green stems that hold their heads high--ruffly petals, classic yellows, Dutch reds.

Good night. May your pillow be soft beneath your head.

Hard Truths & Soft Landings

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cookies, photo by "honey drizzle" @ flickr.com.
 I could not co-exist peacefully in a house with these.

Hard Truths

1. Sometimes it's impossible to co-exist with a treat in the house. Maybe Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, whipped salted butter and fresh semolina bread, or tall chocolate layer cake. Tonight, I took a wedge of pumpkin pie back from the lobby Halloween party--ostensibly for Figgy, who announced that she loves all things pumpkin this month. I already ate half of it. It's me or the pie, but not both of us. Might be healthier if I realized that going in. Figgy was at art class, dabbling in oil paint, while I was dabbling in that cool custard filling.
2. Working at home takes discipline. And great strength, to resist the urge to: make a broccoli Swiss quiche with homemade butter crust [using part whole-wheat flour]; prune the pink and white petunias in the window boxes; write thank-you notes; read a book or magazine; nap; do laundry; walk the dog in the rain; talk on the phone; visit Dad; watch a movie; or even clean the floor [anything vs. park butt on chair and work]. But the truth is, I don't let myself watch TV or movies during what should be work time....that, I fear, would be the point of no return.
3. Nursing homes are a lonely last stop. No matter if the staff is hardworking and cheerful, the activities well planned, the administrators' hearts big and brimming. When it comes right down to it, the old people do not want to be there. I wish I could say otherwise. I can't. 
4. Stress is a beast. Yes, sometimes it can work in your favor--like a shot of espresso to pump you up and help you complete something. But mostly it's bad, and jittery, and scary. Heavy to hold and daunting. A lot for your little heart to bear. Yet really, that's the outer monster of stress. Inside, it's just layers and layers of fear, feelings and tasks to peel back, face, handle. Then you can manage to smile along the way without gritting your teeth.  

Soft Landings

1. Nurses are knights in white cotton. They engage in hand-to-hand combat, but gracefully. They attend to catheters, hook up feeding tubes, insert IVs in tired veins, change the Depends. They lift and roll, transport and bathe. They nobly bring medicine in tiny white pleated cups. They preserve dignity, by helping someone brush his teeth, or comb his hair. They call an old man honey, or babe. They make him smile. He is so grateful when someone hears him, and pays attention to his wants and needs.
2. We're all in this together. Like yesterday, when I met a woman going up on the elevator at Mountainside Hospital and a man going down. I admired the woman's immaculate, snow-white fleece vest, the long pearls over the red shirt. You look pretty, I said. I like what you're wearing. Thank you, she said, with a smile. Except my hair. They left the toner on too long and it's orange. I told her I thought it looked pretty anyway, which it did. I didn't notice any orange tint. On the way down to the lobby later, I met a very nice man about a foot shorter than me. I hate this place, he said, but not bitterly. I've spent way too much time here. Turns out his dad was there, and later died, and now his mom was there. Life can really get ugly sometimes, I said with a sigh of resignation, as we dropped our badges in the basket. I dread the day my father dies. Yes, he said. It can get ugly and it DOES get ugly. We both laughed lightly. It's either laugh or cry, sink or swim as you carry on. I felt boosted up, knowing I'm not alone. We're all shouldering part of the burden, part of the sadness and regret. We are the witnesses, standing by and observing. Witnesses to the part of the journey that's rocky, unsteady, uncertain. To the part that is so much harder for an older person to navigate. Dad designed and tarred his own winding garden path, changed his own oil, cleaned his own gutters. But now--now--that's just a glimpse of what was.
3. Family makes a difference. Yes, your hand on your dad's shoulder while he waits 15 minutes on a stretcher in the hallway, your time by his bed [talking to him about President Jimmy Carter, who's on the TV], your parking on the street and walking to the hospital and getting a badge and going up the elevator matters. It all matters--Will's Saturday morning visits from NYC and black licorice deliveries; Sis and Don's dedicated Wednesday shifts, coming all the way from Connecticut; H. and Figgy popping in; Sug settling in for a nap with the Grandpa she loves; Punch stretching out on the bed beside him. It counts. Even [or especially] when you're tired, and pulled in a few different directions and worried about your responsibilities as a mom to the teen at home. It really does matter.
4. Even in Jersey, drivers can be nice. Someone pauses, waits and blinks their lights to signal after you instead of barreling by, so you can turn onto a busy road. Small gestures of kindness can make a big, big difference in your day.

Good night.

Hard Truths & Soft Landings

Hard Truths:

• You are a work in progress. And today, your very human self may or may not have eaten too many lightly salted nuts and dark M&Ms--even though inner voice [and imagined kind voices of boot camp leader, Patsy, and boot camp friends, Heidi and Nicky] told you to just leave them on the CVS shelves and walk away. At some level, you knew that crunching the sweet and salty morsels between teeth would feel good, empowering even, on a day with many weighty tasks and problems you wished could disappear. Can't fix the world but can shatter brittle, brightly colored M&M shells and knobby cashews with a fierce bite. [What do you think you are, a squirrel fattening up for the winter? Fortifying yourself against anxiety, sadness and pain?]
• Bad feelings haunt you for a while. Regrets don't fade fast. They're like ugly gray beasts that slink around following you, trying to ruin your day. And the thing is, you can't make them disappear. They are regretful precisely because they're in the past and you can't change them, only the way you look at them.
• The more negative you are, the more the beasts will trail you.
• Inevitably, others will disappoint you and you will disappoint others. Perhaps most painful of all, sometimes you will disappoint yourself. 

Soft Landings:

• A friend who listens is a graceful gift.
• So is forgiveness, and you really have to remember to give that gift to yourself, not just to others.
• Every single day, hour, minute and breath is a new chance to turn and face the sun.
• No one is perfect. 
• It will be all right.

Hard Truths: Judgment Day

Earlier in my life, I judged people for things I thought were lazy, phony, irresponsible, unthinkable, unlikely or a lot of stuff and nonsense. Now that I'm older, wiser and wearier, I'm much better at quieting the critic and accepting things as they are. Who am I to judge? Here, the top 10 things I once judged as beneath me or completely foreign but now consider to be perfectly acceptable, or at least not my business to gauge:

1. Baskets of unfolded laundry in the living room--clean or dirty.
2. Chipping paint, worn floors, outdated linoleum, a roof that looks like it's about to cave in--and lots of clutter.
3. Overgrown grass.
4. Cakes made from an ordinary supermarket mix, with store-bought icing [still not my personal choice, but have had many by friends that I've thoroughly enjoyed--and kids often love them best of all].
5. Overdue bills paid on payday--sometimes even in person.
6. Shoes with worn-down heels.
7. Depression so heavy that you can't get out of bed.
8. Treating your dog like an honest-to-God child.
9. Using bad language. [I have to say, this saddens me. I want to change back--not to judge others, but to feel better about myself.]
10. Kids' rooms that look like pigpens.

Nothing teaches tolerance like life itself.

Hard Truths: Gorillas in the Mist

Warning: Depressing content.

Some ugly truths will haunt you through your life--like powerful, chest-beating, strutting wild beasts whose shape you can still see through the mist of time. Even though you're older, and wiser, and softer and harder, and have weathered a lot, you never forget the stark moments that stood out in your life, that showed you that the world could be a cold place. Even if you were the one making it colder. I don't know why I'm thinking of these gorilla/guerrilla moments today, but I am. Dark and dreary, I know. Sorry!

1. My bad. I was really mean one time in particular. My friend V. coaxed me to write a hate note to N., our friend/her rival down the street. We said N.'s hair looked like spinach; we left the note in her black metal mailbox. I don't remember how we signed it. How awful, how devastating. I had a mind of my own; I can't believe I did that. It makes me sad for N. Especially because I now see, in retrospect, what a rough life she had, with a mean, difficult dad who wore windbreakers and drank too much. Wherever you are, N., I hope you still have that pretty red hair you had. It did not look like spinach at all.

2. Stranger danger. There was a girl I knew only by name; she went to the public school, I went to the Catholic school. One day we were passing each other on the sidewalk by Bedford Park and I smiled at her. My reward was a one-word reply--a distasteful four-letter word that I will not put here. At the time, in my naivete and sheltered childhood, I had no idea what it meant. Puzzled, I told my mom, who was standing near her sliding bedroom closet door at the time, and didn't do such a clear job of explaining it, either. But if I ever want to feel bad easily, I can immediately call up the harshness of that moment. We didn't even know each other! It's a naked fact--people can hate you without even knowing a thing about you.

3. Back stabbers. Ah, there's the rub. These are the people who act one way to you at work and then stab you in the back when you're not looking. I remember in particular a woman in accounting, who was really nice to my boss but hated me for some reason. And her assistant told me what she said about me. Ouch. Double ouch. I was all of 23. After that, I listened to the advice of my second boss. "CYA," she said, with her Midwestern practicality, as she peered out over her reading glasses. "Always cover your ass."

4. Death, the robber. It stole Eddie Gallagher, a nice high school classmate of ours who had a brain tumor. It stole my grandma, my grandpa, my cousin, the lovely young Andrea across the street, who limped to the stage to get her diploma and died way before her time. It snatched Irene's Papa at age 44, which seems impossibly young now.

5. Family secrets and sobering truths. Sometimes, people bring shame on the family when they get busted for pot and have to go to court, or need a drink every day at 80 years old and that upsets their wife of 50 years. Sometimes, husbands and wives yell a lot, and you can hear them when the windows are open. Sometimes, people you love fail--on yellow high school report cards, in college, in the work world--when you really had your hopes riding on them. Sometimes they mismanage their money, cheat on their current girlfriend with a visit from their old girlfriend [and ask you if you know how to get the mascara stains off their current girlfriend's towels, so she won't find out]. Sometimes, they don't share well, or they run red lights, or drive through tolls. Sometimes, they hit their kids. Sometimes, kids hit each other, or the boy next-door might choke the girl next-door when she reaches for more M&Ms from his pile. Sometimes, a boy you grew up playing Kick the Can with is later convicted of a hit-and-run accident, and he goes to jail. Sometimes, kids or adults have sex and hide it like they stole something. Other times, a person is not at all who they appear to be, and that is hard to accept. Some parents do really bad things and go to prison, and only see their kids, who still manage to adore them no matter what, at custody court dates in Newark--when Mom or Dad is wearing a bright orange jumpsuit and ankle chains. Some people never grow up, and some grow up way before they should. And it's not just a sitcom stereotype that a mother-in-law can get under your skin.

6. Lust in your heart. President Jimmy Carter admitted in a Playboy interview [November 1976] that he had "looked on a lot of women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times." That's another gorilla in the mist. Marriage can be hard, monogamy is limiting, and there will be people other than your partner who will cross your path--just once or repeatedly--and cause your heart to beat faster, make you want to dress prettier. There just will be.

Do you agree? Do you still conjure up old gorillas in the mist? I know that's a personal question, I doubt anyone will answer, but I'd love it if you would!

Hard Truths--and Soft Landings

Beware, this might be a bit depressing. Sorry about that. Life is hard sometimes. You might want to go grab a glass of Pinot Noir or a cup of hot cocoa to brace yourself. Feel free to talk me out of these views.

1. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love takes work.

2. It's called falling in love for a reason. Falling is generally not a good thing. It means you've lost your balance, let go of the handrail, slipped on the ice, fell down the stairs, tripped.

3. When you fall in love with someone, you will not be able to see farther than his hands holding yours at the table in the Italian restaurant on Ninth Avenue, where he looks so cute in his green Gap shirt and blue jeans and you are so, so happy that he feels the same way about you as you do about him. You love the way your hands feel cupped in his. You will not be able to see the devastating childhood moments, the fractures that won't be exposed until later, the things that can break a person, the holes you will not be able to fix or fill--even though he will try, in his own way, to tell you. You will not be able to see unless you get the stars out of your eyes and are really perceptive, or maybe a psychologist.

4. We all have baggage. And our partners have to watch us unpack it, all at once or in little steps.

5. Sometimes, kids hate their parents, even when the kids are adults. It seems rare, but is painful to behold.

6. Money matters. It would be nice if we were all running naked in the Garden of Eden, all equal, no one person in tattered clothes and another in a designer suit. But that's not life. Money exists, and it divides us.

7. People grow old and die, and you have to wonder where they go when that happens.

8. Babies are born to all kinds of parents, many of whom are not well-equipped to take care of them.

9. Being a grown-up is harder than being a kid, even though being a kid isn't always easy.

10. Your heart gets broken more than once in life, and it doesn't always have to do with romance, but sometimes with losing a child, a parent, or another being you truly love. And though the term is broken, it feels more leaden. Like the thing beating in your body, keeping you alive, is too heavy to cart around, and maybe you just can't do it anymore. But then you do.

Soft Landings
1. Kids start out loving their parents unconditionally.

2. Chocolate is a blessing.

3. A good wine--cold and crisp or deep and mellow--sipped with a good meal can transport you to a sun-dappled vineyard in another place, like a passport in a bottle.

4. Fashion is your friend, jewelry is a joy, and getting your hair professionally blown out can take 10 years off your look.

5. When you truly know someone, you don't have to look hard to find the little things that stand for the big things about who that person is. Like how they check a pan of seeds twice a day to see if they've sprouted, or report on a sunflower that's finally bloomed, or rock back and forth on their heels, in their clean white sneakers, when they're listening to a favorite friend talk.

6. Color lifts the spirit. Seek out a snapdragon, a dandelion, the sunset.

7. Witnessing first love, young love, is a beautiful thing. Having the privilege and honor to be close enough to bear witness to it is a precious gift.

8. Praying, and gardening, help the soul. Both involve planting seeds of hope and coaxing them along with good thoughts and a will for things to grow the way you want them to.

9. Dogs love you fiercely and truly. If you are gone for two minutes to get a quart of milk, and leave your dog tied to the post outside the store, she will act upon your return as though you have been to Switzerland and back to milk a cow yourself.

10. The French have a way of making everything sound prettier, softer and smoother, like a velvety butter sauce: mademoiselle, a la mode, beurre blanc, coq au vin, souvenir, bijoux.

11. People can change, when and if they are willing to work really, really hard. But you can only change one person: the one you see in the mirror when you brush your teeth.