Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

And those things may involve puffy powdered white donuts and a few foil-wrapped mini Reese's peanut butter cups. Even if they're factory-made, pumped out by machines, not very real.......they're compelling if you're hungry and weak and tired. And feel deprived. And/or anxious.

Again I say, I am a work in progress.

On that note, good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park. Really hard today, good for my heart.
2. Walked Sug around block.
3. Read, rested.
4. Salon blowout!!!!!!!! Budget kept me away for a while now. Feel like new woman.And luxurious shampoo/blowout with junior hair stylist @ vamphairstudio.com is $25. Prebook next one when you leave salon and you save another $5.
5. Ate an apple. Actually did. An organic Gala on sale @ Whole Foods. Nice and crisp.

Starry, Starry Night

I love the way the stars look beyond the bare winter tree branches. I stopped in the driveway tonight after I parked the car and just looked up. Then looked down our hill at NYC skyline twinkling above the rooftops at the bottom of the street. Happy to see these glittering things.

Today during boot camp--which was hard, as usual--I decided I have to get back to daily lists to be productive. I write down Life and Work, and list a lot of things under each. I wrote make this list as one of my tasks, so I could immediately check it off with pride.

I didn't do it all. But I did a fair amount. And the list really helps. I intend to do it daily. It takes intangible, scary, monstrous things in my mind and converts them into manageable tasks. Be quiet, inner voice! I can do that!

Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park. Running up steps. Ugh. But good for heart.
2. Walked Sug around block once.
3. Healthy lunch and dinner.
4. Built in rest and reading but not TOO LONG.

Mistakes Were Made

Yes, mistakes were made. But tomorrow is another day. Good night.

TCOY

1. Support group.
2. Mailed two large items from post office. Sounds odd but I want to do this more, even on a daily basis. It's the official business connection, the contact, the getting something weighed, getting it out on time as part of a team--me and the Postal Service. I told you it was odd.. What can I say. It's just I have a lot to catch up on, and getting stuff out makes me feel good....bills, correspondence, more.
3. Bought and planted some pretty new perennials to refresh the garden.
4. Weeded the back patio.

A Pocketful of Peace

Drove to Sewall Park, a patch of land on the lake, near the family's lake house. It's so quiet and lovely there. The old sign says:

SEWALL PARK

DONATED TO THE PEOPLE OF OLD TOWN

 IN MEMORY OF

JAMES WINGATE and LOUISE GRAY SEWALL

BY THEIR CHILDREN A.D. 1963

I found some solace there, and searched my heart, and thought of Dad, and other things. Life can be a puzzle. Or is it? Am I just not good at solving jigsaws?

Anyway, thank you, children of James and Louise.  Thank you, thank you, for the space to breathe and see/hear the waves on the lake shore.

TCOY

1. Sewall Park.
2. Walk on dirt road by lake.
3. Drove to this Tim Hortons in Orono to find Wi-Fi. Was first sent to Dunkin' Donuts and from there to Wendy's, but neither had one. Wendy's man sent me here.

Worn Down

Sometimes I feel worn down from trying to do everything I can to help but it still doesn't get better. But just putting that sentence down somehow makes me a tiny bit less hopeless. Good night.

TCOY

1. Productive work.
2. Private Benjamin.

Pull the Curtains on Today

Doing the best I can, one day @ a time. If I blogged 15 minutes ago, this would be a different post. But now it's dark again. Can't make out the stars. Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park.
2. Walked Sug around block once with her pal Benzy [sp] and later with H.
3. Went to P.O. and took care of things, which felt good. Happy things I sent to other people--and that made me happy.
4. Nice talk on phone with my cousin Lin.

Once Again, There Are No Words

Well, wait a minute, maybe there are:

• fiery red anger
• monster-green frustration
• impatience
• disappointment
• fury
• incomprehension
• love
• hopelessness
• disbelief
• trust
• loss of trust
• "stranger" anxiety
• compassion
• suspicion
• control, or lack thereof 
• disillusionment
• regret
• wistfulness
• envy 
• resentment
• sadness
• dismay 
• goodness
• and in the middle of it all, self-confidence and calm 

And exactly how will it help me to be in touch with my feelings? More to be revealed on that, I hope via a message from the universe. One way I know is that I am not standing at the refrigerator right now.

Grrrrrrrr. Sigh. I like to think that things are better in your neck of the woods, that there's a cozy lamp burning in the your window, that the dishes are done and the laundry is folded and you are tucked safely in bed. Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park. We did steps, runs, etc.
2. Walked Sug around block twice.
3. Bubble bath, good tooth care.
4. Short nap.
5. Opening, facing, sorting bills.
6. Cleaning my office, clearing the deck for new work efforts.
7. Small spinach salad with dinner. 
8. Candlelight in living room.
9. Important reading.

One Pair of Rose-Colored Glasses, Please

Please send them along promptly. Trying to find a bright side. Doing my best. That counts; it must.

Grateful for my friends/family and my Sis and the strength and kindness Dad left me--and for H. showing up with me to find the light. Good night.

TCOY 

1. Private Benjamin, family-style--double dipping today. Heavy. Hard work to TCOY and TCO family.
2. Walked a lot around SoHo and Upper East Side.
3. Ice water in car.

Miles to Go

So long to go, so much room for improvement. On my part. I can't seem to get it right. But tomorrow is another day. Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park.
2. Walked Sug around block once.
3. Evening yoga class with Figgy!

Pull the Curtains on Today

I really wanted to write here tonight; knew exactly what I wanted to ponder. But now I am too tired.

It was another bleak day. Dark and scary. The Edge of Night would be a fitting name--borrowed from the afternoon soap opera my grandma Alice used to religiously watch, from her old wood rocking chair in her little garden apartment in Dumont. I watched it with her sometimes; all I remember now is that some old man in a wheelchair--I think he was wearing a cardigan sweater--was living in somebody's basement and they didn't know it.

Edge of Night indeed. Good night.

TCOY

1. Nothing too TCOY except ice water. Couldn't even go to yoga b/c Fig had 9 A.M. dr. appt. and H. was flying back from San Francisco.
2. Salon blowout.
3. Nice long talk with Sis.
4. Good tooth care.
5. We saw our friends tonight at lovely Toni's Kitchen fundraiser.--for soup kitchen in town. I baked Southern coconut cupcakes and Texas chocolate cupcakes with chocolate sour cream frosting for the event and that felt good. Though there were a couple of BCs [baking casualties]--samples downed in the course of mixing, removing from cupcake tins and frosting. After all, I did have to be sure they tasted good. And they did.

The Devil Made Me Do It

Oh crap.

But when you lose, don't lose the lesson, right?

Here it is Ash Wednesday and I haven't even gotten my ashes yet. And now I've missed the times in my parish where you can just go get the ashes and the blessing--what's left is the 7:30 P.M. full Mass. So I'm going. Can't keep neglecting myself spiritually.

But the loss was: H. and I had a difficult time with something, grappling with some tough things. Then he ran home, as planned [he had worn his jogging clothes, the thick navy blue sweatpants that look so big, even though he isn't, which I was lovingly teasing him about this morning]. I drove home, with a stop at Watchung Deli to get sandwiches for dinner.

I hadn't eaten since about 1 P.M.--a light lunch--so I had a 220-calorie bag of sour cream and onion potato chips while the nice young lady made our hot sandwiches. Then I picked up and put down the box of Tastycake Powdered Sugar Mini Donuts. Picked up, put down. Picked up, put down. Yes, I'm crazy. Or an addict.

Decided yes. Then, guess what? You know the rest. I sat in the car and ate all but four of them. Those dumb little pillows of air and chemicals that aren't real at all. Not a real food, not a real deep breath, not a real way to fix, cure or soften anything. Not a real, honest-to-goodness donut, that's for sure. There are razor-sharp turns to life sometimes, and no amount of dumb little donuts can cushion them.

Okay, you're human, I said to myself as I drove home on Park Street. You screwed up. It's okay. Forgive yourself. It could have been worse. You could have eaten a whole pizza and a hot fudge sundae.

Do you have battles like this? How do you not have defeats like this? I'd love to know.

What makes me feel even worse is that it's Ash Wednesday, kickoff to Lent. I know people who give up all bread, all ice cream, all candy for all of Lent. Not only did I get a Reuben [meat], here I was downing the donuts.


TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park, beautiful day. Ran around track three times.
2. Ummm.....how can I couch this? Failed miserably, but looking at it as a chance to learn and improve? To see the forest for the trees?

X Marks the Spot

A strong, steady, even X for the positive things I did today rather than fall apart in the face of insurmountable odds:

X Boot camp in the park! Lots of sprints across width of football field, and runs up stadium steps. 
X Walked fluff ball on longish walk near hobbit house and later around block, too.
X Sent out another resume.
X 4 P.M., showered, shampooed and put on pink as a I promised myself in blog post last night--pink silk Coach neckerchief with navy-blue tank. I think it did lift my spirits and possibly also those of the people around me.
X Cup of hot tea around 4:30ish [influenced by friend/tea lover Kim].
X Worked on assignment.
X Healthy dinner--veggie burger on whole-wheat bun, fresh spinach salad, pickle. I swear that putting on the pink, etc. propelled me from one positive thing to the next.
X Small portion of good dark chocolate [and it's so midnight dark, that I wouldn't want to eat too much of it anyway].
X Wrote seven long overdue notes to friends. Feels good. Ready to go to P.O. tomorrow.

Good night and winging best wishes your way.

Courage

I need courage now, at 12:11 A.M. after the first full day of the new year. I can't tell you why. Just know that I need it.

Actually, we all need it always, don't we? But we take it for granted.

It's what propels us out of bed to face the day.....to go to school or work or stay home to raise a family...it's what prodded my frail grandmother, Alice, to walk across Washington Avenue to Grand Union to stock up on Social Teas....it's what it takes to find, and keep, a job....and what Dad had, especially at the end of his life--the bravery to smile and joke even though he was in pain and couldn't wash himself or walk....it's what writers and artists and scientists and doctors have, to make a decision and follow through on it.....it's what we do when we simply show up--at dinner, in meetings, or on the bus--with difficult people.

Anyway, I do need some courage now. Good night.

TCOY

1. Bike ride with H.! Such a pretty, unseasonably warm New Year's Day.
2. Visit to our friends' for brunch; nice to sip a mimosa and catch up.
3. Drinks with Anne, Elly and Barbara!!!!
4. Watched "Julie & Julia" with Figgy on living room couch by Christmas tree.

Article Archive: Check My Piece in Coastal Living Magazine

My life is a choppy sea right now,
but I'm still happy to have an article in the June 2011 issue.

What can I tell you, things went from bad to worse today. Sometimes I want to hop in my car and drive off into the sunset. Seriously.

But before I go, a note: If you see Coastal Living's June issue [above], my article called Add Value to Your Home: Renovations That Pay Off Big Time is on page 60.


I would say good night, but it's not bedtime yet. I lost another workday to problems, and am so stressed out about falling behind. I have to work now. I also fell very, very short of being a calm and kind person today. 


TCOY

1. Boot camp in the soccer dome.
2. Ice water.
3. Repotted ruffly lavender and white African violet for my office.
4. Walked Sug around block once.

Another Day in Helladise

Rough, rough road, but we're walking it together. Tired, must sleep. Saying prayers. Angels, angels, come our way. Wait a minute, you never even left in the first place, right? But please, make your presence known. Good night.

TCOY

1. Tag-teamed with H. so that I could do some work emails at home this morning--and wash and dry a denim skirt, so I had something clean to wear.
2. Walked poor Sug just one itty bit, out to the sidewalk and back.
3. Iced coffee at Starbucks; stared down alluring Cake Pops.
4. Called my supportive cousin, Linda.
5. Brown rice sushi from cafeteria.

The Ugly Truth: Hello from Skid Row

I could write my way to hell and back with chocolate pencils
 like these. But they are a cool idea. Check this link.

It's 2:15 P.M. on Tuesday, May 3, 2011, and I am writing to you from skid row*.


It's my own private road to dispair, which started in the car on the two-minute drive home from the supermarket and ended here at my kitchen table. I just fell off the wagon big time. It's a scary, spinning-out-of-control, giving-up-all-control, frenzied place to be. But I want to write it down so I can face how it feels.


I made a couple of mistakes, which don't work for my metabolism, starting with a bowl of Special K Chocolatey Delight with milk for breakfast @ 10 A.M. Faced with all those great choices in the cereal aisle, it's easy for me to forget that when I have cereal, it tends to be too light, resulting in overeating later. I seem to need protein. 


It was a rough morning, and after a difficult doctor's appt. with Figgy, I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for an iced coffee. I never like their iced coffee, so I shouldn't have hoped I would today. It just tastes artificial to me, empty. Not satisfying. But I was trying to make a smart choice [no chocolate Munchkins]. I then dropped Fig off, drove back to town and stopped at the supermarket to return an extra $10 bill I got last night at the store. I requested $20 back on my debit purchase, but didn't realize till today that I got three tens, not two.


By now it was about 1:45. I was hungry, and the iced coffee--the caffeine--on an empty stomach was starting to stir me into a frenzy.


I picked up and put down rich chocolate-covered pretzels. I eyed Dancing Deer brownies. I picked up and put down chocolate-covered figs from Spain. I walked away from the freezer, where Ben & Jerry's was on sale. I bought a precooked turkey burger, broccoli crunch salad and a two-pack of chocolate-chip muffins. [I had also picked those up and put them down, but now I succumbed.]


And then, in the face of four illnesses [some physical, some psychological] that are tearing my family and my life apart, I ate.

1. The tops of the two chocolate-chip muffins, starting the moment I sat down in the driver's seat and closed the car door. 
2. Entire bottom of one muffin and 1/2 of the other.
3. A two-ounce Dagoba organic chocolate bar. 
4. Last part of #3 with some Peanut Butter & Co. Crunch Time Peanut Butter. 
5. Some chocolate chocolate-chip ice cream.
6. The turkey burger. 
7. The broccoli crunch salad. 
8. One Special K Protein Meal Bar [chocolate peanut butter flavor--artificial aftertaste; I don't recommend it]

Now I feel shaky and like a failure and like Will I ever get off this road? It's so ugly, I don't like it.

And I'm remembering one very expensive nutritionist I went to for a while, paying out of pocket, maybe $100 per visit. Crazy! [Her office was across from Tiffany & Co. on Fifth Avenue and my high-profile NYC ob/gyns, a husband-and-wife team, had gone to her with great success.]

Once I complained to her about some problem, which triggered me to eat the wrong things. For blog purposes, let's say the problem was work stress.

I don't care, she said. The work stress is there anyway, whether you overeat or not. Overeating won't make it go away.

True, so true. I feel sick and sadder now, and my problems are all still there.

Well, that's my midday report from skid row. I wanted to post it right in the middle of the pain so I could be in touch with it, face it, remember it and learn to turn away from it.

Thanks for listening.


*Here's how Webster's defines SKID ROW: a district of cheap saloons and flophouses frequented by vagrants and alcoholics.
P.S. There are chocolate smudges on my keyboard.

Fail, Major Fail

Some people surely can co-exist peacefully with these--
I am not one of  those people.

I tanked miserably, but I want to face the facts.

After just shopping with Sis Saturday in Connecticut, and showing her the bag of Newman's Own Ginger-O's [creme-filled ginger sandwich cookies] and telling her I can't buy those, I can't control myself with them, they're so good, I succumbed tonight.

Yes, things have been very rough. But I stopped into Whole Foods in Montclair to get good things--a box of assorted Tazo teabags [with names like Awake, Calm and Decaf Chai] and half & half to give it a little rich kick. A big mug of something warm, soothing, nurturing, peaceful, safe.

Instead I saw the smaller bag of Ginger-O's, 9 ounces, on sale at two for $5. So I got a package. And as I plopped it in the metal cart, I thought, I should call Patsy. I have my cell phone. She'll pick up. She will tell me not to buy these, that it will be hard not to eat the whole pack. Sis would also say not to get them, for my health. Plus, these may be on sale, but you know it's no sale at all for your health.

But I didn't call. I bought the tea, the half & half and the cookies and guess what? The cookies were gone by the time I opened my car door in front of the house. Just to be perfectly honest, that bag contained 18 cookies--or nine servings. One serving [two cookies] contains 130 calories, 20 grams of carbohydrates and 13 percent of the Daily Value for saturated fat.

My Dad used to eat things in the car, too--candy he'd bought on sale at CVS, for example. It did not help that the ride home from Whole Foods took me by Van Dyk Manor, his home for the last six months of his life. I thought of the workers there, of Dad in his bed, of my many visits--day and night, sun and rain. I can't see him anymore. What's the point of eating healthfully?

Yet as a person who battles overeating, I am recording this here so it helps me and maybe even others who struggle with this. I am being real and truthful so my recovery can be real and truthful. I want to face exactly how it feels in these dark moments, so I don't forget.

Think of me as an alcoholic, lying in the gutter with a broken bottle. After all, there have been and likely still are some serious Irish drinkers in my family.

How am I any different?

Cheers.

The Road to Depression Is Paved with Cheese and Crackers

Thelma and Louise--my runaway fantasy definitely involves a car.

I pledged to be truthful here. Wish I could tell you I had a rosy day. Can't.

Did get gas at 6:50 A.M. [had just enough money on my debit card to authorize a fill], deliver Figgy where she had to be on time and get myself to boot camp, where I ran and shuffled and did step-ups on the bench. As usual, I took Sug for a walk around the block as soon as I got back from boot camp.

But after that, things converged and I collapsed like a house of cards.

I was all set to complete one deadline and make headway on another when the pressure of unpaid bills and unhappy people became too much. Things are stacked up and backed up, unknown and out of control. I felt sad, angry, helpless and hopeless. Anxious, too. I've been holding things together for a long while, and sometimes, it's just too stark, scary and hard. Sometimes I get tired of being so adult and want to curl up like a child.

Though I'd planned to make a sandwich with a little crispy bacon and fresh tomatoes on whole-grain and then get out of my workout clothes and into a nice outfit, I got a very upsetting phone call about an issue I was powerless to resolve. Instead of cooking the bacon, I turned to quick and easy Ritz crackers and Cheddar melted in the microwave, which promptly led to a scavenger hunt ending with part of a sugar-free Klondike bar [I'm not virtuous, that's all we had] with mini chocolate chips thrown in for good measure. Oh, and I heated up the oven to make three thickly sliced slice-and-bake gingersnaps, from the Alice Waters recipe.

What happened is that I felt defeated, so I reached for something else to feed or at least blanket my defeat. Soft melted cheese. Soft sweet ginger cookies right off the warm pan. Misery loves company.

Mothers Riding in Cars
Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. Like I want to drive away to a place where no one knows me, to a calm new life, in which I have a car and an apartment and write a book in cafes. There might be window boxes and blue water. I would just worry about me and leave everyone else behind to fend for themselves. Rationally, I would not do that. But I've still had those thoughts on and off lately.

After the phone call, instead of putting the car in drive and heading for the highway, I gave in to powerless sleep. I lost three hours. I did see Sis and Don, who stopped by to cheer me after a visit to Dad, and got dinner on the table with H. But did not wriggle out of workout clothes and into an easy skirt until about 9 P.M., when H. and I took Sug for a walk down to the brook near the house by the picket fence, and then back up our hill again.

But I am determined to learn from this. Inert bodies do eventually move, right?

Cheese-and-Crackers Lessons Learned--Notes to Self

1. Get dressed! Next time, after boot camp, have a snack ready [dried apricots, turkey on a piece of toast, something healthful] and then go right upstairs and shower, dress and accessorize. Do not settle in at computer in kitchen. If you have to check emails re. work issues, okay, but force yourself to go get dressed right after. That is part of taking care of yourself, so you are ready to work as the professional writer you are.
2. Keep Ritz crackers out. H. buys them sometimes when they're on sale at ShopRite, but they're just too much of a trigger food for you when stressed out. They're no bargain for your body and don't even taste that great. Either tell H. to please not buy them or to always put them out of sight, as he does when he buys the rare bag of chips. 
3. Beware overeating on any carbs. They make you tired. You just want to curl up and sleep. They are pretty cheap, so that's attractive, but you can rustle up some protein, whether it's cottage cheese, chicken or tuna. Just do it. If you really want a boost, go get an iced coffee.
4. Keep the faith. Sometimes, that's all there is. If you were not the type of person who keeps the faith, you would not be here right now. But you are that kind of person. Keep it, guard it, hold it tight. That is truly all you know.

Good night.

Zip

Nothing truthful or beautiful to report tonight. The truthful part would be too hard, and the beautiful part is not that much.

So let me mull over my flaws, and the flaws of those around me, and see what I can come up with tomorrow.

Super Crank

The Weeping Willow, with a melancholy name but remarkable beauty. When I was a girl, there was one across the street, in the Licaris' yard. Its name always makes me think of my brother, Will--though he doesn't weep. Here in Clifton, there are many and they are beautiful. But what do I care? It's nighttime, so I can't see them. And I'm cranky.

Warning: Depressing Content. Proceed with caution. 
[Already ruined my own day. Don't want to ruin yours, too.]

Cranky. So very, very, very cranky. Mean. Mad. Don't like the woman I see in the condo mirror. She looks bad. Don't like her shirt, either. Ask me another day--tomorrow, even--and I might like it. But not tonight.

Hateful. Hard. Ugly way to feel. Not pretty at all.

Bread haze. Ate too much. Can't do that. White carbs=heavy haze.

Don't like myself, or anyone else. Even my best friend, the fluffy white ball of fur, is on my bad side. Poor Sug. What a hateful person I am, I'm even mad at her.

Rainy Monday night. Want to read, rest. Get lost in mindless TV, which I never do anymore. But must do some work first. Emails to send, messages to leave, things to print out.

Overwhelmed. Out of sync. Need a hand. But not drowning. Don't need hand to save me, just to know it's there.

As my mother used to say when feeling overwrought [I remember once near her white sliding-door closet in the bedroom], God give me grace. 


Sorry, I warned you. It must feel strange to read this stuff. Thank you for being there.