Sleep Time

I signed up to lead a 7 a.m. Zoom meeting tomorrow for my very good support group. So I need to catch some ZZZs.

Figgy is starting to pack...she moves into her apartment with her friend (also a biologist) this weekend. Fig is happy and I'm happy for her. She works right near us, at Montclair State, so we will still see her often. New chapter, good vibes, hope for the road rising with her. And she will be back right away, for Easter Sunday brunch. :)

Good night.

Is 8:30 p.m. Too Early for Bed?

No. It is not too early. 

I rose at 7:45 a.m., brewed a big pot of Copper Cow Vietnamese vanilla coffee, cooked tortellini and sauce to put in Punchy's lunch tote, handled a visit from the plumber and his assistant about our broken garbage disposal, weathered high-octane stress and drama before Punch went to school, did my weekly DBT therapy on telehealth and worked on assignments and/or invoices for three clients. I didn't even take a nap. 

See Eloise at the top of the ladder? I love this illustration by Hilary Knight from the story of a little girl that I used to read to Figgy sometimes at bedtime. I will pretend I'm reading it to myself now. Image from here.  I forgot that Hilary was a man.

Bonus points because I ate three healthy meals that included fruits and/or vegs instead of skittering into junk food.

B: Whipped cottage cheese with fresh strawberries.

L: Tuna on whole-grain with roasted red peppers on the side.

D: Leftover One-Pot Pasta with Ricotta and Lemon from the NY Times that I made last night with elbow macaroni and handfuls of watercress and fresh spinach as Melissa Clark suggests in the intro. Pronounced notes of fresh lemon juice and peel, red pepper flakes, fine Parmigiano Reggiano sourced from Van Hook Cheese & Grocery, a fancy purveyor in Montclair. (I bought a small wedge at Dry Goods Refillery on this end of town. It's fun to shop there, farm milk and eggs, solid shampoo bars, local products, tablets and glass spray bottles to make your own cleaning products instead of heaping more plastic in landfills.) 

Sometimes, on Cape Cod, especially when Figgy was little and we had put her on the tandem bike behind Dan's bike and pedaled for miles on the bike path, we would be exhausted and all three hit the hay by 8:30, once we got back home.  

We are not on the Cape with a young girl but we are Monday-night tired. Time to lower the blinds and rest. And now it's closing in on 9:30.

Good night.

5 Below

I slept only 5 or 6 hours each on Monday night and last night. I usually bank 9 or even 10, that is how tired I get and how much I love to sleep. But Monday I was working late on a writing deadline and last night, we didn’t get home from our Broadway excursion until 11 p.m.

Dan gets up Tuesdays and Thursdays with Skipper, who leaves by 7:50 a.m. to run up the hill for the schoolbus. But a support group I really like meets both of those days at 7 a.m. (now on Zoom), so I still get up early even though he is on the clock. It’s worth it.

All to say, I cannot wait to go to sleep now!

I hope to report on “Hamilton” soon.

Good night.

Covid Fatigue--Bring on the Magic Bubbles

https://alicegarbarinihurley.medium.com/covid-fatigue-bring-on-the-magic-bubbles-75f515ca20e8

Can’t Wait to Don Flannel PJs

Link for zebra PJs pictured above: https://www.pjsalvage.com/products/ruflpj-ecru?_pos=1&_sid=ef32c1a45&_ss=r. But I bought them at Barbara Eclectic/Village Vogue in Montclair.

Today was tricky, truncated with technology glitches, which can throw the best of us off-track.

Did I mention my new zebra 🦓 PJs? 

Going forward this winter, any day that I:

1. Brush + floss teeth 🦷 🦷 and swish mouthwash over gums and
2. Get out of my zebra PJs long enough to shower before it’s time to put them on again

Will be considered a triple-crown crown 👑 👑👑 win in my book of life. 

Struggling to Keep That Bottled Cape Feeling

Ship in a bottle LINK FROM HERE.
Dad had one of these down on his workbench in Dumont.
I wonder where it went.

I've been home for 16.5 hours [counting overnight sleep] and things are stressful again.

It's 7:57 a.m. I set my iPhone alarm for 6:30 so Punch could proofread her essay on 12 Angry Men. The kids write it online in Google Classroom and then submit it to the teacher by clicking TURN IN. [I'm not sure what happens if kids don't have access to internet.]

Punch sent it last night when I hadn't proofread it with her; grade also based on punctuation, capitalization etc. Then she told me she couldn't go back in and fix it.

That was a fib.

After I got back from event at 9ish, she told me the truth, and we decided to set the alarm so she could get up early and edit.

She would not wake up. I dragged myself out of bed--Dan had done the last two mornings while I was on the Cape--and now Punch stayed under the covers. I went down to make coffee, with my beans from the Hot Chocolate Sparrow. I ate a small pink foil-wrapped chocolate heart, the last two Triscuits, some chocolate chips. Ranging around for quick jolts of energy, no time to make hot cereal. I microwaved two small blueberry muffins for P. I took Sugar out.

I walked up and down the stairs four times. Still no luck. Turned on the bright light in Punchy's bedroom. Pulled her top cover off.

Near my wit's end, I stood outside and repeatedly rang our doorbell, which chimes upstairs, right outside Punchy's door.

This annoyed her but ultimately got her up, yet not until she threw a sneaker my way, cursed and subsequently lost social interactions tonight. [She loves seeing friends for sleepovers, etc.]

On the Cape, I said to Anne, I want to be able to tap into this feeling at home.

So much for the pure air in my lungs, the clean, unspoiled nature, the breeze in the sea grasses. The centering. The peace.

I was back all right, mired in stress. No more screened window open to brisk air, old trees and bird calls.

But I'm happy and relieved to tell you that I pulled myself together and did not lose it.

I reflected and prayed for grace while on the Cape, so as not to lose my temper at home. Grace delivered. 

That is the gift of traveling far from daily life--the gift of perspective. The time and space to contemplate.

I did say several times this morning, Ok, you won't get to fix it, and your grade will be bad, but I guess I was ready to let Punch own that. She is a good student; she cares about her grades and is proud of her successes.

I was downstairs on my laptop on the couch. She sidled up to me at about 8:05, saying, Do you want to fix it?

I had her polish it. Check spelling [change there to their, etc.]. I'm proud of her, and really like what she wrote about 12 Angry Men. [She had started it Wednesday night, with Dan, but it was due today.]

Then I sent her off to the bus stop around the corner. Now that middle school looms in September, we let her walk on her own to the bus sometimes.

Oh, she also used the land line to call Figgy--who slept over at her pal's last night--to ask about wearing Fig's striped shirt to school. Fig said an emphatic no. Punch wore it anyway, though I urged her to take it off.

Enjoy your day.

Yodel-Ay-EEE-Oooo! I’m Exhausted--She Isn’t!

Punchy is a blessing but takes a lot of energy. She wants to go, go, go.

Sometimes it all feels like too much. Too much stress, too much responsibility, too many appointments. Too many dishes, too many cups of coffee, too little exercise to clear my mind.

Too much sugar, which makes me even more stressed and jittery. I don’t bake sweet treats now--and I miss and mourn that, I really do--but I will sniff them out in the house or car like a police dog after drugs. The dumb Yodels Dan bought once for Punch--more to relive his childhood and show her the ritual of unrolling them, I think, than to satisfy any snack want of hers. She can take them or leave them.

But I wished for Drake’s Cakes as a girl--oh, those lucky kids at Saint Mary’s School who took silver-foil-wrapped Ring Dings and perfect little round Coffee Cake Jrs. from their lunchbags--so I took a twin pack from her bedroom.

See the allure of an individually wrapped, cream-filled cake punched out by a machine? Stress drug?

1. I need to be pitching ideas, setting up story interviews, contacting colleagues, restarting my job hunt. Job search may seem counterintuitive since I’m already so stressed but part of our stress is financial, with both of us freelancing.
2. And I need to breathe deep, exercise and eat healthfully.

I think 1. hums along when 2. is honored and observed; 2. feeds and fuels clear thinking and creativity.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Planned a walk w Elly for tomorrow.
2. Going for dermatology checkup tomorrow for first time in easily 5+ years. Too long. Lazy about sunscreen and skin cancer runs in family.
3. Reread "The Gift of the Magi," that wonderful old Christmas story by O. Henry. 
4. Made mashed potatoes--with butter, local buttermilk, milk, sea salt and Yukon Golds--to serve w hot turkey for dinner. Mini chef Punch taste-tested, having me add more butter and scattering on Swedish sea salt, etc.
5. We did the dishes together, me and Punch, while listening to Taylor Swift and other songs on P’s Spotify Party Playlist. I washed, she dried and put the dishes away. 
6. Wrote and reflected here.

Article Archive: My Sleep Apnea/CPAP Essay

Nora Ephron famously said, What's bad in life is good on paper. Meaning, of course, that rough turns can make compelling stories--and that readers/movie goers can probably relate. Her mother, Phoebe, a screenwriter, often told her young daughter, Everything is copy.

This essay isn't on paper, but it is copy. Stories don't have to be typed on paper anymore--my first editor, at Woman's Day Magazine, used to say things like Run it through the typewriter one more time. Now words flow into the world via clicks on a computer keyboard. And you can access them anywhere, from an airplane, the beach, your backyard.

My story is in the widely read "The Girlfriend" newsletter.

I hope you enjoy this ESSAY about the CPAP machine that I despise with all my heart.

Happy Friday evening.

Fighting the Urge

Please excuse the weird spacing here. Not sure what happened.

Today is Day 19 since I started with my new OA sponsor, and have been avoiding sugar, flour and wheat at his wise encouragement. Yes, you heard this cake lover right.

In that time, I have baked Peanut Butter Cookies twice, using oats and peanut butter, apple juice and coconut oil [and sea salt and a couple other ingredients]. Dan and Figgy like them--can't fool Punchy.

I have had a few falls--I felt shaky and carbohydrate-craving, and then reached once for a whole-wheat English muffin with blueberry preserves and butter and another time for long pretzel logs. Just today, I felt shaky, having had breakfast at 9:45 and not eating lunch till 2:30. I ate 2 spoonfuls of Punchy's green tea ice cream, one of her favorite treats, and some of the granola I got for Figgy, mixed in with plain Cheerios.

Just saying though, it's hard. Two minutes ago, I followed a Food52 link to the recipe 

for Jacques Torres' Chocolate Chip Cookies. 

[Google if you must. It ran one summer in the NY Times, I still remember, and it is an 

incredible cookie, involving sea salt, chocolate disks and a 24-hour resting period in the 

fridge for the dough.]

Onward I go, onward I walk. I have been turning to delicious non sweets, such as the 

fabulously creamy cashew milk with coffee and cacao from Juice Culture in town; the 

baby eggplants I roasted with fresh lemon juice and torn mint leaves; the smoothie I can 


make with frozen banana and pure unsweetened Valrhona cocoa powder from France.

Benefits [This is for my friend, Nan, who always asks, But how do you feel? She is right to ask.]:

1. I have not been losing my temper as much. I am on more of an even keel. I am not as likely to turn into a monster who yells. In other words, I am more patient.
2. No dark depression.
3. My blood sugar is better.
4. I am getting along better with my husband. 
5. I am sleeping better.
6. I am napping less, and for shorter times when I do.
7. I have gotten to my 8 a.m. yoga class 3 times in the last 8 days.
8. I am more present. Stay in today.
9. I have lost several pounds. I have many more to go.

Hope all is well in your pocket of the world. xo

Day 3 After Sunday Breakdown: Writing in My Red Nightgown

In my nightgown already. That's how eager I am to finish my last assignment for one client and move on to the next....leaning my Rose Gold MacBook on top of a laundry basket full of clean clothes on our bed at 9:20 p.m.....want to complete, send story, sleep. Dan working in NYC. I'm trying to corral Punch into bed. I'm too tired to tackle the dishes tonight. Good night to you.

TCOY

1. Walked around block.
2. Took Sug to meet Punch at bus, 4 p.m.
3. Bought healthy groceries: shaved Brussels sprouts; organic strawberries; olives; fish; pure cocoa powder; bananas; avocados; and more.
4. Ate Brussels sprouts. Buying is one thing. Actually eating is another. Plan for plain yogurt with berries and nuts in morning. That does sound good.
5. Planted a hot pink Ranunculus [Whole Foods, just $1.99] in a pretty handpainted ceramic planter.
6. Filled a lawn & leaf bag with twigs and dead leaves, for curb pickup.

Day 21*: Hello from Starbucks, Writing about Brain Surgery

It's not brain surgery! a magazine editor was fond of saying when we had to revise or distill some lifestyle copy at Good Housekeeping. She was right, writing about cameras or cashmere was not brain surgery, though it could be tricky sometimes.

But this IS brain surgery I'm writing about now, for Neurology Now Magazine.

I'm at Starbucks for concentration and no holiday/one husband/two daughters/two doggy distractions, but the place is closing at 10 p.m.  I will then head to my home office.

Meanwhile, good news. I've had my CPAP machine for sleep apnea for 2 weeks now and had to bring it back in to the pulmonologist/sleep medicine doctor today. He put a big smiley face on my results. I had/have severe sleep apnea; the test in September showed that I stopped breathing 75+ times per hour. Dan had been worried for a while, and eventually, so was I. He said I gasped for air a lot.

After 14 nights, the doctor says my breathing is stopping about 10 times per hour, not 75+. And that will improve. This has been a learning curve. He also had to review with me the proper use and care and cleaning of very unglamorous items, such as: nasal cushion; headgear; chinstrap; tubing; filter; and water chamber.

You know me....Lilly Pulitzer pink, Tory Burch orange, perfume and accessories and Bergdorf's and blowouts.....I'm sure you can understand why I went kicking and screaming into the CPAP world.

But already, I am much more energized during the day, much less lethargic. I have put makeup on many days--have not been too tired to do so. Have started to walk again.

Anyway, wish me luck with my deadline. Good night and thanks.

*I didn't post on Sunday, which was Day 20. Don't ask, don't tell.

Gnite, Tuckered Out

Ready to call it a day. Sweet dreams.

Good Night, Sleep Tight

Ready to snooze.

Stupor

I don't know if it was the lavender bath salts---I put two heaping tablespoons into the hot bath water this morning before noon Mass. H. was still in Boston, Figgy was sleeping, Punch was playing with her baby dolls, making sure they were dressed warmly enough, etc. 

And, it sure was relaxing. So relaxing that I nearly fell asleep and then really couldn't revive. I called my neighbors for a ride to church, but no answer, so that meant Punch and I would be biking. I just felt too tired to battle with her. She likes getting to Mass late, so delays as much as possible.

I didn't have it in me. She went out to play with a friend on the block--and you should have seen how quickly she got dressed for that!--and I crawled back under my soft flannel sheet.

H. was home before 3.

I hope I have more energy tomorrow! I have 2 work deadlines. I did perk up enough to walk Sug around the block, take the trash out, play Barbies with Punch while H. made crab cakes and then do dishes and clean up for about 45 minutes.

Good night, soft landing on our flight to dreamland.

Good Night

Cooked a lot, drifting to sleep.

Off to Dreamland

I don't know if it's because darkness falls earlier now, but a highlight of my life is lighting a pretty Voluspa candle in Laguna scent [I bought it at Harney & Sons Tea Shop on Broome Street in SoHo] and drifting off to sleep. The days are busy and the evenings are, too, with homework for Punch, dishes, etc.

H. almost always falls asleep after me, so he blows the candle out. Right now, Punch is up late, but about to doze off to the sound of his reading Nancy Drew. They are right across the hall in our cozy little house.

We may have some dust bunnies and clutter, but I still love our home.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Walked around the block. I'm tellin you, I have to get back to more exercise! Have been busy, between work and travel.
2. Made a smoothie with banana, milk, ice, PB and La Maison du Chocolat Poudre de Cacao--deep, dark, delicious unsweetened cocoa powder from Paris, by way of the chocolatier's outpost at the Plaza Food Hall in NYC.
3. Nap to recharge while H. took Punch to a dr. checkup in afternoon.
4. Dinner at our friends' house. The Mernins! With red wine and fine cheese.

How It Went When I Put My iPhone Down at Bedtime

It didn't go well, the first night of not cradling my iPhone in bed for one last long scroll before I went to sleep.

I went to bed by 11:15ish and couldn't fall asleep until 4 a.m. I read a couple enjoyable chapters of the Nancy Drew The Clue of the Tapping Heels that I got from the library when I took Punch there Friday. Love reading about Nancy, Bess, George, the convertible, River Heights and the repeated use of the term young sleuth.

I texted good night to Fig and Sis [and my editor, who had texted] before I went up to bed. I sent a long work email to schedule an in-person interview for tomorrow. But I tossed and turned in bed. I guess it's like any other withdrawal. I wanted to check my email to see if there were work replies. I wanted to google some celebrity, but now I forget which one, after 4 short hours of sleep. [Alarm went off 8 a.m. for Harry Potter camp.]

I started wondering if this divorced dad I know in town--whom Punch and I saw at the steering wheel on our amble back from the pool at 8 p.m. last night--was heading out on a date in that nice blue collared shirt and polished car. How was the pool? he asked us. I had our towels swung around my neck.

Then, I reviewed several months of the relationship I had with someone before I met H. The memory reel was repetitive and crazy. In my mind, I surfed through the restaurant dates, the comments made, his shorts, the visits to my Ocean Grove apartment, the road trips, the phone calls, the icy comment his mother made upon meeting me, the flowers he brought to my grandmother on Easter, the little old lady we drove to Mass once. The big red heart box of valentine chocolates, the heartfelt letters I wrote and cannot retrieve, the odd way he broke up with me.

Then H. rolled over onto his stomach and I felt his knee near me, and that brought me comfort.

Then I decided I was hungry. But there was nothing to eat except cold Chinese shrimp and rice and some crackers with butter and a little peanut butter and a glass of milk, so I had all that, sitting alone under the pendant lamp in a darkened neighborhood, thinking that my neighbors could look in and see me if they wanted to, sitting alone in the breakfast nook. Conscious that I did feel hungry, was not not just trying to fill a spiritual emptiness.

Then, lo and behold, I went to open the stuck window in the dining room to let the breeze in overnight and there was the pack of dark chocolate mint Ghirardelli squares I bought before a July Fourth party for Punchy. I had four of those while watching Lesley Stahl talk on TV about her new book about being a grandmother; interesting.

I finally fell asleep.

Today is a long-planned day with Moey and Lorraine at the beach. We have been friends since our ages were single digits.

I may have also been anxious about my work deadlines.

Does my iPhone really protect me from all that, like a soothing bedtime story?

Have a good day.

Workin' Hard, Too Tired to Write

Must get some sleep! Signing off. Good night.

TCOY

1. Shampooed and applied makeup. But now I have to take it off, at 1:16 a.m.
2. Lots of ice water.
3. Met Moey and our fourth grade teacher from St. Mary's, Mrs. Antoinette Rovetto, for dinner and dessert in Boonton, NJ. Mrs. Rovetto looks the same! She suggested we meet at Heavenly Temptations on Main Street, so we did. The desserts are all made by Marion. I won't lie. The Italian anise cookies were so good; soft, thick and round, with a nice iced top. Also enjoyed the artichoke quiche. However, Punchy was a bit of a handful, even though Figgy was watching her a lot of the time. H. had running club [which he has been doing 3 times a week], so I had to bring Punch. Can't get a sitter all the time.

Sleep Beckons

H. and Figgy out at a scary movie [I hate scary movies, unless they are classics like "Rear Window"], Punchy asleep and I'm hitting the hay.

Went to yoga, walked with Elly at the park, took Punch to soccer practice and did some work in between. Ate pretty healthfully.

Good night to you.

Lullaby & Good Night

I don't know if anyone ever sang to me when I was a baby or little girl, but I hope so. Right now, it's the rain that is singing gently. You are safe and dry, snug in your bed. And the rain outside won't hit your head.

The rainy-night singsong rhyme I remember from my childhood was not quite as comforting: It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring. He went to bed with a bottle on his head and he won't be up until morning.

Is that about a drinker or was it a hot water bottle?

Good night. 

TCOY

1. Had steamed broccoli with dinner.