Prayer Zoom and Good Night

I joined my women friends from church--we haven’t been able to meet in person since the pandemic began. It was nice to see them all again but it will be even better to see them in real life/real time at our April meeting.

Sometimes, prayers are not formal words or wishes. Tonight, the prayers came in the form of caring smiles, remembered stories, the strength around the “room.” The grace. The feeling of women taking other women under their wings. Outreach.

Until tomorrow.

A Letter to the Church Ladies

https://alicegarbarinihurley.medium.com/a-letter-to-the-church-ladies-83c93ea0514e

Mass Was Meaningful Today

⛸🎄🍪

The Bon Appetit cookie cover was hard to resist at supermarket checkout today. New twist on Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookie, with a lot of fresh mint to tint the dough green. Hoping I can cut down the sugar and
use high-quality bittersweet chocolate. (Official Thin Mints use peppermint oil.)

I liked the sermon/homily at Mass today. It was about having hope. Also, the Advent wreath on the altar was lit--3 purple candles, and 1 pink one, so far just the first 2 purples glowing, for the first two weeks of Advent.

Our sweet friends were there in the "crying room" [generally for families with kids]--Jessica and Ben and their children, George, 5; Leo, almost 3; and Violet, born August 12. I had seen Ben at Kings after Violet was born--we had both biked there to get groceries--but Punch and I hadn't gotten over to meet the baby and drop anything off yet.

All three kids are darling....but the baby girl.....a precious little angel, smiling and pure and pretty with soft little tights and adorable shoes......such a treat.

TCOY

1. I found beauty and community at Mass--and friendship/talk when I went to pick up Punchy from sleepover at her friend's before 10:30 Mass. Her pal's Dad, a Londoner, is very nice, as are his wife and two girls. 
2. Good homemade coffee.
3. I'm going to take a cat nap if it's the last thing I do. 
4. Dan and I planning to go to see the 7 pm movie "Knives Out" with Punchy tonite. Figgy is busy.
5. Writing this post/tracking money spent.
6. Made a broccoli quiche from Joy of Cooking.
7. Face wash.
8. Eye cream.
9. Filled my Mom’s crystal bowl w clementines.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET

• Lit a candle at church and said a prayer, $3.
• Jessica and Ben like to take the boys [now with baby sis] to the bagel shop after Mass, so Punch and I joined and I treated, counting turkey on bagel for me and tofu spread on bagel for Fig, $23.13.
• Kings, lots of groceries, because I'm finding that Dan is not so good at blending work and dinner planning and dishes, and we are not eating very healthfully. It's a ramp, a moving walkway we are all on since I have gone back to work in NYC. Sack of Halos clementines, five Bosc pears, large container baby spinach, dried figs, fresh broccoli, vegan "Provolone" cheese slices, Bell & Evans frozen chicken patties x 2, Gardein vegan entrees [buy one/get one free], good Russian rye bread, bag of Brie bites, dinner rolls, no-hormone chicken sausage breakfast patties x 2, wet dog food x 2, dozen eggs, half-gallon whole milk, whole-wheat English muffins, 2 gallons distilled water for CPAP machine, family-size box Triscuits, very large box plain Cheerios, half-pint cream, quart half and half, Murphy's Oil orange wood cleaning spray, 2 very large yams, Cheddar slices, large wedge Jarlsberg cheese, bottle Marie's Buttermilk Ranch Dressing and, something I have eyed for a while since Kings launched its Italian festival--Essentials of Classic Italian Cooking by Marcella Hazan. She is so well-known. I hope to make a dish or two to honor my/Dad's/Rosie's Italian heritage this Christmas season. I think the only M. Hazan recipes I've made are tiramisu and a simple, delicious tomato sauce my friend Rach told me about, with a bit of butter in it. $194.07. Oh--and this included the December issue of Bon Appetit Magazine, with a close-up of a beautiful chocolate-dipped minty green cookie on the cover. It was $7.99 cover price, crazy but true. I pledge that this will be my last holiday magazine purchased this year.
• Delvino's Restaurant on Main Street in Belfast, gift card to thank Pat and Martha for their hospitality in Maine over Thanksgiving. Our family stayed there; Pat and Martha so gracious. The gift card will be mailed to them. $50.

TOTAL DAILY SPEND: $270.20.

Ongoing monthly spend as of Dec. 8: $1,641.15.

Avg daily spend: $205.14.
_____________________________________________________

COMPARE TO 4 PRIOR MONTHS:

Total spend for November (30 days): $2,979.03. ⬆️

Average daily spend: $99.30. ⬆️

__________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR OCTOBER (31 DAYS): $2,495.36.🍎 ⬆️

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $80.49.🍎 ⬆️

_____________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR SEPTEMBER (30 DAYS): $2,214.43.🍎⬇️

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $73.81.🍎⬇️

___________________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR AUGUST (31 DAYS): $2,895.06. ⬆️

AUGUST AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $93.39.  ⬆️

Short-Person Challenge

What if someone:

• Gets dropped off to go into weekly 10:15 am CCD* class, a little late, 10:18 am.
• And you trust her to walk in, snug in her nude-pink fuzzy hoodie [the same nude-pink color of the moment that her big sister, Figgy, loves, and in fact, you would like something that color, too]. Her friend is in the car, and you have to drop her at her home after their sleepover and then get to 10:30 Mass yourself. And Fuzzy Hoodie has indeed walked in alone before...
• And then Fuzzy H. climbs back into the car, a back-seat prank, as you round the bend.
• And you laugh a little and then say, Go, you must go to CCD now. You are 3 minutes late. I will be right back to go to Mass. And she walks toward the Catholic school, which is next to the Catholic church. And you drop off the nice friend and go back to church and then Fuzzy joins you near the end of Mass, sitting next to you in the pew, as the CCD kids are allowed to do. They can come over to Mass and join their families when class is over.
• And she begs you to please, please borrow your classic Burberry plaid wool scarf and you finally relent. And she covers her head and hair with it, like a disguise, a babushka. And you know immediately that she has done something wrong at CCD and is trying to hide--from a teacher, a child, someone. And you know that lately, she has been saying, You can't make me go to CCD. I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish. Which of course she is not, but two close friends are, and she even went to Hebrew school with them once.....
• So you say to her after church, before you both go down to coffee hour and the bake sale for Haiti, Tell me what happened. It's not good to keep secrets inside. It will eat up your heart....
• And she tells two fibs before getting to the truth. 1. I pulled the fire alarm. 2. I beat up a boy. and you can tell they are fibs and then, finally, the truth. 3. I didn't go to my class and I walked around inside the school instead, and Mrs. S. [who is the good woman who runs the program] told me I had to go to class and that now every week you have to walk me up to class. And she asked if you were at Mass and I said I didn't know. And I don't want to go downstairs for donuts because Mrs. S. might be there. Please, Alice, I'm scared.
• I'm glad you told me, you say. But I'm disappointed.
• And then indeed Mrs. S. is at donuts & coffee, standing near the bright, Blue's Clues-blue frosted cupcakes on the bake sale table, and you talk about what happened and apologize and she says, What I'm really worried about is her safety. If she really doesn't want to be there, there's no use forcing her and you say, I'm not willing to give up yet. I know she believes in God. I mean I don't understand what the big deal is, why she can't go for one hour a week. And Mrs. S. agrees, One hour. Okay.

Dan and I were/are both very upset and disappointed.

Rough road.

Good night.

*Per Wikipedia: Confraternity of Christian Doctrine (CCD) is an association established in Rome in 1562 for the purpose of giving religious education. Its modern usage is a religious education program of the Roman Catholic Church, normally designed for children. In some parishes, CCD is called PSR, meaning Parish School of Religion.
+I went to Catholic elementary school, where we had religion classes. I went to public high school, so for one or two years of high school? I went to weekly evening CCD. Somebody jokingly called it Coffee Cake & Donuts.

TCOY

1. Warm bath with Dr. Teal's salts.
2. Walked Sug around block; pretty moon.
3. Listening, praying, singing and being present at Mass.
4. Nice long nap, while Dan supervised Punch's involved written science project.
5. Roasted big pan of cauliflower florets.
6. TODAY IS DAY 12 off refined sugar path. When I made the rosemary shortbread, I used very little [3 teaspoons] sugar. That's within my fence, so far at least. When grams of sugar per serving are about 4-8 or less, I generally say OK. I walked today's rough road without nibbling a single chocolate-chip cookie; or donut at coffee hour; or bowl of Ben & Jerry's nondairy ice cream from freezer. This is good. However, I did eat way too many of the Cheetos left from sleepover. Series of unfortunate events.

$ MONEY SPENT OUT OF POCKET

• Kids' church bake sale for Haiti, 1/2 dozen excellent fresh bagels with container of cream cheese; big Granny Smith apple dunked by hand in caramel, chocolate and toppings; and container of tiny chocolate-chip cookies, plus $2 donation, $21. [Sweets went to Punch's room--if she doesn't want, she can throw out.]
• Cornerstone Montclair, $14.90. Punch and I love this store. It's right across from our church and promotes an inclusive community for all.

TOTAL DAILY SPEND: $35.90.

RUNNING TOTAL FOR MONTH AS OF NOV. 10: $580.52.

AVG. DAILY SPEND: $58.05.

COMPARE TO 3 PRIOR MONTHS:

TOTAL SPEND FOR OCTOBER (31 DAYS): $2,495.36.🍎 ⬆️

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $80.49.🍎 ⬆️

_____________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR SEPTEMBER (30 DAYS): $2,214.43.🍎⬇️

AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $73.81.🍎⬇️

_______________________________________________________________________________

TOTAL SPEND FOR AUGUST (31 DAYS): $2,895.06. ⬆️

AUGUST AVERAGE DAILY SPEND: $93.39.  ⬆️

Prayer Shawls + Blintzes

I went to the Meditation Room downstairs, near the cafe and gift shop, after getting breakfast this morning. I thought it might be like The Chapel at Mountainside Hospital in Montclair. As you looked around the small sanctuary, different religions were represented.

The M. Room, however, was plain, with four rows, each four chairs wide.....a long bench along the window...and several prayer shawls of different patterns. It was simple but stark. It holds the people and the people hold the prayers. Other than the shawls, no tangible symbols of faith...no stained glass, chalice, etc. I sat there alone.

I was grateful for the space. When Figgy was sick in the hospital during high school--New York-Presbyterian in White Plains--I found the beautiful chapel on the ground floor and sank down in sadness and solidarity. You could write your prayers. The ceiling was celestial blue with an exquisite golden moon and stars. I'm going to search my blog now and see if I can find that.

HERE IT IS--WHAT I WROTE ABOUT THAT LOVELY HOSPITAL REFUGE.

I also found the most delicious blintzes in the kosher section of the cafe today. Yum...chilled...with small round button container of sweet strawberry jam. They are made by Fresko [Fresh Kosher]. So tender, filled with farmer cheese, cream cheese,  vanilla. I ate one in the two-pack, which cost $7.70. Will bring other one back to Connecticut and I hope Sis tastes it.

Deposit a foodie anywhere, and she will discover new flavors. Seek and ye shall find.

Spiritual Food--and Luxe Cookie Dough

I went to the women's meeting again tonight. There's something deep and meaningful to tap there. Spiritual food. The group meets twice a month, usually on a Monday or Wednesday night, but no meetings in July and August.

School snow day tomorrow......it was called already here in Montclair, though not a flake has fallen yet.

TCOY

1. Had two of those high-fiber toaster waffles and a helping of those dainty blues.
2. Veg chili.
3. Nap.
4. Raw orange pepper.
5. Organic white yam, steamed broccoli.
6. Ate a couple of those chocolate-dipped strawberries.
7. Went to women's meeting; contemplation, listening, prayer. Seeing the bigger picture.
8. It's our 28th wedding anniversary this weekend, and Dan planned a Broadway show and glamorous hotel for us, one night in NYC. Punch will be with her Mimi and Figgy will watch Sug. It will be nice to get away. I hope. Sometimes we fight.

$ MONEY OUT OF POCKET

• Whole Foods again because it's right near Punchy's school, and I drove her this morning. I went in to get quality chocolate to make dipped strawberries for the meeting tonight. The excellent 70 percent dark Theo bars [from Seattle] were on sale, two for $6. Also got tiny frozen Maine blueberries; high-protein, high-fiber frozen waffles; fish sticks, a Punchy fave; organic milk; whole-wheat English muffins; bagels; and whipped cream cheese. But I did NOT buy the petite, upscale frozen log of Cappello’s gluten-free, vegan chocolate chip cookie dough, which was about $15 for 12 oz.!  Made in Colorado. Was tempted, for Figgy, and because I love trying new brands. $54.09.
• Got back late from meeting, about 10, and Punchy said she was starving. We had a healthy dinner at about 6 p.m. I brought her two small pink-sugar-dusted heart cookies from the meeting, but Fig's friends were heading to the diner, so I gave them money to bring back fries for Punch. Figgy can eat them, too. Wasn't sure how much to give. $7.

DAILY TOTAL: $61.09.

New Meaning

I went to a women's meeting tonight at church and I liked it. I think I will commit to attending. I feel like this could be a formative step in my spiritual life, which began so long ago with Baptism, continued with that white veil and dress and sunlight streaming in on First Holy Communion....BTW, in addition to the real, little lace-trimmed bouquet of carnations from Jones Florist in Dumont, that was a good hair day.....at least it was in the B&W photo I had....

I've been applying for staff positions, too, and it feels pretty good.

TCOY

1. Punchy and I both pulled cards from the pretty little "Light Lessons" pouch that Meg and Greg sent me as a gift. Check this out. Today we pulled INTEGRITY and WITH WISDOM.
2. Walked around block.
3. Have been praying to remove myself from the center of someone else's difficult curve. I can get so dark. It's not my curve. I can be light.
4. Hot bubble bath.
5. Walked in and out of town for groceries.
6. Chicken, baked potato w. butter and cottage cheese, broccoli.
7. Meeting at 7:15.
8. Going to bed soon.

$ MONEY OUT OF POCKET

• Donation to Vermont Ski & Snowboard Museum in Stowe, late bday gift in honor of kind friend. $15.
• Kings, because I could walk there at 3:05, sweep in and still be back at the schoolbus stop by 4 p.m. Got half-gallon organic milk, Gardein frozen vegan meatballs, 1/2 pint cream, butter on sale, dog food, deli turkey for me and Punch, etc. $33.95.
• Also, the book I wrote and self-published about Anthony? The Franciscan monk turned world-traveling businessman? A few dollars are trickling into my bank account in profits. I want to do a whole post about it, but the link is HERE.

TOTAL: $48.95.

Don't Step on My New Suede Shoes

$ OUT OF POCKET

• I was an emotional wreck yesterday. Let's chalk it up to attending a deeply spiritual 2-day women's retreat and returning to an imperfect life that calls for me to tap deep into my soul for patience, calm and kindness under some trying circumstances. Today, before I walked to town for work, I received a bday card w generous gift--$25 cash. So on my way to town, I popped into Williams-Sonoma. I'm trying not to buy books, but like many fans, I have almost every one of Ina Garten's. Her new book was there, and the store was offering 20 percent off all purchases. I could have gotten it cheaper on Amazon but it looked so good, I wanted it now. And the card was from a special couple, Mr. & Mrs. C. So..it was $28 instead of $35. A meaningful gift from two people I love. I flipped through and found some healthy [NON DESSERT] recipes already. Add tax, $29.86. 
• Easy come, easy go? I also received a $150 kill fee check in the mail basket. [If you're not a freelance writer, FYI, a kill fee is paid when a publication/website doesn't use your assigned work, for reasons that usually have nothing to do with the merit of your writing. In this case, I was supposed to earn $500 for a website piece--a good rate for a short web piece--but there was some confusion with the assignment, I guess. I've written for them before.] So I decided that I really had been needing a new pair of shoes--both that and a quick fix for a broken spirit. Black suede Brenda Zaro shoes....pumps for my everyday dresses & skirts life....bought at shoe store right across the street from Joyist. Made in Spain, elegant. Ladylike, low-cut. Definitely part of my work uniform/work polish & confidence. Let's call this turning a kill fee into a soul-saving gift. As if. The shoes are not rosary beads or a Bible. But as materialistic as it is, I revisit something I already said another day: Fashion softens my steps in life. $160.
• Joyist for work. Had a free reward on my punch card--got large mushroom/zucchini soup with small pc of flourless zucchini bread. $12 value. Purchased large organic latte and 1 slice avocado toast, $6 and $6. $12.
• Walked to Starbucks once Joyist closed at 5 p.m. Had reward on app, got $6.50 smoked turkey and Swiss protein box w apple and carrots free. 2-pack dark chocolate graham crackers plus $1 tip. $3.40.
• Oooops, almost forgot to report this, coming in under the wire at 9:30 p.m. as I toil at Starbucks, which closes 10 p.m. Many of my years-old tights are getting holy. I ordered a pair of Commando ultimate black opaque tights....they should last for a while and feel good to the touch. I just wish they didn't have such a high shipping rate from Vermont for a single pair of tights. [South Burlington, can't believe it. Next time I visit Meg & Greg, want to check it out. Had no idea.] $36 + $7 shipping. $43.

TOTAL $ OUT OF POCKET: $248.26.

TCOY

1. Prayer. I am finding it very hard to be endlessly patient w Punch, who often says mean and/or hurtful things to me, due to the situation she is in with us as her legal guardians. As in, "I'm not your daughter!", "You're not my mother!" and even "You're not Sugar's mother!" She says that last one when I say something like, "Sug, let Mama take you out." I'm feeling worn down.
2. Washed my face.
3. Good dental care.
4. Hot bubble bath.
5. Healthy grain bread.
6. Healthy food at Joyist.
7. Walk in and out of town, will be 50 minutes round trip.
8. Writing this post, taking a little time to examine my feelings and actions, even though I should be writing, producing the articles my editor needs. Getting back to that stat and lined up Dan to be with Punch so I can work into the night.
9. There's a new co-working space in town. It is $35/day or $139/five-pack for month, etc.. I am in the process of scheduling a complimentary day there. Full coffee menu but also Balthazar pastries, which I know will be hard to resist......

Getting My Groove Back?

Did a lot of things right today:

1. Made oatmeal with cinnamon and ginger. Stirred in pure canned pumpkin for a boost, topped with a little dark chocolate and drizzle of maple syrup.
2. Stirred up pot of white bean and spinach soup [recipe above], ate large bowlful. Check.
3. Walked around block, including up the hill.
4. Took Sug [Fluffball] to vet for follow-up on cyst. Dr. Cameron said she’s looking good.
5. Went to Mass at 4 for All Saints’ Day. It’s a Holy Day of Obligation, but I tend to miss many of those, not on purpose. The Thursday afternoon CCD classes [including Punchy’s] were going and parents were invited. I’d say there were 100+ kids from the religion classes and a scattering of parents--many of us use that weekly hour to run chores, get coffee, groceries, etc. Nice homily about saints by Father Marc. [Saints were not all or always smart, good-looking and kind. One barely studied for a test; one had an ugly facial mark that grew bigger and bigger; one was known to yell and even curse.] I would learn more from homilies written for kids than those targeted to adults.
6. Read, took short nap.
7. Made cheeseburger sliders for dinner [Figgy had the white bean soup] and matzo ball soup from a mix for Punch. Turns out the Fluffball really likes a good matzo ball simmered in chicken broth, too.

Misstep, but we’re all human:

1. Ate some sweets left over from Halloween party. Stopped. Threw some out. Then Punch asked for them later. Oh well. I’m still struggling with the all or nothing, black & white view on sugar. I really am.

Good night.

Good vs. Evil in the Garden of Fashion

Finally posting more about "Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination," at the Metropolitan Museum of Art through Monday, October 8 [Columbus Day]. This time-in-a-bottle, gilded-lily, often haunting exhibit is in three places, not unlike the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. The Anna Wintour Costume Center holds the radiant gold pope adornments; the museum's first floor, near the permanent Medieval and Byzantine Art Gallery, has couture designer pieces; and at the Met Cloisters, a subway, bus, car or taxi ride away from the graceful mother ship, you can see imports from French monasteries. [My sister and I did not get to the Cloisters, not enough time.]

So much to say. So.much.to.say. #somuchtosay

I am a dyed-in-the-wool, baptized-in-the-font Catholic....my faith runs deep. Down to the toes of the itchy navy blue cabled knee socks I wore to Saint Mary's School in Dumont, New Jersey, a working-class town in Bergen County. It touches the tiny silver beads on the rosaries my Italian immigrant grandmother, Rosie, brought back from Rome for all four of her granddaughters--Lin, Sis, Judi and me. Our beads were blessed by the Pope on one of Rosie's pilgrimages [this one in the late 1960s] to the Vatican with her church group.

I was shaken by the exhibit. In awe. Thunderstruck. Disturbed.

Dead Popes Society
We started downstairs, though I see now that the brochure says the pilgrimage should begin on the first floor. Below ground, so rich, so opulent. Hidden. Copes [large open cloaks] so heavy with golden thread that we could not fathom carrying them on our shoulders. A mitre, the tall hat, encrusted with jewels. A stunning amethyst cross, purple and polished. A crucifix with a secret compartment that held a relic--a tiny bone from a dead pope. Relics were occasionally on loan to Saint Mary's when we were girls, too, though they were from saints, not popes.

We also saw shoes worn by Pope John Paul II. And crowns, rings, clasps and an incredibly ornate monstrance, the gold vessel in which the Blessed Sacrament is displayed for genuflection [kneeling, praying, adoring]. Even soft cloth slippers dotted with precious jewels.

It was a Tiffany & Co-worthy treasure trove of rubies, emeralds, sapphires and diamonds, shining, in vain, even after centuries.

All of this, of course, in stark juxtaposition to two deep troubles. One, many of the Italian and French peasants who gave money to the church were poor, yet their male leader was draped in gold, almost obscenely so. And two, the Catholic Church is under scrutiny now for dark abuse of innocent children, and for covering it up and relocating the priests/pastors to other parish assignments, only to have the crimes occur again. The recent Grand Jury report from Pennsylvania was horrifying. Now New York and New Jersey are under the scope, and rightly so. How many generations of devout parents have sent their freshly scrubbed altar boys into the wrong hands? The PA report told of a priest who abused several sisters in one family and another who went to the hospital after a girl had her tonsils out and abused her there.

It is hideous. Yet here, here was beauty. It really was a beautiful collection. Golden and regal and really, fashion in the highest form. Church music played all around us.

Everything in the Costume Center was on loan from the Vatican.

Blessed-Mother Blue and Creepy Black Nunwear

Photo I took last Thursday at the Met. I've been thinking about the exhibit ever since.

For some reason, priests and nuns scared me. They held the secrets, and the power. I got along with them well enough, but those long black, front-button cassocks the priests wore....the gray-blue habit Sister Agnes had, gray-blue like her eyes behind rimless glasses. Lips without lipstick, lashes naked. No legs or ankles showing. So mysterious. Utilitarian. Different. Plain. Foreign to my little-girl world. Why, and what, were they hiding?

Even the Beatles were scared:

Friday night arrives without a suitcase
Sunday morning creeping like a nun
Monday's child has learned to tie his bootlace
See how they run  
                          --"Lady Madonna" lyrics

I admired my mother's gold charm bracelet and perfume bottles. I begged her to wear the sleeveless silver dress with a faux jewel neckline. I wanted her to be pretty.

Sis, whose name is MaryAnne, probably after the Blessed Virgin Mary, was gifted with a statue of her. She was maybe a foot tall, in blue robes, her feet conquering the Devil, the serpent. The statue was on a shelf in the bedroom we shared.

At Saint Mary's, every bride had a separate bouquet to put at the feet of the slender, towering white Virgin Mary statue in her own alcove on the altar.

But here at the Met, wow. I was blown away by the robes and gowns inspired by angels and the Blessed Mother. So ethereal, so feminine and breathtaking in their folds and frills. Now Mary wasn't just Jesus's mother on earth--her gentle style was powerful enough to bring about a whole league of copycat celestial blue confections.

The lineup of black clothing...architectural Dolce & Gabbana shapes inspired by the straight lines of the cross, by hoods and stark habits. The line of gold Versace dresses....I can't capture it all. The Fellini film that featured a fashion show with a priest in a lacy vestment.....that felt a little sacrilegious to me. It just struck a chord.

If you have time, you have to go before Heavenly Bodies leaves. The exhibit design by Diller Scofidio + Renfro is unforgettable. There is even a Heavenly Bodies store. My favorite merchandise was stashed in the very back--large, rich and glittery eye shadow palettes, $125, and sparkly angel-white lip gloss in a tube with a sponge-tip wand, $28, by makeup maven Pat McGrath. The gloss isn't sticky and the wand is perfectly designed, a gift from heaven. My practical Sis, waiting in the wings, indulged my shopping but did say, You don't buy makeup in a museum! But if it's Pat McGrath, you do*.

oh.my.god.

#MetHeavenlyBodies

Pope wear.

*I could not afford the palette, but still regret it. The colors/pigments were so lovely. I did buy the gloss.

Holy Thursday

Tonight Catholics remember The Last Supper--with all the apostles around the table, and Judas showing up to doubt Jesus [right?].

What I remember is how very long that Mass is and I guess I feel a little guilty that I haven’t gone in recent years. Instead, Dan, Punchy and I went to Dai Kichi, the Japanese restaurant on Valley, and since Figgy was busy studying [with chemistry, calculus and biology, she studies a lot], we brought back two avocado and cucumber rolls for her.

Tomorrow is Good Friday, and I do hope to get Punch to church with me, if even for a short visit.

Good Friday...I was a college student. returning for Easter on the #167 NJ Transit bus and stopping in at Saint Mary’s Church before walking home to Dad. My brown hair, a lavender down jacket, corduroy pants--and the sudden close-up vision you have after you have left your hometown for a while.

I must have been to Good Friday at my church a dozen or more times, yet it wasn’t until that night that the drama and darkness of it hit me. No Holy Water in the golden cups. A wooden clanger in the hand bell the altarboy rang. It sounded so hollow and hopeless. Jesus on the cross, shrouded in purple cloth. All quite medieval.

I do want Punchy to see it and then contrast it with the fertile, white lily opulence of Easter Sunday, with flowered hats, pastel eggs--and hymns so joyous that they reach the rafters.

Here’s hoping I follow through.

Good night.

Better to Light Just One Little Candle

When I have enough cash with me, Punch and I light a candle or two in the back of the church after Mass. The suggested donation, to tuck into the metal box with the slit, is $4.

We have often lit one in memory of/in honor of:

• Her daddy.
• My daddy.
• Dan.
• My mommy.
• Her mommy.
• Figgy.
• Auntie/Don.

But today, after a hellish attempt at getting her to Mass, she stayed in the car. We were so late, I think I caught 10 minutes. It was long enough to pray, to breathe, to interact with another mom who is supportive.

And this time, I slipped a folded five dollar bill into that slot and lit one white pillar candle for Punchy. Just Punchy. She is acting out big time. It has been rough. Her birth mom had a baby girl a couple of weeks ago and Punch is dying to meet her. To have a role in her life. To hold her. To see her mom. To be important enough to be there. But we have been put off.

Our Punchy adores babies. She knows every baby on the block. She asks me if she is swaddling her [very realistic] baby doll properly, if I would have thought the clothes Baby is wearing would have been warm enough for Figgy when Fig was an infant.

She has a beautiful heart, arms eager to hold and catch that baby sister. She is earnest; she wants very much to be a role model. She is trying so hard to be worthy. Of course she is more than worthy!

Our Punchy’s little heart must be breaking. And that little baby's path may be unclear, too; I don't know.

God bless Alexa, I prayed as the flame caught and flickered. God, please bless Alexa. [I don't use the name Punchy when praying to God.]

Good night.

Perchance to Dream

I've been tapping away on work assignments. Writing about a veggie chopper--which Punchy and I had to test--and then about beautiful rooms in exclusive enclaves of Los Angeles. Oh, the old French farmhouse table; the dusty blue velvet ottoman; the blue cabinetry in a kitchen. All under the editing eye of Isabelle at deKorla.com.

Meanwhile, a dear friend messaged me on Facebook this afternoon and she needs my prayers; her husband is very sick. Prayers, prayers. Daisy chains of prayers. Rosebud crowns of prayers. Buckets and pails and laundry baskets, cookie tins and coffeepots and dishpans and grocery bags, all full to the brim with prayers for my dear friend, her husband and their family. Pocketbooks of prayers, totebags of Hail Marys. Why does life deal some of us such rough cards?

Darkness falls. Hearts sink. Tears come. Hope prevails. Good night.

Big Screen: Lady Bird & Coco

From amazon.com: The sticker book.

Tuesday night, saw “Lady Bird” with Figgy. Loved the look at a Catholic girls’ high school in Sacramento in 2002. Laurie Metcalf is tightly wound and very precise as the mother of a daughter coming of age as a college-bound senior. You can relate to a mother's hard-won crinkles around the eyes, her patience stretched thin. The plot may have been sewn up a little too neatly at the end but really, it wasn’t a final stitch that will last forever; it’s one of many mends in a mother-daughter relationship. It left Figgy in tears. I was glad to be there with her.

Tonight, Dan and I took Punchy to see the Pixar movie “Coco.” In the vein of “Moana,” it celebrates family and culture and honors our elders and the love and lessons they pass on. This one is rooted in the Spanish tradition of Day of the Dead. And though I’ve seen hard white sugar skulls, decorated, at the Mexican restaurant in town, that was the extent of my knowledge. I also like the  song “Remember Me,” and downloaded it to both Punchy’s and my Spotify playlists [both on my iPhone, her use is very limited] as soon as we got in the car. Good night. 

Under a Tall Steeple in Danbury

Sis and Chaiya and Buttercup came to Punchy’s soccer game today and then drove Punch and me back to Connecticut for an overnight visit. We went to an evening concert in Danbury at a Congregational church that traces its roots back to 1696. The music was pretty and so was the historic church, with numbered [assigned] pews and scarlet cushions. In the vestibule, I saw framed floor plans with the names of who sat where. I find that fascinating. In my Catholic Church, Mary P. generally sits on the left in the center and the older couple w white hair, who know Joyce, take a front row, but aside from that, it’s a free-for-all and you can switch it up every Sunday if you like. Something about that old seating plan makes me wish I could travel back in time, just for a day, to attend those church services and see those families. The stories would be intriguing—and more complicated than the naked eye could see. Good night. 

Made It to Mass

Glad we did, even though we were late. I liked saying the "Our Father," hearing the choir, chatting w Punchy's friend's parents at coffee time. I liked seeing all the young children, and their moms in nice dresses, their slightly tired but very dedicated dads. Adults committed to passing their faith, and its rituals, down to the next generation. I liked seeing the ladies collecting money for the parish picnic next Sunday. Liked the small comforts--straw collection baskets, incense, candles. Faith, hope and love. Good night.

TCOY

1. Prayer.
2. Walked dogs.
3. Went to Whole Foods w a list and budgeted cost for each item, so I would not top the $100 cash I had. I did great by sticking to 365 brand and items on sale. I got a lot for the money. What I did not get: Impulse purchases like candles in jars, Mast Brothers excellent chocolate bars, ice cream for me [did get soy ice cream for Fig and two mochi for Punch],  cookies, fancy cheeses or craft butter, a cookbook, magazine or drink at the coffee bar. I spent about $98.50, and prices were so good that I could even throw in a nice, big, tender rotisserie chicken for $7.99. Affordable 365 brand products: Gallon of milk; big bag of coffee; cartons of juice and almond milk; Colby Jack cheese; firm tofu; dry pasta;; frozen berries; canned beans.
4. Small Dina fruit and acai bowl at Juice Culture.
5. Good dental care.
6. Rested on couch, watched "I Love Lucy."

Big Screen: Wind River--and, Burying the Lede, Praying the Rosary

Image from HERE.

Wow. Dan and I went to see "Wind River" tonight at the movies, starring Elizabeth Olsen [Ashley and Mary-Kate's little sis] and Jeremy Renner. It was so good, a thriller/mystery about a teen girl gone missing on a Wyoming reservation. Based on actual events. Masterful, and the scenery was breathtaking--mountains and snow as far as the eye can see. Reportedly, a lot of Native American women disappear and are not accounted for.

Movies, one of the perks of Mimi taking Punch for a week in the summer! It feels so free, to hop in the car, walk into a restaurant [we finally tried Villalobos in Montclair, excellent shrimp taco], go to a late movie.

This will sound odd, and certainly off topic, but I think I started praying the Rosary today. I've never really done it, but a close friend of mine, whom I admire, gave me a string of beautiful green beads and the gift of a a brief talk about how praying the Rosary makes her feel. I have so much to learn about it: the words to some of the prayers, the Mysteries and what days to say which ones. I went on YouTube and Wikipedia and learned a lot already. I do remember being in church and hearing ladies in the parish saying/praying the Rosary sometimes, but not enough to really embrace it. It sounded like a lot of rote repetition. And though my mother sometimes went to Miraculous Medal novenas at Saint Mary's, and at least one night, I went with her, I still don't really don't understand what they are.

What's intriguing now is the quiet power and grace promised, and what I experience as the hope it offers to help me dig out of depression......to find comfort....to pray to Mary.....to trust in Mary....honor a Higher Power...and though the emerald green beads are pretty, I did read, Madonna aside, that it's not appropriate to wear them as jewelry. You know me, I love accessories. My grandma, Rosie, brought back delicate sterling silver rosaries from Italy for her four granddaughters.....I have mine somewhere. Must find.

Have you or your family ever prayed the Rosary? I'd love to hear.....

Good night.

TCOY

1. Learning about praying the Rosary.
2. Water.
3. Movies.
4. Wrote two cards to mail. I love that.

Catholic on Cape Cod: Feeding the Masses

I loved the homily at St. Joan of Arc Church in Orleans today. The priest said we all have trying times in life and at those times, God carries us. He said we might be sad, fearful. anxious or stressed because of death, illness, divorce, an addiction in the family, job loss, moving to a new location....I liked what he said. His words reached me and I'm grateful. So often, I'm daydreaming and the sermon is lost on me.//I did notice the beautiful sleeveless pink and white Lilly Pulitzer dress a lady near me was wearing. It had white lace trim. She accessorized with large, smooth  pearl pebble earrings, flat silver sandals and a straw Nantucket-basket style handbag. She carried it off seamlessly, and the colors looked great with her sleek black hair, neatly pinned up. Good nite. Want to write more but too tired. We leave Cape tomorrow, getting up 7:30 to clean house. Took lovely farewell dip in Great Pond today at 6:15 p.m. Xoxo Signing off from old Cape Cod,

At Home Sunday Night

I like seeing into the lit windows in our home when I lug the garbage can to the curb for Monday pickup. Figgy's attic room, brightly lit for her fish and plants. The kitchen, with Dan setting out plates of salmon and asparagus. The hallway, where I can see photos of our families on the wall. I like that we spruced up our lawn and Dan trimmed the shrubs and we both raked up and hauled off all the clippings today. I like that we have clean bed sheets fresh from the dryer and that my white denim skirt is washed and air-drying for tomorrow. And I continue to hope and pray, to pray and hope. "Draw Near" was the name of the Communion hymn at Saturday evening Mass and just those two words say so very much. I will draw near. Good night.

TCOY

1. At Tick Tock Diner, in the face of Disco Fries and burgers deluxe. I got an arugula salad w chicken.
2. Healthy dinner.
3. Yard work.
4. Short walk w Sug.
5. Nap. 

Blind Faith, a Salve for Pure Pain

Darn if I can't find my church bulletin from Mass in Malibu, California on July 31.
But these are from Sis's church in Connecticut and a church I often attend on the Cape.

I have great pain in my life at the moment. It is too personal to write about here. It is interpersonal. It is heartbreaking. It is taking a lot for me to throw my shoulders back and carry on. To wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my heels and meet the day.

But I can write about a salve I reach for, again and again. The salve of going to Sunday Mass. I won't be on this earth forever, just as my mother, Anne, and four of my five cherished aunts [Peggy and Mary on the Irish side, Claire and Edith on the Italian side] and both of my grandmothers [Irish Alice and Italian Rosie] aren't. But all of them went to Mass. I wish I could talk to them about what it meant to them, how it held them, if it mattered at all--or if it was a lifeboat in choppy seas. For some reason, it's the women I want to ask, not the men. Didn't they turn to the church also?

I want to write how I feel so that some day, my daughters--or you, if you are searching or wondering--can find this post and understand.

I was tempted to sleep so late yesterday, to sleep right through the last Mass at noon. H. was up with Punchy, so I could. But something inside told me to get up and go, that Mass might be a tiny gauze for an open wound. And indeed it was, after the drawn-out battles with Punch finally putting on her socks and getting into the car.

Yesterday, I turned to my church again. I sent Punch down with our friends after Mass for a few minutes and slipped five folded singles into the slot in the metal box under the bank of white candles in tall glass holders.

Pure white, cotton white, hope white, new white candles--lined up like angels, or soldiers, lined up and lit with, fueled by, the prayers and wishes of men, women and children. Hidden prayers, obvious prayers, painful prayers.

Lighting that wick, choosing that candle, the second from the right in the second to last row, my candle, hope candle.....allowed me to make a choice. To have faith. To choose to have faith. I didn't even know how to form a prayer. I just looked at the flame as it flickered.

That is what church is, Mass is, faith is. It is there. It is constant. It doesn't go away. It doesn't abandon you. It offers magic, soothing moments, if even in a flash, like the words of a song you've heard all your life, like the brilliant red circle of light reflecting off the stained-glass window onto the carpet in the Crying Room. That room is for fussy kids, but even though Punch is almost 10, we end up there a lot, so she can admire the babies.

I turned to my church again, to the Blessed Mother statue, the kneelers, the stained glass, the gold chalice, the Bread and Wine, the little children, the Holy Water, the weekly bulletin, the altar linens, the altar servers. The ushers, the Stations of the Cross, the crucifix, the views of frosted hair and ponytails and crewcuts as the people in pews ahead of me bent forward to pray.

I found a little bit of my soul yesterday, and I still can't put it in words. But if you are my daughters, or nieces, or even my best friend, and you are reading this, I want you to know that faith is not false. It is not fiction. It is not just pomp and circumstance. It is not fake gold or real gold or white lace or polished mahogany. It is a deep, quieting sense of belonging--to yourself, to your family, to your God, to your life. It is solace. It is spirituality. It is peace and it is strength.

And my eyes are filled with tears as I write this.
_________________________________________________________________________________
A MAP TO MY CHURCHES, FOR MY DAUGHTERS

I have sunk into solace in many churches in my lifetime. If you ever want to find me, you might, in the shadows or light of one of these places or in the hopeful, shaky smile of a young woman praying alone--whether she is surrounded by people or not.

1. The original Saint Mary's in Dumont. This small white clapboard church with steeple stood on the corner of Washington and New Milford avenues, near the traffic light. My earliest memory of going to Mass is at this one. I guess my parents brought all four of us kids [I'm the baby], though all I really recall in my mind's eye is going up the front steps; I don't see any of my family, though someone was surely carrying me or holding my hand, right? Here is the church and here is the steeple; open the doors and out come the people.
2. Saint Mary's on steroids. Bursting at the seams, my #1 vanished, replaced while I attended Saint Mary's School by this much larger red brick church--so big that it has a whole lower church for overflow Masses. Yes, that's how thriving Catholicism was in Dumont when I was a child. This is the church I walked to on autopilot soon after the call that my mother had died when I was 20, soon after Dad put down the clunky black rotary phone receiver. I made my First Communion, was confirmed, walked in the May Procession there. Place where our teacher, Mr. Vafier, watched from behind at Mass and told us he better not see our rear ends resting on the pews [we should kneel up straight]. Church where I sang in the eighth grade choir [they took anyone; I can't hold a note] and kept an eye out for the boy I liked, secretly hoped he would notice my white ribbed sweater on the walk back from Communion. Heartbeat space where I got married, where Moey got married, where Lorraine got married. Location of funeral for Mommy, Grandpa and Dad. In this church, I grew from girl to woman. 
3. Voorhees Chapel at Douglass College. I found safety and security on the pretty blue cushions in the pews there, and became close friends with Meggy. We walked over the swinging green Ravine Bridge to get to Mass on Sunday mornings. I was homesick, but hearing the same prayers I knew my mom was saying back home at 12:45 p.m. Mass made me feel better.
4. A church in Bradley Beach, on the Jersey Shore, that, to tell you the truth, was not a soft landing for me. I cried when a cranky old man yelled at me outside: God doesn't want you to come like that! [I lived at the shore, was tan and wearing white shorts.] Ironically, it was by the beach but I didn't find much warmth there, except for the gracious older woman who talked to me about her days at Douglass College.
5. New York City churches. As young woman, magazine writer, expectant mom, working mother, I knelt in prayer on my lunch hour sometimes, walking to Saint Patrick's Cathedral for ashes or to ask God to bless and guide me and H. before we married. 
6. Saint Cassian Church in Montclair. Home base now. Our first apartment as newlyweds was literally right next door and somehow we would still be late for Mass. We started at the old, small, dark church but then that was replaced with the bright space we pray in today. Both Figgy and Punchy were baptized in this parish--Baby Fig in the school gym, when the new church was still being built.
7. Saint Therese in Cresskill. I couldn't go there when I was young, because that's where Saint Mary's defectors went, and my parents wouldn't like that. But when Dad moved to senior living in Cresskill, I sometimes went to Mass with him there--and prayed next to the much older version of the man who had brought me to church as a child.
8. Church of the Visitation in North Eastham on Cape Cod. To be at Mass in that small, sun-filled church on the bay side was everything; it usually meant I was on the Cape for several days, or a week or even two, long enough to be there on a Sunday. I could pretend I lived there. I prayed with people I did not recognize and might never see again, except for the priest, the organist and the altar server.
9. Our Lady of Lourdes in Wellfleet, on Route 6 on the way to Provincetown. It's a perfectly fine place to pray but it's not Lucky #8, above, which was closed, its parish folded into this new build. Last time I saw #8, it was abandoned, weathered and up for sale. I felt sad.  
10. St. Joan of Arc in Orleans, also on the Cape. Also fine, though not #8. Like all Cape Cod churches I have visited, it is pretty packed on summer Sundays.
11. St. Francis of Assisi Church in Belfast, Maine. Right near H.'s brother John's house. Charming, small-town New England hospitality, with beautiful stained glass and old-fashioned pews. I recall praying here with Figgy as a child on Christmas Eves and later, when she was not well in high school.
12. St. Brendan the Navigator in Camden, Maine. Turns out that #11 paired with this one and Mass times alternate between them. I especially love the name of this church by the storybook coast. I love Camden, so just about any excuse to drive there is fine by me.
13. Our Lady Star of the Sea, Stamford, Connecticut. Now that Sis and Don live in Stamford, I go here sometimes, and I love the historic ship models in one of the front rooms. I also love the name. And I like to pray next to my sister. She holds my family history in her mind and in her heart.
14. Our Lady of Malibu in California. I'm so glad I drove there in my rental car this summer. I naively expected a fancy or wealthy parish, since after all, it's Malibu, right? But it was modest, simple, airy. Yet again, as in college, I was far from home--on the opposite coast--and saying the same prayers. They did serve excellent donuts after church, though, and they were whole, not cut into halves as they are at our parish. Differences: At one point, maybe for the Our Father?, people joined hands, but not just in their pews--across the aisles, too. So you stood in one long line from one end of the pew to the other end on the opposite side. It was welcoming. Also, I felt like I recognized a movie star there, a man with glasses, but couldn't put my finger on it. And: There were, honestly, lots of beachy blondes, both children and adults. And I don't remember many sermons, but I do recall the one the visiting priest delivered here. It was about paying it forward, how he was shopping for his favorite ice cream and overheard a young man on the phone with his Dad, saying he didn't have enough gas money to get to work. The priest gave him a little cash. After Mass, I walked along the garden path up above the church and saw a grotto. It felt very California, succulents and all.