You Are Enough

I was up till 2:30 A.M. because I couldn't fall asleep...either upstairs in our bedroom, with a little fan on the dresser, or downstairs on the couch, with a little air conditioner in the dining room window. Now I have to sleep.

But before I doze off, there's something I want to remind myself of--I think I struggle with this because I'm the youngest of four children and felt special, maybe adored. But then when you take that feeling into the real world, it doesn't always prove true, or protect you.

Someone else's happiness does not take away yours. Someone else's good fortune and success does not block yours. Someone else's stunning beauty does not negate the fact that you are beautiful, too. Someone else's swinging blonde ponytail--lucky!!!!--does not mean your tightly curled hair is hopeless. Or that it should not be embraced. What if Coco Chanel pulled her designs because she didn't want to compete? What if she didn't believe in herself? What of her signature ropes of pearls and gold chains and black satin bows, which changed the fashion world? What if Manolo Blahnik gave up his stunning shoes when Jimmy Choo came along? What if writers and artists and potters and chefs stopped working because they had competition? Exactly. Someone else can be desirable, and desired, and wonderful, and so can you. One dozen, one hundred, one thousand, one hundred thousand others can be golden but it doesn't mean you can't grab the golden ring, too. It's a big world, and there's enough joy and luck, beauty and charm and talent, to go around. Be patient. Be kind. Be true to yourself and to those around you. Repeat this 100 times a day. You genuinely are enough. [Note to self: This mantra is not only about you. It's also about being secretly competitive and jealous on behalf of your daughter, about things she probably doesn't even think about. How weird is that?]

I have a new post label now: Envy. Good night.

TCOY

1. Illy iced latte macchiato [buy small can, pour over tall tumbler of ice, stir in half and half]. I see they cost less per can on shop.illy.com but not sure about shipping charges. One dainty little can feels like a big indulgence and I read a quote from some celeb recently praising illy coffee as a great splurge.
2. Private Benjamin.
3. Picked up my Rx and got new whitening toothpaste and floss. After developing a taste for no. 1, above, may need more whitening. I know someone who only drinks coffee through a straw so it doesn't stain her teeth. And she does have a gorgeous smile.

Wreckage

Sometimes I feel like a wreck. Tired and sluggish, inert and broken, and why did I just eat that glazed donut and that chocolate-chip cookie anyway? At one point this afternoon, as the fan whirred in the bedroom, a thought flashed clearly to me, as clearly as a red light on a dark road: I am like a wreck on the side of the highway, a car that swerved off course, fell into a ditch. I am in a dangerous place. Falling apart, lost, behaving destructively. I am careening off life's path. I have to take care of myself.

But now, five and a half hours later, I see that I am not a wreck--and that I can pull myself out of that scary spot.  

Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park. Steps and stations. Fun.
2. Got some lovely new bubble bath.
3. Made roast chicken and carrots for dinner.
4. Walked Sug with Anne and her dog, Kelly, on 1.5-mile loop around Brookdale Park. It was good to catch up and talk.
5. Supportive phone call. Someone wise recently told me that "When you share something painful with someone else, you halve it."

Deep Breath

Deep breath, deep breath, my friend Anne sometimes says. Today I took a few. It felt calmer. Good night.

P.S. I still don't have Dad's car back, or my laptop in it. I went to DMV but they need Sis to come, since she is in charge of Dad's will/estate, to prove I can have his 1999 car. Then after reregistering car,  I have to go to Montclair Police Station, pay huge fees I guess since it was impounded, and then take release form back to towing place before 5 P.M. with deep pockets of cash.

TCOY

1. Signed up for free May 19 Devil's Hole afternoon hike at frostvalley.org with Figgy.
2. Phone calls, task facing.
3. Thoughts--envying others lucky things does not make life any better for you. We all have qualities and things and successes to envy. Better to send out good karma.
4. Read something important.
5. Nap.
6. Washed sweaters and tops in Woolite and cold water on delicate cycle. They smell so clean now.
7. Served fresh spinach and yummy artichokes [2 veggie side dishes]  with dinner. Listened to self when I felt full. [Sadly, didn't do the same with 3.5-ounce Ritter Sport Espresso Chocolate bar. Have to say it was delicious.]
8. Walked Sug over to bubbling brook and around block with H.
9. Talked to good Sis and my cousin Lin, and to Moey and Anne.
10. Tried hard to hear what H. and Fig say, not just gloss over it, laugh it off, ignore it or jump onto my next thought or subject-changer.

Inch by Inch

Improving things row by row. One step @ a time, one day @ a time. I know I've been saying that a lot lately. That's the way it goes. Like learning to knit, or plant tiny poppy seeds--row by careful row.

Had to drive into NYC tonight to pick up Figgy from a friend's @ West End Avenue and 100th Street. Kind of proud to hold my own among taxi drivers on a busy Friday night.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park. Stations! 
2. Saw Anne and Elly for Anne's birthday--lunch out. 
3. Family session.
4. Reached out for support.
5. Tried to talk calmly to H. and Fig about hot topics.
6. Tiny bit of retail therapy--especially after opening a "stimulate business in Upper Montclair" plastic Easter egg at Barbara Eclectic and finding a little $5 coupon for that store and another for $20 off at The Banyan Tree. At Tree, found Mickey Lynn earrings [new to me, but have a celeb following], originally $139, marked 50 percent off and then the $20 coupon. Good stuff!
7. Walked Sug around block.
8. Tried to listen to someone's deep feelings. To hear them, to face them, even though I'd rather not. They are part of my rough climb to take care of myself.

Baby Steps in the Right Direction

TCOY today: Boot camp in the park! Then Patsy had nutritionist Caryn O'Sullivan, who also lives on our block, come talk to us on the topic of Weigh Less, Live More. Patsy served Starbucks coffee, carrot juice, water, fresh fruit, granola and yogurt. Eight of us were there in her pretty kitchen to listen and learn. It was helpful. Caryn does nutrition consultations by phone and vegetarian cooking classes, too. I've gone to her for help in the past [in person] and also took a class or two, which I loved. [We made quinoa, and reubens with tempeh instead of corned beef--really good.]

Still off my game in more ways than one. Tomorrow is another day and I have some figurin' to do. Night.

Easter Sunday Bouquet

• Dream Easter weather--sunny, warm, blue-sky beautiful.
• Three pretty baskets of treats, the heavy pink hyacinth on our dining room table bending over to fill up a lot of mine.
• Mass.
• Surprise visit from my good young friend Nikki. 
• True talk with my Figgy--in the car.
• The vibrant tulips and sweet dainty daffodils in the back gardens at Susan's house, where we went for Easter dinner.
• The egg hunt there.
• Meeting and talking to another guest, Jackie, an amazing TV set director who was encouraging to Fig and generous with her experience and advice.
• The grace, and the toast, at the table. The eating of mashed potatoes, roast lamb, mint jelly, Brussels sprouts and carrots with a set of grade-school triplets; Susan's two teen girls and her gracious mom; a young lady from Switzerland, here working in NYC; a nice woman and her nice tall son from the West Village; and others. 
• The coffee served in cherished, gold-rimmed china cups. I felt so adult, stirring in milk with a small silver spoon, lifting the cup from the saucer, sipping and resting it carefully back in its place. Somehow the pouring of coffee in those cups really took me back to my parents entertaining back in Dumont at the long table covered with a Quaker lace cloth.
• Talking to my big sister for Easter; she flew to California on a trip today.
• The cool breeze right now, screens open.

TCOY

1. Brief walk with Sug.
2. Short stolen nap on couch.

One Step, and One Sip, @ a Time

Just started my day nursing* a mug of homemade Sarabeth's hot cocoa in the breakfast nook. Tasting, sipping, sighing, breathing. Not gulping down the drink while on the computer, tipping the cup till it's drained, but sitting with it, stirring it, really being present. Looking out the picture window at the morning doves building a nest, and the forsythia in its pretty yellow Easter dress.

I aim to be present today. Present and calm.

Am also about to go shampoo and then condition with a new orchid conditioner. Have a good day. So glorious out.

*Seems weird to use this word here, but I have heard it used with nursing a glass of bourbon, right? It feels weird because it reminds me of nursing a baby, of nursing Figgy. But is that weird or not? Do we use drinks and food to baby ourselves? To replace a mother's love?