Help, Help Me, Rhonda

Let's take the high road. Image from THIS LINK.

Rhonda...or God...or Higher Power...or universe...Buddha....Mother Nature...the Fates....or Easter Bunny....Hail Mary....any and all of you, please help me to stay on a healthy path through life. Not a perfect path, but a path that is most often healthy. Less often self-destructive to body and mind. Please help me to stay the course. Please help me take one step at a time toward a healthier life.

You take the high road and I'll take the low road/ 
And I'll get to Scotland afore ya

Would like to take the high road, not get caught in so many brambles and weeds and barbed wire. Thank you, Rhonda.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the dome.
2. Walked Sug around block, even though I do get tired on the uphill.
3. Taking a few minutes to write this right now and face music @ myfitnesspal.com.
4. About to take bubble bath before getting dressed to work.

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

And those things may involve puffy powdered white donuts and a few foil-wrapped mini Reese's peanut butter cups. Even if they're factory-made, pumped out by machines, not very real.......they're compelling if you're hungry and weak and tired. And feel deprived. And/or anxious.

Again I say, I am a work in progress.

On that note, good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the park. Really hard today, good for my heart.
2. Walked Sug around block.
3. Read, rested.
4. Salon blowout!!!!!!!! Budget kept me away for a while now. Feel like new woman.And luxurious shampoo/blowout with junior hair stylist @ vamphairstudio.com is $25. Prebook next one when you leave salon and you save another $5.
5. Ate an apple. Actually did. An organic Gala on sale @ Whole Foods. Nice and crisp.

Sweet Retreat

I'm trying something new--skipping sugar but allowing one "sweet day" a week. I'm watching to see how this change affects my energy level, whether it prevents mood spikes and if it helps ease self-loathing, and feelings of deflation and doubt. I read in Weight Watchers Magazine that eating sugar just makes your brain want more and more of it.

I started last Thursday. This Thursday, Valentine's Day, is my planned sweet day. I do not intend to skip chocolate on February 14!

I do feel better and it does simplify life. I'm not scrambling frantically through cabinets, like a crack addict. At Starbucks, CVS and elsewhere, I've ruled out sweet things and chocolate. So it was no to the Oreos on sale, the trail mix with M&Ms in it, the Kit Kat bar. And it was no without agony, or strings attached. So far, so good.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the dome. We did 75 push-ups today!
2. Nap.
3. Healthy meals.

Writer's Room

“A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

Tonight was the fourth and last night of the writing class I took, until our teacher, Laurie, starts it up again in April. I liked meeting in her upstairs studio at home, just five of us [all women] and her. With a ceramic pot of herbal tea, a carafe of fruited water and some nibbles.

The class was really helpful. But hard, too.....making the mental space and planting butt in chair to actually write....fighting a pressing need to nap, write notes, pitch articles, make calls, bake cookies, pay bills, balance the checkbook and clean behind the bathroom faucets with Q-tips instead.....crafting the start of the story and recrafting it.....I hope I can push forward.....I want to push forward.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Private Benjamin with H. Useful. 
2. Walked home, stopping to get groceries on the way.
3. Walked Puff around block once.
4. Had another orange!
5. Talked to my friend Candy!!! So good to catch up.
6. Writing class.
7. Hugged my Figgy.
8. Almost forgot--pursued leads about two job openings today. Felt good and can-do.

Reading and Writing

Trying, trying, to put words to keyboard and move a story along. Reading, for structure and dialogue. Planning....I feel as eager to do it as I was to clean up my clothes and my closet....and I was really itching to do that.

Our writing teacher gave us a handout, a charming, inspiring essay called "Comes a Pony" by Kate DiCamillo, author of Because of Winn-Dixie and other beloved books. Especially this part:

Part of writing is what Raymond Carver called "being at your station," showing up daily for your work, in spite of your moods or your health or your belief that the seemingly fickle muse has passed you by or is perched elsewhere, on a more deserving writer's desk. You will find reference to this, the need to do your work in spite of everything, in most manuals on writing....What you will not, however, find in the manuals on writing is a discussion of the central mystery of the whole undertaking, an acknowledgment that writing is some powerful amalgam, a potent stew of ego and defiance and desperation and magic and faith...and it is something that we will never fully understand.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Boot camp in the dome.
2. Watched the old "Psycho" on retro TV with H., Fig and Sug.
3. Hot bubble bath.
4. Out to lunch with Figgy @ Sandwich Theory. We had a chance to talk.
5. Made bolognese sauce from a Giada recipe; slow to simmer, and I added a splash of French red wine....yum. Also made H. a vegetarian sauce he liked.

Showing up

Sometimes the best you can do is show up. Face facts. Look beyond. Try, try and try again. And that's what I intend to do. To be my very best. My personal best. I sound like a Girl Scout, but that's okay. I was a Girl Scout for seven years. And then a Girl Scout leader for five years for Figgy's troop. And Sis was a Girl Scout, and my Mom was a Girl Scout leader. So there must be some can-do determination I can tap into there.

Good night.

TCOY

1. Roasted carrots and sweet potatoes with a sprinkle of sea salt.

This Moment

I want to remember this moment. I want to believe it will matter, that it will grow into many moments, not be forgotten in an avalanche of donuts and chocolate.

This moment, in my navy Lilly sweater dress, black leggings, amber crystal beaded belt, eating a poached egg with fresh chives and a sprinkle of sea salt; broccoli salad; wheat toast; and a little goat cheese at noon. Having a yogurt.

I'm like an alcoholic who has been struggling for years, this time ordering a seltzer with fresh lime...and enjoying it. The egg is my seltzer, the chives are my lime.

That moment. When I walked in the door after a long walk @ the park with Elly and wanted to reach for chocolate, but didn't....and I could easily have stopped for a mocha on my way home or had the one Hershey Bar left over from Christmas. [Let's face it, though; Chocolate lovers know that unless we're outdoors making smores over a fire, Hershey Bars taste waxy and fake.]

Right now, I'm eating healthfully. Proteins, veggies, fruits. I can't imagine how far I could go in life if I could keep myself on this higher road, out of the gutter and the cycle of self-loathing. How much I could accomplish. How much more energy I would have. How much more time.

I want to remember this moment.

TCOY

1. Walked 3 big laps with Elly @ the park.
2. Healthy breakfast and lunch, both with whole grains and protein.
3. At my desk working now. Just spoke out loud to my inner Negative Nancy in the kitchen. "Shut up!" I said. "That's not true. Stop hating yourself." Because somehow, an editor who had interviewed me for a job was being interviewed on NPR and instead of saying, "Yeah, the magazine ran out of money," I was starting to talk negatively to myself about not getting the job. That negative talk tape is directly related to my overeating and my inability--until now--to pull myself out of the cycle. Because if I start taking care of myself with food, the negative voice gets heard, rather than stuffed down. So it's tough.

Crystal Ball Drops, Goals in Place

May 2013 bring glitter and sparkle, pretty pinks, cool aquas....tranquil naps, fun trips [Moey and I want to visit our friend Fritch, in Texas], ordinary days. Good income, a stronger work ethic, better time management. New challenges, fresh home-cooked family dinners, smart self-care, improved health and fitness, laughter, wisdom and wit. May we listen quietly and hear--what is important, what turns we should take on life's path. May the bills be paid, the stress be little, the stars be bright. May we have an umbrella in a rainstorm. That may sound corny, but I don't care. I mean it metaphorically and literally.

May we respect ourselves and others. May the January memoir writing workshop I signed up for with Montclair author Laurie Albanese point me in a new direction I can follow. [I'm hopeful.] May the memoir writing I've volunteered to teach alternate Saturday afternoons to guests @ Toni's Kitchen help point them in new directions, too.

May I grow healthier and happier.

Good night and Happy New Year.

TCOY

1. At Paige and Gary's great New Year's Eve party, I balanced my punch and champagne with cups of ice water.
2. Moderate desserts, not crazy amount.